


What Could Have Been

by onequartercanadian



Series: Finding Freedom [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU, White Collar
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Dark, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Family, Feels, Ficception, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kidnapping, Neal!whump, Pain, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Poor Neal, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, SO MUCH SADNESS, Sad, Severe Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tragedy, Trauma, Trauma Recovery, Whump, chapter 1 made me cry, fic spin off, in which i give neal ALL the ptsd, neal needs a hug, original character is still an asshole, pain and suffering and agony oh my!, rebuilding your life, so much pain, this turned out darker than i thought, ultimate asshole, yep this is fanfic of fanfic, yikes this is emotional
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-05
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2018-08-29 08:45:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 54,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8482978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onequartercanadian/pseuds/onequartercanadian
Summary: The small cabin and surrounding clearing was the only thing little Molly and Jack had ever known. They find out that their father had been kidnapped and held in the cabin against his will by their mother. After a daring near death escape Neal struggles to put his broken life back together. He also finds out that he wasn't the only one affected by his disappearance. Peter in particular, took Neal's disappearance and complete lack of answers harder than anyone.Peter wonders how he's suppose to help Neal put himself back together when Peter is barely holding it together himself.What if Neal didn't have that opportunity to escape in In Darkness and Hope? Years later two children are running for their lives when they run into two very important individuals.Alternate timeline to In Darkness and Hope but can be read as a standalone.





	1. The Cabin

**Author's Note:**

> This follows the timeline for In Darkness and Hope. It deviates in the middle of chapter 14 "When Opportunity Strikes". It's not necessary to read in order to understand this fic but it will help you understand the context in which this fic is based faster than if you read this solo.
> 
> I can't stop coming up with ideas for this damn series and this happened. I decided to try something new and experiment a little with writing styles. So for this chapter only it's in first person. Also I thought it was make it more heartbreaking. I think I was right. 
> 
> This came out hella darker than I thought it would. There's a lot of implied violence. So read the tags.
> 
> Inspired by the book/movie Room and the songs: The Cave and After the Storm by; Mumford and Sons, Hello World by; Lady Antebellum, Run by; Snow Patrol, and Safe and Sound by; Taylor Swift.

Today I become a big sister again! And now this time I get to share it with my brother, Jack, who gets to become a big brother too. I don’t really remember much about becoming a big sister last time. I was only two. I’m six now. I do remember Jack popping out of Mommy and when Daddy introduced me he said, “Here’s your little brother, Molly. You’re a big sister.” Daddy told me what being a big sister meant. Helping them, playing with them, and when I’m older, helping Daddy protect them.

Mommy’s on the bed screaming super loud. It hurts my ears. I hope my little sister is here soon. Daddy’s helping her. “I see her head!” He says. And soon enough my little sister pops out of Mommy and into Daddy’s hands. Daddy then did some things to her, I know what. He was getting her to cry. Jack cried as soon as he came out of Mommy. Daddy says it took a few seconds but I cried soon too. My sister isn’t crying. Why isn’t she crying?

Daddy’s getting panicky “Come on! Come on! Breathe! Breathe!” He pleads as he tries to get her to cry.

“GIVE ME MY BABY!” Mommy yells, Daddy continues to to get her to breathe. After trying for what feels like forever he stops. He looks at Mommy sadly and defeated.

“WHY ARE YOU STOPPING? DON’T STOP!” Mommy screams

Mommy grabs my little sister from him and starts crying super hard. When Mommy grabbed her I noticed she looked blue. That isn’t suppose to happen. What’s going on? What’s wrong with my sister? Daddy starts crying and puts his head in his hands. Jack and I run over and give him a big hug. Those always make him smile. It doesn’t this time.

“What’s wrong with Sissy?” I ask

Daddy sniffles, looks at me, and says, “She went back up to heaven, Sweetie.”

“Why?” I ask. I was confused. Why would she go back up to heaven? She just got here.

“I don’t know.” He said, “She never started breathing. She doesn’t have a heartbeat.”

“The thing that lets you know you know you’re alive.” I say

“Yeah.” He says

I give him another hug. Jack crawls on his lap and hugs him too.

* * *

Not too long after Mommy had my sister she tried to get up.

Daddy tells her sadly, well sadder than he normally is, “That’s a bad idea. You shouldn’t get up so shortly after giving birth.”

As Mommy gets up with my sister still in her arms, she yells at him, “Shut up!”

Daddy noticed her going towards the door. He got up to ask, “Where are you going?”

“Out.” She responds holding my sister

“Please don’t take her away. Not yet.” Daddy begs. Where is Mommy taking her?

Mommy gets to the door, put the secret numbers into the keypad, making sure no one can see, and closes the door behind her. Daddy bangs on the door and screams,

“YOU FUCKING BITCH!!”

I go up to him and give him another hug, “I’m sorry, Daddy. I love you” He kneels down and hugs me back.

“I love you too. I’m sorry for yelling.”

“It’s okay. Where’s Mommy taking Sissy?” I ask. His face turns pale.

“When someone goes to heaven it’s common to bury them.” Daddy explains

“Why?” I ask

Daddy groans, “Because that’s just what you do.”

Jack comes up to us and says, “Daddy, I’m hungry.”

“She will make you something when she gets back.” Now Daddy just sounds tired. It’s been a long day. I’m getting hungry too, but only Mommy can get into the cabinets and fridge where all the food is kept.

* * *

 

Later that night, Jack and I are suppose to be asleep. But since there is a makeshift curtain around our bed they’ll never know we’re actually awake if we’re super quiet. There’s a lot of stuff we’re not suppose to hear, but I pretend I’m asleep or not listening.

I hear dishes clashing. Mommy’s cleaning up from dinner.

I hear Daddy say, “I don’t suppose you’ll tell me where you buried her.”

“What’s the point? It’s not like you’ll ever see it.”

Everything went quiet for a while. Then Daddy says, “I told you that you should have gone to a hospital.”

I hear dishes do a big clang. She says angrily and sternly, “You don’t _tell_ me to do _anything._ That is _not_ how this works.” She adds in the same tone, “Also, that would be suspicious. Could raise red flags.” What? Why would going to a hospital be suspicious? I thought hospitals were just in movies? Like houses and buildings and most animals and other people. Just in movies, not real. I’m confused. Mommy continues, “They’d want names. They’d have questions. One mistake is all it would take.”  

Who’s they? The hospital? Why would they have questions? I wish I could ask but I’m supposed to be asleep. Mommy would get mad if she found out we weren’t asleep. Jack and I don’t like her when she’s mad. She’s mad most of the time, almost always at Daddy. I don’t know why she’s always mad at him. He doesn’t do anything wrong. At least I don’t think so.

Then I hear Mommy say, “It’s your fault she died you know.”

“Why?”

“She thrived in my womb for nine months but she couldn’t last even a few seconds in your hands. You failed. Like you do all the time. I should have expected this. You’re a failure, Neal. Sometimes I don’t know why I even keep you around. You destroy everything you touch. I’m surprised Molly and Jack aren’t as fucked up as they could be because they have you around.”

We don’t like it when Mommy’s mean to Daddy. I want _so badly_ to run out with Jack and give Daddy a big hug and tell him that we love him and not to listen to Mommy because she’s just being a big meanie. I want to tell him that it’s not his fault that Sissy went back to heaven early.

But I can’t.

Because I’m suppose to be asleep.

Mommy kept talking but I didn’t want to hear it anymore so I put my pillow over my head and ears until I fell asleep.

I wish Daddy could do the same thing.

* * *

The next morning when I got up I noticed that Mommy wasn’t in bed. I can see kitchen from my bed and she wasn’t there either. Maybe she’s in bathroom or outside. She goes outside a lot during the day to do chores. When Jack and I are really good Mommy lets us play outside near her. Daddy’s never ever allowed outside.

I look in the bathroom, she’s not there. So she must be outside. I go over to Daddy who’s still sleeping.

I notice that his left eye is big and black.

“Daddy.” I say and shake him a little. He wakes up.

“Hey, Sweetie.” He says sleepily, “Good morning.”

“Mommy’s not here.” I say, he looks at the other side of the bed and sighs. “Where did she go?”

“I don’t know.” He says and gets up. He looks at the food that Mommy must have put on the counter. A box of cereal, a few pieces of fruit, some bread, and peanut butter.  Along with three cups, bowls, and spoons.  Daddy went to count the fruit and see how much of each food was there.

“How long until she gets back?” I ask

“I don’t know.” Daddy replied

He got us breakfast, some cereal without milk. Since only Mommy can do the locks on the fridge and cabinets. Daddy said he wasn’t hungry but he sat with us while we ate. He sometimes does this for a few meals after Mommy yells at him. I don’t know why.

“What’s you doing?” Jack asks

“Just thinking. Eat up.” He says

Jack and I keep looking at Daddy’s eye. It looks like it hurts, all black and big. We don’t like it when Daddy hurts.

“What’s wrong with your eye?” Jack finally asks

“I was silly and ran into the bathroom door.” He tells Jack. He seems to run into a lot of doors or trips a lot when Mommy yells at him. I think he might be lying to Jack.

I don’t say anything.

After breakfast, Daddy cleans up while Jack and I play tag. Daddy joins in after he cleans up. After, Jack and I have a race to see who can run from the bathroom wall to kitchen wall faster. I’m the fastest. Daddy timed me. I can run from wall to wall in fifteen seconds! I can run across from bed wall to door wall in five seconds!

“No fair! Because you’re older!” Jack yells after our race.

“Hahaha!” I tease “You can’t catch me!” I run around Cabin more and Jack tries to chase me.

“Stop teasing your brother, Molly.” Daddy scolds from the kitchen

We run around some more before Daddy says, “Hey, how about a story?”

“Okay.” I say out of breath.

“Yey!” Jack cheers

“Okay go pick one out.” Daddy says from the kitchen table. We go to the bookshelf on the door wall next to the TV to pick one out.

Jack immediately picks up _Dave The Dinosaur_ “This one!” He says

I pick up _Alice in Wonderland_ “No! This one! We read that one days ago!” I yell

“We read that one all the time!” There aren’t many books on the shelf. So we repeat books a lot.

“Do not!”

“Do to!”

Daddy then comes over, “Hey hey hey.” He says, “We can read both.” We run over to the big bed where Mommy and Daddy sleep and climb up. Daddy gets in the middle, I get on his right and Jack on his left. He takes _Dave_ from Jack and I say, “You’re doing his first?”

“Yes, because it’s shorter.” Daddy says and begins to read. Jack and I like storytime with Daddy more than with Mommy. Daddy makes it more fun, he does voices and everything. We’ve even acted out the stories before.

After _Dave_ it’s time for lunch. A piece of fruit for Jack and I. Daddy said he still wasn’t hungry. I saved half of my banana and gave it to him. He ate it after I insisted that I was full and wanted him to have it so it didn’t go to waste. After lunch we read _Alice_. I helped read it.

“Can we play airplane?” I ask after

“I’m sorry.” Daddy says sadly, “You’re getting bigger and Daddy doesn’t have much muscle anymore.”

That’s sad. I pout. “I’m so sorry.” Daddy says. He looks really sad.

“Can you play it with me?” Jack asks, “I’m still small!”

“Let’s see.” Daddy says. We get off the bed and Daddy picks up Jack with a grunt and runs around acting like Jack was a plane. After Daddy takes a nap, he takes a lot of naps. There are days where he doesn’t get out bed. Just sleeps all day. I call those Gone Days. They’ve been happening more often lately.

While Daddy sleeps Jack and I play the Keypad Game. Where you put random numbers in and see if the door makes the Beep Beep sound that opens it. Daddy taught me this game when I was littler. There’s no Beep Beep this time. There hasn’t been yet.

 

Soon Jack takes a nap too. I wish I could go play outside, but that’s only when Mommy allows it. Mommy only lets us outside when we’re good. Daddy’s never allowed outside. I don’t know why. I always thought that was weird.

As they nap I lay on my bed. Daddy, Jack, and I are real. Mommy’s real too but most times I wish she was like other people and not be real. Be just in movies. Outside is real, but cities and houses aren’t. They’re just in movies too, just like people. I wish dogs were real. I want a dog. I’d name her Lucky. She’d be my best doggie friend. Once a mouse was real. It got into Cabin then Mommy got it dead. Then after Clearing Outside the world ends and it’s just space. I wonder where we go when we dream? Do we go to space? I should ask Daddy later. He knows everything. He’s the best! Sometimes I wish it was just Daddy, Jack, and I. Then maybe Daddy would be happier.

I wake them up for dinner. Jack’s hungry. Daddy makes us peanut butter sandwiches. During dinner I ask Daddy what I was thinking earlier.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah.”

“Where do we go when we dream? Do we go into space for dreaming?”

“No, Sweetie.” He says sadly, “We’re never anywhere but here.”

While Daddy cleaned up from dinner Jack and I took a bath. Then, since Mommy’s not here we get to sleep with Daddy in his bed. We got into our pj’s and brushed our teeth then got into bed. Daddy in the middle, Jack on the right, and me on the left. Then Daddy told us a story. When we went to sleep we got close to Daddy and he put each of his hands around us. It makes me feel safe. As I lay there I feel his heart beating. The thing that tells you that you’re still alive. If I put my hands on his chest I could count Daddy’s ribs. We went to sleep snuggled in his arms.

* * *

 

The next day I woke up. Daddy was still sleeping. So I woke up Jack. We then tried to wake up Daddy.

We shake him, “Daddy! Wake up!” but Daddy just groans and doesn’t move. So we tried again with the same result. We looked at each other and we knew it was gonna be a Gone Day. Where Daddy just sleeps all day and doesn’t wake up. So I made breakfast for Jack and me, more cereal. Then we played tag, careful not to distrib Daddy.

After Jack says to me, “Story!”

“But Daddy’s sleeping.” I tell him

“I wanna story.” He insists

“Okay I can read you one.” I go over to the bookshelf trying to find a book I can read to him. “Want _Dave the Dinosaur_ again? I can read that one.”

“I can read a few words in it too! I can help!” He said happily. So we got on our bed and I read him the book.

During lunch Jack says, “I wonder if the sun’s out today.”

I got curious, “Me too.” There’s aren’t any windows in Cabin, those are just in movies.

After we played pretend then took a nap next to Daddy. After dinner we bathed and put our pj’s on and got back into bed next to Daddy.

* * *

 

Four days after Mommy left, Daddy was giving us lunch, some more fruit, as usual. He hasn’t eaten too much since she left. He keeps saying he’s not hungry so we should eat the food.

“I want something else!” Jack says, Daddy gets sad.

“I’m sorry, Jack. We don’t have much else. We don’t have too much left anyway. We need to make sure this lasts.”

After lunch Jack and I are playing pretend and Daddy’s sitting at the kitchen table. He looks like he’s thinking. He does that a lot. He looks up and when he sees us playing he smiles.

“I love you guys.” He says

“I love you too, Daddy!” I say

“Me too!” Jack says. Daddy smiles then gets up to give us a big hug.

Daddy once told me that if he didn’t have us he would have sent himself to heaven a long time ago. That’s bad because you’re not suppose to go to heaven. Not until you’re super old.

At dinner I notice that Daddy’s just sitting at the table, looking like he’s thinking. He thinks a lot. He’s super smart.  I ask, “What’s you doing?”

“Just thinking.” He says

“About what?” Jack asks before I could

“Grown-up things.” He says. He always says that when we ask that. We don’t really know what that means. Maybe that’s the point.

After Daddy cleans up from dinner he counts what food is left. It doesn’t take long because there’s not much. After Daddy sits back down at the table and asks, “Do you know what’s beyond the cabin?” We look at him confused, “I do.” he says

“Outer space.” I say

“No.” He says, “The World. It’s much closer.”

“What?” Jack says

“There’s so much to the World. There’s people, with faces like us. There’s animals, houses, and buildings that reach the sky.”

“Nuh-uh.” I say, “Where would it all fit?”

“It just does.” Daddy insists. He says, getting sad, “The World is so big. So big and vast. And Cabin is just one awful, horrible part of it.”

“Why can’t we see all these animals and people and buildings and houses?” I ask

“Because we’re away from it all in a forest somewhere.” Daddy insists, “You’re six. You’re so smart. I know you can get this. All that is in the World.”

“LIAR!” I yell, “You’re just making stuff up now!” Why would Daddy say all this? I look over to Jack, he’s playing with his spoon.

“You have to get this, Molly. You have to help me.” Daddy pleads

“What? You’re lying!” This can’t be true? All that stuff is just in movies. Not real.

“I know I told you something different but you were much younger then. I didn’t think that you could understand. Some things are just complicated.  But now you’re so old. I know you can get this. Please.” Daddy insists

I don’t know what to say.  Daddy continues, “You know how Alice wasn’t always in Wonderland?”

“Yeah she fell _all_ the way down the hole.” I say

“I’m like Alice.” Daddy says, “I wasn’t always in Cabin. I was once a little boy, called Neal. I lived in a house with my mom and her friend Ellen.”

“Nuh-uh.” I say, “A movie house?”

“No a real house. And when I was eighteen I moved to a big city, New York City. I met my friend, Mozzie,”

“That’s not a real name.” I say, but Daddy continues

“Eventually I met my friend Peter. He was really good at finding me when I left New York.”

I start looking around Cabin, not listening, Daddy calls me back and says, “Molly! I’m telling you some important things. Please listen. Please.” I look back at him.

He says, “One night your Mom came to me and said I had to come with her.”

“Where was I?” I ask loudly

“You were still in heaven.” He says getting mad, “When I said no she gave me drugs and I woke up here. In Cabin. She locked the door and she’s the only one who knows the code. The secret numbers that open the door. There’s no other way out. _Trust me. I know._ She stole me. I’ve been stuck here for _seven years_.”

What? I’ve never heard of people stealing people? I’m confused and frustrated. I want to do something else. Daddy was never in World. What is this World he’s talking about.

“I want a different story!” I yell

“No! This is the story that you get!” Daddy yells back angrily

“I don’t believe in your stupid World!” I yell

Daddy groans. He looks over at Jack who has put his hands over his ears. Daddy gets his attention and apologizes to him for the yelling. Much like me, Jack doesn’t like yelling. It reminds us of Mommy getting mad at Daddy.

I go sit on the floor next to bookshelf. I need to think.

Daddy says to me from across Cabin, “I know it’s a lot to digest.” What’s a lot to digest?

* * *

Later that night we’re all in bed. Jack’s asleep. I look up at Daddy and say, “So you lived in this World?”

Daddy says, “Yeah.”

“Then Mommy stole you?”

“Yeah.” Daddy said sadly

“Why?” I ask

Daddy looks really sad and says, “Because she wants me all to herself.” He continues, “She built Cabin.”

“What? How?” I ask

“She made the walls and floors plastic so they couldn’t be picked or rot. She made the place soundproof. The door used to have a lock on the outside but she changed it a few years ago. She suddenly changed her mind and thought that a keypad was more indestructible. She was right. Everything in the kitchen is locked up so I can’t get to it. And I can’t get to anything sharp to pick the locks.” He continues, “When I was younger I was really good at escaping places and running from people. She would brag about how she made this escape proof.” His attitude changed from sad to angry.

I ask, “Do you miss it?”

He turns sad again, “Everyday. Everyday I pray that somehow we’ll get out.”

I ask him, “You said your friend, Peter, is good at finding you. Why doesn’t he come here?”

Daddy looks like he was punched in the tummy. Like after Mommy yells at him and he tells us he ran into a door or tripped. He sighs and says, “Peter doesn’t know where we are. Cabin’s not on any map.”

“Oh.” I say, “What about your friend, Mozzie?” Daddy still looks really sad.

“He’s in heaven now.”

“Why?”

Daddy sighs and says, “She told me that for her plan to work he needed to be sent to heaven.” Mommy sent someone to heaven? You’re not suppose to do that.

“There’s no one coming for us.” Daddy said, still very sad, “Nobody even knows that you and brother even exist.”

* * *

The next morning Jack and I finished the rest of the cereal. Daddy still didn’t have any. He hasn’t eaten much since Mommy left. He was just sitting there thinking.

“So dogs and cats are real?”

Daddy looked up a little surprised at my question, “Of course.” He said, “My friend, Peter, had a dog.”

“What about dinosaurs and alligators?” Jack asks

“Yeah.” Daddy says

“You know.” I say, “When Mommy gets back, we should kill her dead.” I say

“We could.” Daddy says, “But then we’d run out of food and we don’t know the code to the door.”

“Oh.” I realize

“We could make her give us the code.” I say. That’s a great idea!

“I tried that.” Daddy tells me, “It didn’t end well for me.” He paused, sounding sad and hurt, “I learned quickly that violence wasn’t the answer.”

“Why?” I ask, “What happened?”

“Finish your cereal.” Daddy says. What happened? What won’t he tell me?

“What happened?” I ask again

“Finish your cereal and let it go.” Daddy says seriously

“Did Mommy hurt you? Like with your hurt eye?” I finally ask. This is the first time I have ever asked him that or anything about it.

Daddy got the saddest and shocked face. I would have rather him be Gone for a week then see him so hurt.

“Why would you ask that?” Daddy asks interested

“I’m really smart.” I say. Daddy always tells me how smart I am. “You always seem to run into doors or trip after Mommy yells at you. Too much to be real. Why does Mommy yell at you so much anyway?”

Daddy sighs and says real seriously, “You’re not suppose to hear that. You’re suppose to be asleep.”

“We hear lots of things.” I say. “I have really good ears.”

He asks, “How would you like to live in the World?”

“I would to a lot!” I say

“Me too!” Jack pipes up

“Then you need to help me trick her. Okay.” Daddy says

“Yeah!” Jack says

“How?” I ask

“That’s what I’ve been thinking about for seven years.” Daddy says

* * *

 

We spend the morning and afternoon thinking of ideas. Daddy says no to ours. I don’t get it. He says trucks are real but it’s unrealistic that one would come and bust Door down.

“It seems like the only option we have is you and Jack getting outside and running.” He sighs, and says seemingly to himself, “But I’m not really sure how far we are from civilization.” He groans. He looks at us and says, “So Molly, when she gets back you and Jack are going to ask to play outside.” He adds, “You know what, do it when she’s in the middle of something, like cooking. So that way maybe she’ll let you out alone.”

“But she’s never done that.” Jack says

Daddy sighs and mutters, “Dammit. Yeah.” We continue to think for a while longer when Daddy says, “I can’t think of any other ideas.”

“What about mine?” Jack asks

“Jack, a bulldozer isn’t realistic.” Daddy says

“But you said they’re real.”

“But one coming here isn’t realistic.” Daddy says

“Oh.” Jack realizes

“It seems like there’s only one option.”

“What?” I ask

“Yeah. What Daddy?”

“You’re going to have to ask to go outside and run. I think if I distract her then you may have enough time to get away. You run really fast, Molly.”

I am really fast.

“But what about you Daddy?” I ask

“She doesn’t allow me outside.” Oh. Right. I remember now. “She let me a few times before you were born.” Daddy said and looked at me. “But then she stopped.” He looked really sad.

“Why?” I ask. Daddy didn’t say anything. “Why?” I ask again. I’m not going to let it go.

Daddy says, “The last time I was outside was when you were a few weeks old.” He paused, “We were outside when I heard something odd.”

“What?”

“Crinkling leaves and pine needles. It turned out it was a man.”

“A real person?” Jack asks

“Yeah. He stumbled upon us by accident. He heard this parts were a good place to hunt animals.”

“Like how Mommy hunts for food?” I ask

“Yeah. I gave him a note for help.” He stops talking, he looks like he’s gonna cry. “He was going to help too.” He wipes tears from his eyes, “She stopped him.”

“How?”

“She sent him to heaven. She said that he would have ruined everything and that she couldn’t let him live.” He wipes more tears from his eyes, “A few weeks later she drugged me again and when I woke up the lock was replaced with a keypad.” He sniffles. Jack and I gave him a big hug.

I look at Daddy and ask, “What about our plan?”

“As soon as she comes back ask to play outside. She doesn’t say yes easily so it’ll be hard.”

“Would she listen if you helped?” Jack asks

“No.” He says, “Now you have to just keep asking. Between her being in the middle of something, probably cooking, and me distracting her. She just might leave you alone long enough to get away. Now once you get away you run until you see another person. Then you say help, police. You tell them about me and the cabin. Help them with whatever they need. Then they’ll come here and get me.”

“Wait you’re not coming with us?” Jack asks surprised

“I just told you why. She makes sure I don’t get outside. But she lets you outside. That’s why you have to go first.”

“I’m _not_ leaving you alone with Mommy!” I yell and hug him extremely tightly. Jack follows me. What if Mommy finds out and hurts him again. What if she sends him to heaven.

He hugs us back and says softly, “It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

“I don’t like this plan.” I say still hugging Daddy tightly

“I don’t either, Sweetie.” Daddy says, “But it’s all we’ve got.”

“Do we _have_ to do this plan now?” I ask

“Are you not ready?” he looks at me and asks. I don’t say anything. “Because you _really_ need to help me on this. You _really_ need to help your brother on this. You’re the only one who can do it.” He continues, “But it won’t work if you’re not ready.”

I think for a while. I want to help Daddy and Jack. “Okay. Let’s do it.”

He smiles and starts to tear up again, “Great.” I give him another hug.

 

That night in bed I ask Daddy, “Where did you live in World?”

Daddy looked at me and said, “In an apartment on top of this really nice woman’s home.”

“What’s an apartment?” I ask

“It’s like a tiny house, normally in a building.” Daddy explains, “It had just, the best view. I have forgotten some things, but that’s something I’ll always remember.”

“Can we see it when we’re in World?”

Daddy smiled and said, “We can do anything you want.” That makes me smile.

* * *

 

The next day a while after lunch, Daddy asks again, “So what’s the plan? Tell it to me.” He asked us this a million times today. He wants to make sure we know it.

“Ask Mommy to go outside. Run. Find a person. Save Daddy.” I added the save Daddy part.

“Okay, good.” He says. He gets our attention again, “Hey.” We look at him.

“If there is ever a tomorrow when we’re not together. There are some things you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Most importantly, even if we’re apart, I will always be with you. Right here.” He says and points to our hearts.

“Winnie the Pooh says that.” Jack says, Daddy sadly smiled

“Yeah he does. And I’m saying it because it’s true.”

“Why would there be a day that we’re not together?” I ask. Daddy was surprised, and quiet. “Could something bad happen during our plan?” I ask. Daddy doesn’t say anything.

Then we heard the noise from keypad. Daddy gets up and stands in front of us, putting his arms out in front of us. It reminds me of a shield from the movies. He seems tense.

Mommy comes in.

“Hello!” She greets. She seems happy. She goes to give us a hug but Daddy doesn’t move from in front of us. He looks at us and says, “Molly. Take your brother and go take a bath. Close the door.”

“Okay.” I say and we got over to bathroom. I leave the door cracked open just a teeny bit. Just enough to hear them.

I hear Mommy say, “You know I don’t like when you keep me from my children. They’re _my_ children.”

Daddy says, “I know. You’ve made that _very_ clear to both me and them.”

“I wouldn’t hurt them.” She says

“How do I know that?” He asks, “You left them for days with barely enough food.” 

“I knew you’d do _whatever_ it takes to make sure that it lasted and they were fed.”

It's quiet then Daddy says, "You can break my soul, take my life away, beat me, hurt me, kill me, for for the love of God. Don't. Hurt. Them."

It's quiet again.

“Where were you?” Daddy asks

“It doesn’t concern you.”

“When it affects my kids it does.”

“One more comment like that and I swear to God.” Mommy says. She sounds really angry and serious. I hope she doesn’t hurt Daddy.

“I’m sorry.” He says. I turn to check on my brother who was playing in the bathwater.

* * *

After we come out I see that Mommy was starting to cook dinner. That’s when Daddy said to ask to go outside. I nudge Jack standing next to me and we go up to Mommy.

“Mommy?”

“Yeah, Sweetie.” She says getting some food from a cabinet.

“Can Jack and I go play outside?”

“Please!!” Jack says. We give her the cute faces.

“Please!” I say

“Maybe tomorrow when I can watch you. I’m making dinner now.”

“Can Daddy watch us?” Jack asks

“No.” Mommy says

“Please please please!” I beg

“Pleeeeeaaasseee!!” Jack begs

“Tomorrow.” Mommy says seriously and goes back to cooking

I got an idea. I poke Jack and yell, “Tag! You’re it!” and I start running. He starts running after me. “You can’t catch me! Hahahaha!” I yell

“No! I will!” Jack yells. We run and jump around yelling for a few minutes before Mommy slams down a spoon and yells angrily, “FINE! You can go play outside until dinner’s ready.” She goes over to door and types in the secret numbers. “I’ll come check on you in a few minutes. Molly, you’re oldest enough. Watch your brother.”

“Okay. I will.” I say. I look over at Daddy who’s sitting at the table.

“I’ll see you soon, Daddy.” I say. He smiles at us.

“Yep.” He says

We go outside and Mommy closes the door. I know the next time we’ll see Daddy is when we’re in World.

* * *

As soon as we get outside I say to Jack, “Okay. We have to run now. Like Daddy said with our plan.”

“Okay.” Jack says

I grab his hand and start to run but Jack stays. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m scared.” Jack says. I see he looks like he’s gonna cry. I give him a hug and say

“I’m scared too. But we have to save Daddy.”

“I know.”

I let go and say, “So let’s go see what this, World, is.” Jack smiles.

I grab his hand and we start running.

We run forever. We get really tired but I say that we have to keep running because we haven’t anybody to ask for help. Finally we see houses. They look kinda like the ones in the movies. But they’re all really close together. There’s cars and streets and trees, but they’re different than the trees near Cabin. We’ve never seen anything like it before.

But there’s no people. The sun’s going down now. Where are all the people Daddy told us about?

“Let’s go over there.” I say to Jack. We’re crossing the street when all of a sudden a car comes charging towards us and comes to a halt making a loud screeching sound. I grab my brother and hold him tight. We’re both screaming.

I look up and see a man and women get out of the car. The man’s older, older than Daddy. He has brown hair. The women looks a little younger than him. She has long brown hair.

“Oh my God! You almost hit them!” The woman yelled the man.

“They came out of nowhere! I didn’t see them I swear!” The man yelled

I look down and keep holding on tightly to Jack. We don’t like yelling.

The man comes up to us, kneels down, and says, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you dart out on the street like that.”

His voice sounds calming and nice. Like Daddy’s.

The man says, “I’m Peter. And that’s my wife Elizabeth. What’s your names?”

Still holding on to Jack, I look up and say, “Help. We need help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This came from a place of pure curiosity and snowballed from there.
> 
> It's exactly like that gif, "I was just playing around with my imagination. Then everything got intense."
> 
> But I do know where it's going. Everything will eventually be okay.


	2. The Search and Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cops and Peter try to finally find Neal with the kids' help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just updated another fic in the series, Out of the Darkness. So after you read this you should read that. (Shameless plug.)

Peter said to the children, softly and calmly, “I’m Peter. And that’s my wife Elizabeth. What’s your names?”

The little girl, still holding on to her brother looked up and said, “Help. We need help.”

“What’s wrong?” Elizabeth asked

“We need the police.” The little girl said

“Okay. Come with us and we’ll take you to the police.” Peter said. Both were extremely concerned about these children. They looked sweaty, absolutely exhausted, and completely terrified.

“Come on.” Elizabeth said and pointed to the car.

The children seemed confused. Elizabeth opened the door. The little girl got up and grabbed her brother’s hand. They slowly walked to the car. Peter and Elizabeth did not know that they had never seen a real car before, let alone been in one. They got to the car and stopped.

“Get in.” Elizabeth kindly prompted

They got in and Elizabeth did their seatbelts. She and Peter got in the car.

“Where are your parents?” Peter asked looking through the rearview mirror

“We need help.” The girl quietly replied

“What’s your names, honey?” Elizabeth turned and asked

She was silent, then finally said, “Molly. He’s Jack.”

“Okay, good.” Elizabeth said, “How old are you?”

“Six.” Molly replied quietly, “He’s four.”

“Okay good. Do your parents have names other than Mommy and Daddy?”

Molly thought for a minute, “Daddy told me his once, but I forgot. We need the police.”

“It’s okay. We’ll be there soon.” Elizabeth said and turned back around. Jack whispered to Molly, “I’m tired. I’m _really_ tired.”

“Me too, Jack. We can sleep soon.” She said to him.

Peter said to Elizabeth, “I don’t like this. This feels _really_ bad. These kids are alone, exhausted, and look absolutely terrified.”

“Could you help them find their parents instead of the cops?” Elizabeth asked

Peter responded in the most salty tone of voice, angry at himself,  “I don’t know if you noticed, El, but I’m complete shit at finding missing people. Or has that not become blantely apparent over the years.”

Elizabeth sadly sighed. She soon noticed how the children looked out the window with utter fascination. Like they had never seen anything like it before. They didn’t know it, but they hadn’t.

* * *

 

They got to the precinct. Peter and Elizabeth got out of the car.

“We’re here.” Elizabeth told them. They had trouble undoing the seatbelt so Elizabeth helped. Molly and Jack got out of the car and were completely overwhelmed with their surroundings. They were in a more populated area now. There was a lot of people, skyscrapers, cars, people talking, and car horns. Jack started crying. Peter and Elizabeth got them inside as soon as possible.

Molly and Jack were still squeezing each other’s hands. The inside of the precinct didn’t get much better. Still lots of people and lots of sounds. It was very overwhelming to the children.

They got to the elevator and Peter and Elizabeth got on but the children stopped.

“What’s wrong?” Peter asked

“What’s that?” Molly quietly asked

Peter and Elizabeth seemed confused and concerned at her question. Peter answered, “It’s an elevator. You get in and it takes you to another place in the building. The police on another floor can help you.” They eventually got on the elevator.

They got out and Peter and Elizabeth guided them to the right office. Special Victims Unit. They walked in and Peter asked a man at a desk, “Can I see who’s in charge?”

“Sure. She’s back there.” and he pointed to the office behind him.

Peter walked back and knocked on the office door. He heard a woman say, “Come in.”

Peter did and she said, “I’m Lt. Benson. What can I do for you?”

“I was dropping my wife off at home before heading back to the office and we came across those children. They say they need the police. I figured missing children were your department.”

Benson looked surprised and she noticed the children hiding behind Elizabeth outside the office. “Yes, you’d be right. We handle missing children. Do you know what happened?”

“Not really. All I know is that it’s nothing good. Their names are Molly and Jack, ages six and four. They don’t know their parents names. They keep saying that they need help. They’re sweaty, absolutely exhausted, and completely and utterly terrified.”

“Okay, we’ll find out what happened and where the parents are.”

“Thank you.” Peter went to leave but turned around and said, “Call me when you find their parents. I’m concerned. They look like they’ve really been through something.” And he gave her his business card.

She looked at it and got surprised. “I will Agent Burke.”

He left to go back to his office, Benson went into the interview to talk to the children. She looked into the interview room and saw how absolutely terrified and completely exhausted they looked. “ _God only knows the kind of day they’ve had.”_ She thought.

Both were lying their heads on the table, using their arms as support. She thought that Jack may be asleep. Before going in she called Amaro in her office.

“I need their DNA yesterday. Maybe they or their parents are in the system.”

“Got it.”

Shortly after she walked into the interview room.

Molly looked up hesitantly.

“Hello.” She said gently and calmly. The way you talk to scared children. She inched closer to them and said, “My name is Olivia. I’ve been told that your names are Jack and Molly. Is that right?” Molly nodded. “How old are you?” She asked

“I’m six and he’s four.” She said quietly

“I’ve been told that you need help.”

“Yeah. Daddy needs help.” Molly said quietly

“Where are your parents?” Olivia asked

“In Cabin.” She answered

“Where’s cabin?” Olivia asked interested. Molly shrugged.

“Do your parents have names other than Mommy and Daddy?”

She shrugged again. “You have to find Daddy.” Molly said, voice getting a little louder.

“We will.” Olivia replied. Knowing the children were too tired and scared to be of any more help and with the DNA coming back soon she told them, “You two seem to be really tired. How about while I try to find your Daddy and you guys take a nap. I’ll have some more questions later.” Molly nodded and woke up her brother. She moved them into their on call room that had some bunks.

She figured while she waited for the DNA to come back she’d look through Missing Persons reports to see if there was anything on the kids.

While she was looking Amaro came into her office. “We got DNA back.”

“Wow. That was quick.” She remarked. It took less than two hours.

“Well you say it’s for missing children and they haul ass.” Nick remarked, “It also helps when both parents are in the system.”

“Wow.” Olivia was impressed

He laid down a file and said, “The father is Neal Caffrey. Reported missing seven years ago. Allegedly taken by Christina Mendoza. Who also happens to be their mother.”

Olivia was speechless. She finally muttered an “Oh my god.”

“Yeah.” Amaro said in agreement. She grabbed the photos from the files and ran to the on call room. She gently woke up the kids and asked, “Hey. I have a question. Do you know this man?” She showed them Neal’s picture from the file. The pictures were old but they were still able to identify them.

“Daddy!” Jack exclaimed “You finded him!”

“Almost.” She said, “We’re trying.” She showed them Christina’s picture.  “What about her?”

“That’s Mommy.” Molly said matter-of-factly. Olivia noted the severe difference of enthusiasm. Knowing clearly which parent they preferred.

“When was the last time you saw Daddy?” Olivia asked

“Right before we ran.” Molly said

“So today?” Olivia tried to clarify

“Yeah.”

“Maybe a few hours ago?” Olivia was trying to get the most recent proof of life possible. Molly nodded. “You did great. Sleep some more. In a little bit I’ll have some more questions.” Molly and Jack nodded and laid back down next to each other.

She walked back to her squad and asked, “Amaro filled you all in?” They nodded. “Who’s his next of kin?”

Rollins looked in the file and said, “The closest person would be his case agent. Agent Peter Burke.”

“Wait?” Olivia said trying to get it straight, “The same guy who came in with the kids?”

“Small world.” Amaro commented

Olivia sighed, comprehending the situation. Just because she dealt with situations of this caliber before didn’t make it any easier.

“He mentioned he was going back to the office. I’m going to tell him in person.” She grabbed the file with the DNA results and left in a hurry.

* * *

 

She walked into the FBI White Collar Division. It was now evening and she only saw one person up in an office. She assumed that was Agent Burke. She walked up the stairs and knocked on the open door.

He looked up and greeted, “Hey, Lieutenant.”

“I have some news about those kids you found earlier.”

“Oh did you find their parents?” Peter asked, completely unaware of what she was about to tell him.

“Yeah. We did.” She said.

“And?”

She took a deep breath and said, “We got maternal and paternal DNA hits.” She laid the file on his desk, “The paternal DNA matches your old CI, Neal Caffrey.”

Peter was breathless and numb. His face turned white. He kept looking down at the file and back at her. Confirming that this was real.

“His file said that he went missing seven years ago allegedly by Christina Mendoza.”

Peter knew where this was going.

“Yeah.” He answered

“The maternal DNA matches hers.”

Peter was very overwhelmed. He didn’t know what to think.

“I know this is a lot of information.” Olivia said

Peter said, calmly and seriously, “I’ve been looking for him everyday for seven years.”

He picked up the top file from the corner of his desk and gave it to her. She took it and was surprised that to see that it was Neal’s. She was surprised that he had the file so close to him, although she knew she shouldn’t have been if he had been looking for him the better part of a decade.

“I always knew she took him. But I could never figure out where.” Peter said. She could hear how badly he was hurting. She could see the _immense_ hurt on his face. She saw how the immense hurt and lack of any sort of closure had affected him over the years.

“I’m going back to interview the kids some more. They were exhausted so I let them sleep a little. They should be able to tell us more now. They positively id'd both Neal and Christina. We believe that as of a few hours ago, Neal was alive.”

“I’m coming.” Peter said adamantly

“What?”

“I’ve been looking for him for most of the last decade. I’m coming.”

“Fine.” She conceded

In the car on the way there Peter called Elizabeth and told her the situation. After he hung up he said, “I have to call his friend, Mozzie. We always promised that we’d call if either of us came up with anything.” 

 

Mozzie was sitting alone at a bar. He motioned for the bartender to pour him another drink.

He had stayed in New York all these years. Just incase Neal came back or there was a break in the case. He left a few aliases open that Neal knew. Just incase Neal would try one of them for whatever reason. Though he normally he went through phones and numbers like underwear he left one number active. Just incase Neal tried to call him, he would be able to. It was also the number he gave to Peter. Incase there were any developments.

Then that particular phone rang. Mozzie was surprised. It hadn’t rung in so long. Every once in awhile one would call to see how the other was doing. They were the closest people to Neal. So they were the most affected. They’d also discuss theories, but none ever had any leads. Leads dried up years ago, but that didn’t stop them from searching.

Mozzie picked up the phone without hesitation, “Hello.”

“Get down to SVU at the 19th precinct. Now! The case has been blown wide open.”

“On my way!” Mozzie said and hung up. He sprinted out of the bar.

“Hey! Aren’t you gonna pay for those?!” The bartender yelled after him. That never even occurred to Mozzie.

 

He got there shortly after Benson and Peter did. He walked into her office.

“What’s the development?” He asked then saw the children in the interview room through the one way mirror. He stopped and sighed.

He knew.

“He knew that he couldn’t get himself out, but he could get them out, and they could get help. So that’s what he did.” He quietly said. Benson and Peter were surprised at his comment.

“We haven’t even said anything  yet.” She said

Mozzie looked at them and said sadly, “You didn’t have to.” Between seeing them and Peter, being told there was a break in the case, the fact that Neal was taken by a woman, and he guessed Molly was between six and seven. He knew. He put those pieces together.

“Although this does show something important.” They looked at him with curiosity, he continued, “This means that _our_ Neal is still in there. Somewhere. And he’s still fighting like hell.”

There was a silence in the office.

Benson finally broke the silence and said, “We’re going to question the kids some more. Hoping they can provide a location.”

“I’m coming.” Peter insisted. Benson knew that she was not going to be able to convince him otherwise. So she warned Peter,

“We have no real idea of what they’re going to say in there. We don’t know what really happened yet. We just have a general idea right now. We won’t really know until we find Neal and get his statement. Find Neal first, then find out what happened. My squad and I are trained to deal with difficult cases. You’re not. If at any point it’s too much for you. Please leave to compose yourself. Because you can’t fall apart in front of them. Or even look like you are. You just can’t fall apart in front of victims. Also, kids are smarter than you think.”  Peter nodded and they walked into the interview room.

Olivia said, “Hey. This is my friend, Peter. He’s going to be with me while I ask you a few more questions so we can find your Daddy.”

“Okay.” Molly said and Jack nodded.

“I actually knew your Daddy.” Peter said, “We were friends. More like family. We worked together.” He smiled and he said, “And sometimes we worked against each other. There were times that I would chase him,”

“Like tag?” Molly asked

“Kind of.” Peter said, “But for grown-ups.” He said oversimplifying things.

Peter said to them, “When he went missing it hurt a lot of people so much. Your Daddy has a lot of people here that care about him, miss him terribly, and want him back home. But we need your help finding him. Can you help us bring him home?”

Molly smiled and said, “We can help. We like helping. Daddy even said he had a friend named Peter who would find him a lot.”

Peter, holding back tears, trying to stay stoic yet gentle, “Yeah. That’s me.”

Olivia said, “ Earlier you said that Daddy was in cabin. Do you know what the outside looks like? Do you know what's around it?”

“Can you point to it on a map?” Peter asked. Benson tried not to look at Peter like he just asked a dumb question. Because she figured that these kids only had a vague idea of where they were and most likely didn’t have a handle on geography.

Jack giggled in response to Peter’s question, “What’s funny?” Peter asked

Molly responded, “That’s silly.”

“Why is that silly?” Olivia asked

“Because cabin’s not on any map. Daddy said so. He said that’s why Peter couldn’t find him this time.”

Peter’s heat shattered into a million pieces.

He looked and felt like he was just punched repeatedly in the gut. Olivia looked over and gave a look to Peter, silently asking if he was okay. If he needed to step out for a moment. Peter subtly nodded to her that he would continue, but she could tell he was giving it everything he’s got not to fall into a million pieces.

“Do you know what the outside looks like?” Olivia asked again

“Yeah.” Molly responded

“Do you think you two could draw it?” She asked, they nodded. She gave them some paper and crayons. While they were drawing Olivia asked, “Have you ever left cabin before? Or do you stay?”

“We stay. Mommy goes sometimes, but she always comes back.”

“So this is the first time you’ve been out?” Peter asked

“Yeah.” Jack said. Neither elaborated.

Olivia looked over to Peter and saw knew that he was trying _so hard_ to keep himself together. She wondered whether or not to tell him to leave. She looked and Molly’s drawing and started to ask about it. “Who’s those people outside?”

Molly said point to each stick person in the drawing, “That’s me, and Jack, and Mommy.”

Olivia noticed some things about the drawing and asked, “Where’s Daddy?”

“He’s inside.” She responded, “Only Mommy’s allowed outside. Sometimes we are. When we’re good. Daddy’s _never_ allowed outside. She makes sure.”

Peter was _so close_ to walking out, because he couldn’t bare it anymore, but he stayed. He continued to try to maintain his composure.

Olivia noticed a small stick person under and away from the others. She asked, “Who’s that?”

“That’s Sissy.” Molly said

“So you have another sibling?” Olivia asked. Peter put his hand to his mouth then immediately removed it.

“No. She went back to heaven.” Molly said.

“Do you know why?” Olivia asked

“Daddy said that she never breathed. That she never had a heartbeat. The things that says you’re alive. Daddy was really sad when Mommy took her away. I asked here she was going with Sissy and he said that she was going to bury her. He said that’s what you do after people go to heaven.” Peter swallowed a lump in his throat. Throughout the entire interview he had a very hard time keeping still, constantly shifting uncomfortably.

“When was this?” Olivia asked

Molly counted on her fingers, “Um.” She thought and counted again, “Five or six sleeps ago.”

“I’m sorry. Excuse me.” Peter said and tried not to run out of the room. He got out of the room and into her adjoining office where he started hyperventilating.

“Are you okay?” Amaro asked

“I just need a minute.” Peter said trying to control his breathing. Mozzie pat his shoulder, completely horrified with the situation as well. He was speechless.

Back in the interview room Olivia knew that Peter would break eventually. Just because she was trained to deal with situations like this didn’t make it any easier.

“So it seems like there’s a lot of big trees around cabin. Is it in a forest?” She asked

“Yeah. We saw a lot of trees when we were running.” Molly said

“Okay. Do you know how long you were running?” She knew that kids around her age weren’t that good with the concept of time and the passage of time, but she figured she’d give it a shot.

“Lots of hours. It seemed like forever.” Molly responded. Olivia was right, that didn’t really help. But she figured there were only so many forests in the New York area that kids could run from.

“Was it all forest?”

“A lot was.”

“Okay. Thank you. You’ve both been such a big help. We’re gonna find your Daddy.” Olivia said and left. She got into her office and immediately asked Peter, “How are you doing?”

He sighed, “I just needed a minute.”

“I could tell you were barely hanging on the entire time.”

“He wasn’t the only one.” Mozzie commented

Peter informed her, “Amaro’s checking on the general location.”

“I figured there aren’t too many forests nearby. We should find him soon.” Olivia assured, but she knew that didn’t make him feel better. If anything it made them feel worse because Neal was sort of nearby and they still couldn’t find him.

Amaro came in and said, “There’s only one forest within a reasonable running distance, called Broken Woodlands.”

“Of course it is.” Mozzie said, commenting on the name

“We’ll head up there now.” Olivia said, about to leave.

“I’m coming.” Peter again insisted

“No.” Olivia said, “You were barely able to contain yourself in there. You’re too close to this.”

“I’ve been looking for him for _seven years_. I’m coming.” Peter said seriously, not budging a single inch.

“Fine.” She conceded. She had bigger issues, like her current case.

“Hold on, Neal. Just hold on a _little bit longer._  I’m coming.” Peter muttered quietly

Olivia and her squad, along with Peter, left to canvas the forest and sent an officer to watch the kids. Before the officer arrived but after everyone else left, out of sheer curiosity, and if he was being honest with himself, a little self hurt, Mozzie walked into the interview room to see the children.

He hesitantly walked into the interview room. “Hey.” He kindly greeted. Mozzie couldn’t help but notice now up close how tired and terrified the children looked.

He couldn’t imagine what they’ve seen and heard over the years.

He couldn’t bear to think about it.

“I’m Mozzie. I knew your Dad.” He said and said down next to them, they were drawing some more.

“Daddy said he knew a Mozzie. I said that’s not a real name.”

Mozzie sadly smiled, “You’re a smart kid.” He asked, “What else does your Dad say?”

“He said that his friend, Mozzie went to heaven.” Molly said while drawing

Mozzie was shocked. He knew what, ‘went to heaven’ meant. “How does he know this?”

“Daddy told us that Mommy told him in order for her plan to work Mozzie had to go to heaven.”

Mozzie didn’t know what to say to that. He was completely speechless. He couldn’t fathom that his best friend believed he was dead for the past seven years, killed by his captor.

“We’re really tired. Can we go back to sleep?” Molly asked

“Yeah. It’s been quite a long day for you guys.” Mozzie said, trying to maintain his composure. Molly and Jack nodded.

“Where were you sleeping?”

“In the room with the beds. There were so many.” Jack said. Mozzie assumed they can on call room.

“Yeah. I’ll wake you up when they find your Dad.” Mozzie said and lead them to the on call room.

* * *

 They combined the forest by land and air. After a little while of searching by air Peter saw a little blip on the ground. “There’s something. It could be the cabin. It seems like there’s a shed too.”

“Makes sense. We’ll land nearby.” Olivia replied

They landed in a nearby clearing in full tac gear with back-up and ESU. They approached the cabin on foot that night. They got to the door and saw the keypad.

Olivia said to ESU, “We’re gonna need a blowtorch or something.”

Peter couldn’t wait for that.

He had been waiting for this moment for almost a decade.

Without hesitation he grabbed his gun, shot twice at the keypad which made the door creak open. Peter ran up to the door, grabbed it, and forcefully pulled it open. They entered. Peter yelled with his gun drawn

“FREEZE! FBI AND NYPD!”

They saw Christina straddled on top of Neal back facing all of the law enforcement that now surrounded the door. Peter saw what he believed was a bloody knife in her hand.

“DROP THE WEAPON!” He yelled as he got closer

“DROP IT OR I WILL _NOT_ HESITATE TO SHOOT YOU!” Peter yelled and cocked his gun.

Christina put her hands up. Peter was right. She was holding a bloody kitchen knife.

“GET OFF HIM! NOW!” Peter yelled

Christina dropped the knife on the floor. It made a clanging sound. She slowly got off Neal.  Knowing it was over. She was immediately arrested by SVU.

“Christina Mendoza. You are under arrest for kidnapping, attempt at murder, and rape…” What Olivia didn’t say was, and whatever else we can charge you with.

Peter uncocked his gun and ran to Neal who was tied to the bed. He saw slash marks, deep and shallow, all over his body. His shirt ripped open. He pants ripped in various places where stab wounds were. Blood and bruises coated his now small malnourished body. Peter didn’t even recognize his unconscious face. Bloody, swollen, bruises along with years of malnutrition and abuse obscured it. He looked like he was punched in the face repeatedly and stabbed everywhere else.

As Christina was being lead out Peter yelled at her, “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HIM?!”

She yelled back, extremely angry, “HE TURNED _MY_ CHILDREN AGAINST ME! HE GOT _MY_ CHILDREN TO RUN AWAY! HE DESERVES TO DIE!”

Peter turned back to Neal, checking his pulse and finding it to be shallow. “WHERE’S THAT EMT?! WE NEED IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!” He yelled to the group of cops behind him.

He untied Neal’s hands and said desperately to Neal while trying to wake him up, “Come on! Come one! Wake up! I’m here now! I know it took _much_ longer than either of us would like. But I’m here now. Don’t die on me now goddamnit! DON’T DIE ON ME _NOW_ ! You’re safe now! I’m here. Everything’s gonna be okay. You can’t die on me _now!_ ” He pleaded desperately, tears falling down his face. He couldn't handle losing his friend  _right_ after he found him again.

He tried to do heart compressions, hoping maybe it would make his heart less shallow and more regular. He moved when the paramedics told him to and they moved Neal out on a stretcher. He watched in tears as his barely alive friend got moved onto a stretcher and to a helicopter where he’d be taken to a nearby hospital.

Peter prayed that his friend would make it there alive.


	3. The Hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Neal's rescue begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is much longer than I intended. It's by far the longest chapter I've written, ever. I just couldn't find a satisfying place to end it. 
> 
> Until I did.
> 
> Even though a lot of shit goes down in this chapter. This plot as a whole is moving slower than I first anticipated. I first had this estimated at 5 long chapters. Now I have no clue how many chapters there will be.

Benson, Amaro, and Barba, walked out of the interrogation room and to the squad room.

“How’d it go?” Rollins asked

“She lawyered up almost immediately.” Benson said

“I don’t know why. She was caught red handed. She needs to get that it’s over.” Barba said

“She kept demanding to see the kids.” Amaro brought up

“Over my cold dead body.” Benson asserted. The others nodded in agreement.

“Why did she get a lawyer anyway? She’s guilty, it’s over.” Finn wondered

“Against her lawyer’s and my strong urging she would not take a deal. To spare Neal the trauma of a trial, I was _very_ generous and offered her thirty years and to never contact Neal or the children again and she refused. She wants to go to trial. Which she will lose. Her lawyer knows that.” Barba said

“How’d she even get someone to represent her? She’s psycho.” Finn responded

“That’s actually funny because she couldn’t. She called like ten lawyers and none would represent her. When she told them about the case they all told her that they were too busy to take on new clients. They only said that _after_ she told them about her case. Also, that’s too many lawyers to be a coincidence. She ended up getting a public defender.” Amaro said, quite satisfied.

“She wants to continue torturing this man by going to trial.” Barba said, overwhelmed by this whole case.

“I don’t know if he could even handle testifying. We haven’t been able to talk to him yet.” Benson brought up

“How’s he doing? Have you heard anything?” Barba asked Benson

“Last I heard he was still in surgery. If it doesn’t go well you’re going to have to up the attempt at murder charge to murder.”

“Um, actually, you can still charge her with murder.” Rollins piped up

“Why? The baby? She was probably stillborn if she never took a breath.” Barba answered

“No. While you were in there CSU called and they found the body of who they believe to be an older male. We can ask Neal about it when he wakes up.”

“If he wakes up.” Barba muttered

“How are the kids?” Rollins asked

“They spent their whole lives locked in a cabin. God only knows what went on there. When we talked to them they seemed terrified and exhausted.” Benson responded 

“Let’s get the kids’ statements now and maybe by the time we’re done Neal will be able to talk.” Amaro suggested

“Let's go.”

Benson and Amaro left for the hospital.

* * *

 

After Neal went into surgery, still unconscious, Peter made some calls he’d been waiting to make for years. He called June, who showed up shortly after. He also called Jones and Diana. They also showed up to see Mozzie, Peter, and Elizabeth, along with the children, in the waiting room.

“Wait. You seriously found him?” Diana immediately asked

“Yeah. It still sounds weird to say.” There were times Peter was unsure that this would ever happen, “He’s in surgery.”

“How’d you find him?” Jones asked

“Oh God.” Peter said, still in shock, “A lot has happened in the last few hours.”

Peter filled them in on the story.

They stared at him in horrified shock.

“Oh my god.” Jones said in complete shock

“ _Holy shit.”_ Diana said in complete disbelief, “And you don’t even really know what happened yet?”

Peter shook his head, “No. We were too focused on finding Neal to take statements.”

 

Mozzie was standing nearby. He looked over a saw the kids huddled next to each other on a chair in the corner of the room. Their heads tucked down. He decided to check on them. He slowly walked over and sat next to them, “Hey guys. You doing okay?”

They were silent. Mozzie assured, “It’s okay. It’s Mozzie, from the police station. Remember?”

Molly looked up and said quietly, “There’s a lot of people here.” Along with Mozzie, Peter and Elizabeth. There was Jones, Diana, June, along with a few doctors and nurses who passed through from time to time.

Jack looked up and said quietly, “We’ve never seen so much people.”

Molly corrected him, “No, we saw bunches going at the police station and before we went inside. This comes second.”

That broke Mozzie’s heart. He didn’t even think it could be broken more.

“These are all people who know your Dad and are happy he’s been found.” Mozzie said, “You know, we couldn’t have done it without you guys getting help and helping the police find him. You saved him. You saved yourselves.” The kids seemed confused about the last sentence. Mozzie continued, “We’ll never be able to thank you enough for bringing him home to us. We’ve missed him so much. So, just, thank you. That’s just not enough though.”

The kids didn’t really know what to say in return to everything he said. Although they did know what to say in response in thank you. “You’re welcome.” Molly said and Jack repeated her.

Mozzie just smiled.

Jack asked, “When can we see Daddy?”

Mozzie’s smile faded, “The doctors are working on making him better.”

Molly asked, “Did Mommy hurt him again?”

Mozzie looked like a deer in headlights. He scrambled trying to think of something to say. Something to comfort these kids. He finally said, “You’ll be able to see him soon.”

Molly asked, ever curious, “I have a question.”

“What?” Mozzie asked

“Why don’t grown-ups answer questions?”

“What?” Mozzie was confused

“Because when I asked Daddy about his hurt eye a few days ago he didn’t answer me. He just told me to let it go. Then asked me about something else.”

Mozzie truly didn’t know what to say to that.

 

Meanwhile Peter started pacing the waiting room, anxiously waiting for an update from Neal’s surgeon. Elizabeth sat nearby. He saw the detectives arrive. Benson asked

“How’s Neal?”

“Still in surgery. We’re waiting for an update.” Peter answered

Amaro said, “Christina lawyered up and refuses to talk. We need to start piecing together what happened,”

Peter interrupted, completely exasperated, “ _Why?”_

“Apparently she’s trying to make this as hard as possible for everyone involved.” Benson replied, completely fuming.

“Not surprising. She tortured him for seven years. What makes me think she’d stop now?” Peter asked himself in complete disbelief.

Benson got back to what she was originally saying. “We want to take a statement from the kids. Like I said, we need to start piecing together what happened. She’s not saying anything and we don’t know when Neal will be able to talk.”

Just then a male doctor arrived and said, “Hello, Agent Burke. I’m Doctor Winters, Neal’s surgeon, Doctor Fields, sent me.”

“How’s Neal?” Peter immediately asked

“He’s fighting.” Doctor Winters left it at that, “He sent me because we believe it’s in the best interests of the children to physically evaluate them.”

“What? Why are you asking me?”

“Because they’re minors I need prior approval. Their parent is in currently incapacitated. You were his last emergency contact.”

A new wave of shock rolled through Peter. He responded, “A few hours ago I didn’t know these children even existed. Now I have to make medical decisions for them.” Peter said, his voice filled with doubt, “I don’t know what Neal would want.”

Elizabeth got up and said to Peter, “I feel you should do it. It’s in the children’s best interest.”

Peter responded, “What if Neal wouldn’t want this for them?”

“If he hears that you thought this was in their best interest. That you were putting them first. I think he’ll understand.”

Peter thought for a second, “Fine.”

“Do you want to be present?” Doctor Winters asked

“Okay.” Peter said

Benson asked Doctor Winters, “Would you mind if we took some evidence and asked them some questions?”

“As long as the children are okay with it. I don’t want to overwhelm them.”

“After the day they’ve had. Too late.” Peter remarked while looking over at the children.

* * *

 

The doctor took the kids into an exam room and checked them out, did a few tests. They didn’t like it when the doctor had to take blood. Peter stayed with them. Even though the doctor was gentle and good with kids, they were still scared.

After the physical exam Peter pulled the doctor aside and asked, “So how are they?”

“They’re both bright, alert even though they’re still tired. I can already tell both are very intelligent for their age. They have advanced literacy and numeric accuracy. Although there will be issues.”

Peter sighed, “What kind of issues?”

“Socialization, obviously. Although it’s good that they had Neal and each other. Sensory modulation, filtering and sorting through stimuli. That’s why they become overwhelmed easily. They’re not use to this much stimuli.” Peter sighed again. “It’s best Neal got them out early. Kids are resilient. They might be young enough to forget. Which will be a mercy.”

“What about Neal?”

“I would need to evaluate him before I make a proper assessment. But based on what I know about the case, Neal’s going to need _a lot_ of help going forward.” Peter nodded.

Then it was time for the police statement. Doctor Winters and Peter sat in on it.

They took the kids to a private room. Lt. Benson sat down next to them.

“Hey. I’m Olivia. Do you remember me?” They nodded, “We’re just going to talk for a while. That okay?” They nodded.

“When can we see Daddy? He said we would see him after the police got him. The police got him so why can’t we see him?” Molly said, getting impatient.

Olivia answered, “The doctors are working on making him better. You’ll be able to see him soon. How about we talk a little bit while we wait.”

“I have a question.” Molly said

“Sure.”

“Did Mommy hurt Daddy again?” Molly asked

Olivia was very surprised with that question but remained calm. Peter was horrified, almost leaving the room. Even though he knew horrifying things were coming. Olivia asked, “Why would you think that Mommy would hurt Daddy?”

“We hear things. We have really good ears.”

“What would you hear?” Olivia asked

“Mommy yelling at Daddy. A lot. I don’t know why. Sometimes later Daddy would look hurt. A few days ago he had a hurt eye. All big and black. When we asked he said he ran into the bathroom door. He would always say stuff like that. I think he was lying.”

They were surprised that Molly caught on. Olivia asked, “Why do you think that?”

“Because it happens too much to be real. No one falls _that_ much.” Molly responded

“Did your Mom ever hurt you? Either of you?” She asked

“No.” Molly responded, Jack nodded. Peter breathed a sigh of relief. “She would get mad at us if we broke a rule.”

“How would she get mad?”

Jack said, “She would tell us we did something wrong and to not do it again.”

“Anything else?”

Jack and Molly shook their heads.

Peter breathed another sigh of relief.

Molly added, “When she got _really_ mad and would blow up at anything Daddy would tell us to go into the bathroom and close the door.”

Jack said, “Daddy made sure we were never alone with Mommy.”

“I bet he always protected you two.” Olivia said

“Yeah.” Molly said, Jack nodded. Peter’s heart broke even more.

“When did your Dad tell you to run away?” Olivia asked them

“A few days ago he told us about World and how we needed to run away.” Molly said

“What do you mean he told you about World?” Olivia wondered what that meant

“That there’s a world out there full of people and buildings and animals. That there’s something between outer space and the cabin clearing.”

“Were you ever allowed outside?”

“Yeah. Sometimes when we were really good she’d let us outside. She’d watch us.”

“She didn’t this time.” Jack added

“Why not?” Olivia asked

“It was part of the plan.” Molly said, “Daddy said to ask to go outside when she was doing something so she might let us out alone. Then run until we saw a person. Then tell them we needed help.” She looked over at Peter and said, “You were the first people we saw so I said we needed help.”

“That’s good. You did a great job alerting us.” Peter said, “We couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Can you tell me more about your plan?” Olivia asked

“After Daddy told us about World he said that Mommy stole him. That confused me. I didn’t know you could steal people. Daddy said that we had to ask Mommy to go outside. He said to do it when she was doing something so maybe she’d let us out alone. Then we run until we see a real person and say that we need help. Then the police would get Daddy. When we asked Mommy said no at first because she was busy, but I got her to say yes.”

“How?”

“I started to play tag with Jack. We were running around yelling. Soon she got annoyed and said we could go outside while she cooked dinner.”

“You were very smart to think of that, and very brave to follow the plan.” Olivia finally said, “Thank you. You should be able to see him soon.”

They brought the kids back to the waiting room. Peter was pacing back and forth, anxiously waiting for the doctor. Peter wasn’t really religious, but he was praying to every god he’d ever heard of that Neal survived the surgery.

Molly and Jack were coming back from the bathroom when they heard Jones and Diana talking outside the waiting area. They didn’t see the kids standing not to far away because their backs were towards the kids.

They heard Diana say, “It’s safe to say that _no one_ was expecting _anything_ like this.”

“I didn’t even think he’d still be alive after all these years.”

“That’s still up the air.”

“If he dies now, after all he’s been through.” Jones said in disbelief

There was a pause before he remarked, “It’s actually good that he had the kids though. The isolation would have driven him insane. Humans aren’t meant to be alone like that. Especially not someone like him.”

“Who said it didn’t?” Diana responded, “No one’s been able to talk to him yet.”

“Those poor kids though. Being locked up their entire lives. I can’t even imagine.”

Molly thought, ‘ _What do they mean, locked up? It was just cabin. Where we lived. Daddy was always there. Sometimes it wasn’t that good. But it was where we lived.’_

The cabin was the only thing the kids had ever known.

“There’s going to be _a lot_ of issues to deal with. Psychologically.”

“I wonder if they’ll ever be normal.” Jones said

“They’re young. Kids are normally pretty resilient anyway. Neal on the other hand. Who knows? Maybe not.” Diana said

Molly thought, ‘ _What do they mean? Are we not normal? Is Daddy not normal? Is Daddy not going to be okay?’_

Jones and Diana walked back into the waiting room and the kids followed shortly after.

Neal’s surgeon, Doctor Fields, came into the waiting area and everyone turned their attention to him.

“How’s Neal?” Peter asked

“We just finished the surgery. He had a lot of internal and external bleeding, which lead to a lot of blood loss. Some of the stabs wounds hit his organs.”

“What are you saying, Doctor?” Mozzie asked, absolutely terrified of what he could say.

“It was touch and go for a while, but he survived the surgery. We were able to stop all the bleeding and sew up his wounds.” Everyone let out a sigh of relief, “He’s most certainly a fighter. With the amount of blood he lost and his severely weakened state, he shouldn’t have survived. He’s very lucky. You’re lucky you found him in time. Any later and there would have been a different outcome.”

“When can I see him?” Peter asked

“We’re going to gently ease him out of sedation. We don’t want to overwhelm him. Since he’ll be waking up in a different place for the first time in years, after presumably being tortured.” He said, “After he’s awake we’ll do visitors at whatever rate he’s comfortable with.”

“Okay. Thank you, Doctor.” Peter said.

He looked over at the kids, who were sitting nearby and were seemingly confused with everything the doctor had just said. He knelt down to them and said with a smile, “He’s going to be okay. You’ll be able to see him soon.”

“Yey!” Jack exclaimed, and Molly smiled

* * *

 

Everyone waited. Peter couldn’t seem to sit still. He anxiously paced around the waiting room. His heart was beating a mile a minute. Finally Doctor Fields came back and said, “He’s awake and alert. He wants to see the kids.”

The doctor went over and said, “You can see your Dad now.” They kids perked up immediately. He led them to Neal’s room. He opened the door and said, “Hey. You have some visitors.”

They walked in and saw Neal sitting up in the hospital bed. He had bandages all over, a nasal cannula, an IV for pain meds, and was on a heart monitor.

“Daddy!!” They exclaimed and run to him, jumping on the bed.

He immediately gave them hugs and said relieved, “It’s so good to see you two.”

“We did the plan. Just like you said.” Molly said

“I know.” He said with a smile, “You saved me. I’ll never be able to thank you enough.” He smiled and said, “We’re in the World now.”

Jack said, “There’s a lot of people outside.”

Neal knew there would be. Molly brought up, “I thought you said that your friend, Mozzie, was in heaven.”

“Yeah. Why?”

“He’s outside. He was at the police station earlier.” Molly said

Neal was shocked, but at the same time, he wasn’t. He muttered under his breath, “That bitch.”

“What?” Molly asked

“Nothing.” Neal said

Molly and Jack noticed the amount of bandages and stitches as soon as they came in. Molly finally asked, “Did Mommy hurt you again?”

He felt worse than when he was being stabbed. He deflected and asked, “Is Peter out there?”

“Your friend?” Jack asked and Neal nodded

“Yeah. He was also the first person we saw so we told him that we needed help.” Molly said

“Oh.” Neal was interested, “How’d you find him?”

Molly told him about how Peter almost ran into them with his car.

“What?” Neal asked shocked. He really wanted answers. “Are you okay? You seem okay.”

“It didn’t touch us. We’re all cool!” Molly said and gave him two thumbs up. Neal chuckled and smiled.

Doctor Winters came in and said, “Just coming to check in.”

“We’re good.” Neal said, “Peter Burke’s outside?”

“Yeah. He’s been wanting to see you for quite a while.” Neal nodded knowingly, “Do you want to see him?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“I’ll bring him right in.” The doctor said and left.

* * *

 

He went into the waiting room and said to Peter, “He’d asked to see you.”

Peter’s heart skipped a beat. He was going to truly see Neal for the first time in years. The walk from the waiting room to the hospital room felt like forever.

He walked into the room he started tearing up when he saw Neal. Neal started tearing up as well. Peter gave him a huge hug as they cried.

When they finally broke the hug Peter said, “I can’t believe it.”

“Me too.”

“It’s _so good_ to see you again.”

“Yeah.”

“We’ve just been looking for _so long._ ” Peter looked at the kids and said, “Thank you. So much. You brought him back to us. You’re so damn brave.” They couldn’t fully comprehend what they did. What had happened over the last twelve hours or so. 

Peter took a seat in the chair nearby. Just smiling ear to ear. Neal was smiling as well. It was then that Neal really looked at Peter. He noticed that his hair looked grayer. Not salt and pepper yet, but brown with specks of grey. Neal could see the stress on his face by the faint wrinkles around his eyes and mouth. He had also lost weight. Neal wondered if maybe he was just remembering Peter’s face wrong and he looked like that before. About a year or two into his abduction, he couldn’t really remember, faces and voices started to dissolve from his memory. He soon realized that his appearance was just from time.

“There were times that I never thought that this would happen.” Peter said in disbelief, wiping some tears from his face.

Neal felt the same way. He asked, “Did you get her?”

Peter nodded, “Yeah. We got her. She’s with the police now. She’ll never get out.”

“Good.” Neal replied

There was a silence between them. Neal then brought up matter-of-factly, “So I hear that you almost ran into my kids with your car.”

Peter had a look of _oh shit oh shit oh shit._  He immediately said in defense, “Okay, I didn’t know they were yours until later. They darted out of nowhere. I didn’t actually hit them.”

Neal smiled and said, “It’s fine. They’re okay. That’s all that matters.”

Peter was terrified that Neal was angry with him. Peter didn’t want to say the wrong thing. He didn’t want to make him upset or anything.

Although he didn’t seem angry or upset. He seemed happy, calm, relieved, stoic.

He seemed okay on the outside, but Peter knew damn well that was not the case.

When Peter looked at Neal he couldn’t see past the thick facade anymore.

It made him wonder if the Neal he knew seven long years ago was still in there, somewhere. Hidden deep under years and years of abuse and trauma. He knew the answer though.

The Neal sitting next to him was far from the man whom he last saw leave the van that night so many years ago.

He knew they couldn’t pick up where they left off.

The kids sat on the bed and played with the TV remote, completely fascinated with it. Neal and Peter just sat in silence. Neither knew what to say now. Peter finally spoke up,

“I shouldn’t have told you to leave that night in the van. I should have told you to sit down and shut up like I normally did.” Peter had replayed that night over and over again in his mind. He must have done it a million times or more over the years. Wondering if there was something he could have done differently. Something that would have saved Neal from that hell.

“Peter, please don’t blame yourself. She meticulously planned this. If she didn’t act that night she would have chosen another night that I was alone. There wasn’t a way to prevent it. No one even knew who she was or that she was a threat.”

Peter noted the defeated acceptance in his voice. It destroyed him. “I should have watched you more. I should have known she was stalking you. I should have protected you more.”

“You can’t change the past, Peter.” Neal said. Peter was surprised with his level of insight, his stoicism. Peter thought that he seemed almost too stoic. He thought that perhaps Neal was still in shock that his plan worked. That maybe he hadn’t comprehended everything yet. Or maybe he was just putting on a brave face.

Peter remarked, “You’re the one who went through all this and you’re the one counseling me.” He said, “Neal, you don’t have to be the pillar of strength. It’s okay to not be okay.”

Neal replied, “I guess I’m so used to it now.” Along with compartmentalizing to survive. He had another mechanism, “I had to be strong, for them. Because they needed me. I _needed_ to protect them. To take care of them. I knew that I couldn’t break down.  I knew that I couldn’t give up because they needed me. I succeeded more times than I failed.”

Doctor Winters came in and said, “Excuse me. I’m sorry but we need to run some tests. Also the cops are going to be here soon. They want to talk to you as soon as possible.”

Neal sighed. He didn’t want to talk to cops. He just wanted to be with his family again.

Peter said, “Okay. I’ll be back later.”

The doctor asked, “Could you take the kids with you? We need Neal alone.”

Peter looked at Neal and Neal said to the kids, who had been glued to his side since they came in, “Hey, could you go with Peter for a little bit?”

Jack exclaimed, “You said after police got you we wouldn’t be apart no more!”

Doctor Winters said to them, “It won’t take long. I promise.”

“It’s okay. The doctors are going to help me get better so I can be with you guys.” He told them with a reassuring smile. They seemed uncertain.  Neal continued, “Hey, you guys hungry?”

They nodded. “How about you go with Peter and get some food.”

“Is it breakfast?” Jack asked

“Well are you hungry?” Neal asked, they nodded, “Well then it’s breakfast.” Neal said simply. The kids were confused, because Christina had them on a strict schedule that they never really deviated from before. That was all they have ever known. “Then you can come right back here. Sound good?”

They didn’t look happy but they conceded.

Doctor Winters gave Neal a full physical exam to document his injuries and collected evidence for the case. Neal had shallow and deep stab wounds on his arms, legs, and chest. A few pieced organs but the surgery stopped the bleeding and stitched the wounds. He had multiple face lacerations due to blows to the face, weight and muscle loss, immunodeficiency, old breaks and sprains that didn’t heal right, and a vitamin D deficiency.  The old breaks would probably need surgery at some point in the future. Although luckily none of the _physical_ damage was permanent. Some meds and time in the hospital would help most of his injuries. Physical therapy would help with the wounds on his arms and legs along with the muscle loss.

* * *

While Doctor Winters examined Neal, Peter came out with the kids. “Hey, El, you want to come over here for a sec?”

Elizabeth came over, “What?”

“You want to help me get them something to eat?” Peter gave her a look that said, _I’m completely out of my depth, please help._

Elizabeth understood and said, “Of course.” She looked at the kids and said, “Let’s get something to eat.”

They walked the kids down to the cafeteria.

“Where we going?” Molly asked

“To get food.” Peter replied

“Where?” Jack asked

“The cafeteria.” Peter answered. They looked confused.

“It’s a whole room just for eating.” Elizabeth told them

“Wow! Really?” They asked in unison. They were amazed that people had a whole room just for eating. Their moods perked up as soon as they saw Neal. As soon as they thought he was okay. Now they looked at the world in complete amazement. Seeing things they had never seen before.

They walked into the cafeteria and Elizabeth got them a tray. Molly and Jack looked in amazement. They had never seen so much food before. “There’s so much food here.” Molly said

“Yeah. Pick what you want.” Peter said to them

“You guys ever have pancakes?” Elizabeth asked and pointed to the tray of pancakes. They looked confused so Elizabeth said, “They’re really good. You want to try some?”

“Okay.”

“Sure.”

Elizabeth put one on each plate and they moved down the food line. They came to some fruit and Molly said to Jack, “Get some fruit Jack. So you grow up big and strong.” She then grabbed two bananas and put them on the tray next to the pancakes. Elizabeth and Peter were impressed at that. They got to a large drink display and Elizabeth asked them,

“What would you like to drink?”

Jack looked at the drinks and started reading the labels, “Milk. Water. Orange Juice.”

Peter and Elizabeth looked at each other in surprise. The doctor had told them that the kids had advanced literacy. He grabbed two milks from the shelf and put them on the tray.

“Milk makes you strong!” He said to Peter and Elizabeth. They smiled. 

After paying they sat down.

“Hey you want some syrup on your pancakes?” Elizabeth asked and held up a syrup packet. “It’s really sweet.”

They kids smiled, Molly said, “Mommy doesn’t allow us to have sweet things. She says they’re bad for us.”

Peter said, “Well some sweets here and there aren’t bad for you. Just don’t overdo it.”

They were also interested because this was the first time that they brought _her_ up.

“She doesn’t like us eating processed food.” Molly wasn’t exactly sure what processed food was, but she knew she wasn’t allowed to eat it.

“What do you eat then?” Elizabeth asked as she cut the pancakes for them.

There was a pause, Molly said, “Mostly just what she makes in garden or what animal she hunts.”

Elizabeth muttered under her breath, “At least that monster feed you two well.”

“Tell me about it.” Peter muttered back

“What?” Jack asked

“Nothing.” Peter said. “Try your pancakes.”

They tried their food and absolutely loved it.

* * *

 

When they were done Peter came back in the hospital room. “Hey.”

“Hey. Where’s Molly and Jack?”

“They’re with El. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. The doctor said that the cops should be here soon anyway.” He added in an extremely sarcastic tone, “Yay.” He did _not_ want to talk to the cops. He just wanted to be with his family again.

“You know you don’t _have_ to talk to them. You have a choice, Neal.”

“Well if I want to make sure that she never sees the light of day again then I kinda have to.” Neal replied

“Do you want me to leave? Because I can come back later.” Peter asked

“You can stay if you want.” Neal said. Peter wished that Neal would have gave him a definitive answer. He didn’t want to stay if that would make Neal uncomfortable. Peter stood there in silent confusion for a solid minute before Neal said, “You can stay.” A definitive answer made Peter feel better. He sat in the chair nearby.

The cops and the DA arrived not long after.

“Hey. I’m Lt. Benson and this is Detective Amaro.”

“I’m Rafael Barba. I’ll be prosecuting your case.”

“We have some questions for you.” Benson said

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions.” Neal remarked

“Actually the evidence and statements we’ve already collected is more than enough for the case we just need to fill in a few gaps. Verify a few things.”

“Wait what statements you’ve already collected?” Neal asked, taken aback, “Did she talk?”

“No.” Benson said, “But, we talked to Molly and Jack a few hours ago.”

“What?” Neal asked, surprised, “Why did you talk to them?”

“You were in surgery, Christina wasn’t talking, and we needed to know what happened.” Benson said, “We wanted to make sure the children weren’t hurt.”

Neal gave her a death stare and said sharply and furiously, “She. Didn’t. Hurt. Them. I made _sure_ of it.”

“I know.  We understand that you did everything you could to protect them. That’s what they said. We didn’t have much information at the time and we wanted to make sure they were alright. We were just acting in their best interest.”

Neal said furiously, _"_ No! You don’t “ _know_ ”! You don’t “ _understand_ ”!  You can’t possibly understand! You’re just saying shit!"

Benson and the others knew that this was the last thing Neal wanted to be doing. That he wanted them out of there as soon as possible. So they tried to make it as brief as possible.

“We’re here so we can understand as much as possible.” Benson replied

Amaro asked, “How did this all happened? How did it all start?”

Neal looked over at Peter and said, “I didn’t want to spend another long night in the van doing surveillance that would probably turn out to be useless. So I got you to tell me to leave by annoying you. When I got back I was about to make dinner when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and it was Christina. She was quick to pull a gun on me. I was able to get her to put it down. I was quick to notice that my phone was on the counter. I was standing too far away to get it discreetly. She soon drugged me. I tried to get to my phone,” He paused, “But by the time I had Peter’s number ready to call. It was too late. I was out.”

Peter’s heart shattered.

“Then you woke up in the cabin.” Benson said and Neal nodded.

“When we found you she was trying to kill you. She yelled about you turning the kids against her. Can you tell us about that?” Amaro asked

Neal remembered the last hours in the cabin.

_After the children went outside she continued cooking. I stay seated at the table. She starts talking while cooking, “Winter’s coming in a few months. I need to start gathering enough firewood. I think I’ll also reinforce the insulation. So the chill doesn’t get to the children. What do you think?”_

_I thought she knew by now that I only talk to her when necessary. I thought that we established that years ago. Engage enough to keep them and myself alive._

_Also, she has no idea that we’re not going to be here this winter. Hopefully. Hopefully the plan works. I think it will. It should. Maybe. Fuck I hope they can get to civilization. Literally anything. What if they can’t make it? What if I sent them to their deaths? Stop it. Stop thinking about that. But what if? There’s all sort of animals in those woods._

_Fuck those children were the only reason you’re still alive. They are only thing that gives you hope and a reason to live._

_If you die,_

_Then they’re alone with her._

_If they die,_

_Then the world ends._

_Because they are your whole world._

_Your mission since the day they were born was to protect them with the endgame of hopefully, one day, getting them to safety._

_But this was the only viable escape option. You’ve thought it through. For years. Nothing else would work._

_You’ve tried every combination by now for the damn keypad. Even getting the kids on it by turning it into a game. Look where that’s got you._

_But have you done enough to get out?_

_Stop doubting and blaming yourself. You have to remain calm._

_You know that if there was another way out you would have found it by now._

_I’m pulled from my daze when Satan’s Mistress calls my name. “Neal! I was talking to you.” I just nod. Wait. Fuck. I’m suppose to keep her busy so they have enough time to get away. “Yeah. We can’t have them getting sick.”_

_She turned to me interested, “Oh so now it’s we? You normally don’t say that. You must be in a good mood.”_

_Yeah because I’m probably getting out of this God-forsaken hellhole soon. I need to distract you. You dumbass._

_I engage her in curt conversation about her winter preparation plans. Nothing too suspicious. After a few minutes she says, “Well you’re awfully talkative tonight.” Fuck. Is she on to me? You have to remain calm. This is and will be the most important con you’ll ever run._

_Remember the good old days. When going back to prison was your biggest problem._

_Fuck that feels like it was a lifetime ago._

_I barely even remember it anymore._

_Focus damnit._

_I see her getting out plates. Fuck. “I’m going to get the kids for dinner. They’ve been outside long enough.”_

_I nod. Keep up appearances. Knowing it is only a matter of time before she realizes that they aren’t there anymore. They’re in the World._

_She puts her hands over the keypad and enters the code. As soon as the door closes I start panicking, hyperventilating. I start pacing. Praying to God that they got far enough away._

_Who am I kidding? God left me long ago._

_If he was even there to begin with._

_I feel like I’m choking. They’re almost never out of my sight. I make sure of it. I make sure they’re not alone with her. After a few minutes I know she knows. If the cabin wasn’t soundproofed I could hear her scream. Screaming their names. The names she shouldn’t have the privilege to even say. Those children are too good for her. Too pure, too innocent. At least I thought they were still innocent. Molly’s catching on. That hurts more than any emotional or physical blow that she ever could give. I tried to keep all those horrors from them but I knew it wouldn’t last forever._

_She’s probably screaming about how she’s going to kill me. It doesn’t matter now. They are away from her._

_Which was kind of the whole point._

_No. Stop it. You’ve survived this long goddamnit. You can’t die on them now. They still need you. They’re going to need you in the World. You need to continue surviving._

_For them._

_How long has it been? Minutes? Hours? Days? I don’t even know. It feels like forever since I’ve seen them._

_They are only faces other than hers that I’ve seen since that night all those years ago._

_She has to have been gone a few hours now. Probably still scouring the forest for them._

_If there is a God. Please get them out safely._

_I hear the keypad and I jump. She comes in with pure murder on her face._

_“You motherfucker.” She says. “You got them to run away. You motherfucker.”_

_It’s only a matter of time now. Hopefully the cops are on their way._

“...After she came back in she clocked me on the head. When I woke up she was on top of me with a knife.” Neal concluded his story. Telling them just the basic details of the last hours. Not his thought process.

“When CSU investigated they saw everything was bolted down and locked up.” Benson said

“That’s part of how she controlled me. She made sure she was the only one who could access the food.”

“Along with physical, sexual, and psychological assaults.” Amaro tried to clarify. He just assumed that there was psychological assaults.

“Yes.”

“CSU found the body of a older male near the cabin. Can you tell us about that?” Benson asked

Neal paused, “Shortly after Molly was born we were outside. Back when she let me outside. We heard something. It was a man, about middle aged, caucasian, brown hair, average height and weight. His name was Barry Lander. He was a hunter who heard that there was good hunting opportunities in the area, bears and such. Just an innocent guy who was at the wrong place at the wrong time and stumbled upon the wrong thing.”

“And she killed him for it.” Benson assumed

“She went into the shed and came out with a shotgun. She shot him in the head before he could leave. Left temple. I never knew what she did with his body. She said that she couldn’t let him leave, let alone live.”

They were all shocked at Neal’s statement. Benson and Amaro tried to hide it.

“She made sure that I never got outside after that.”

“Why?” Benson asked

“Because after she killed him she found a note that I had slipped him.”

“What happened after?” She asked

“She took Molly and left for I don’t know how long. Maybe a week. Maybe more.”

“And you didn’t have any access to food.” Amaro finished, Neal nodded. Peter shifted uncomfortably. He didn't think he could take much more, but he stayed.

Amaro asked, “As we understand, you told your kids that everything outside the cabin and immediate area was outer space. That there wasn’t anything else in the world. Why did you do that?”

“What was I supposed to tell them?” Neal asked, getting angry again, “That there’s a whole big world out there but you can’t have _any_ of it! And you can’t ask why!” He said, “At least then they couldn’t want things that they couldn’t have.” He added quietly, “Yet.”

Everyone looked defeated. They realized the _impossible_ position that he was put in.

“Finally, we heard that there was another child. One that didn’t make it.” Benson brought up cautiously. Prepared to drop it for the moment if he didn’t want to talk about it.

Neal was silent. Any color that was left in his face vanished. “So you know about her?”

“Yeah. We know about her.” Benson responded

“Did you find where she was buried?”

“We were wondering if you wanted us to exhume her so you could give her a proper burial.”

Neal looked at her like she was crazy, “Of course.” The last thing he wanted was for her to spend eternity up there.

“We’ll get on that.” Amaro said, “Do you want the coroner to do an autopsy? So you can have a confirmed cause of death.”

Neal asked, “Could you charge Christina with murder for her death?” They looked confused, He continued, anger seething from his voice, “She had problems the _entire_ pregnancy and _refused_ to go to a hospital or see a doctor!” He was fuming, consumed with anger, “You know _why_ she didn’t want to see a doctor?” Everyone was silent. “Because she said it could ‘raise red flags’! That the doctors might get suspicious, might ask questions!” He yelled, “My daughter _died_ because of her!” There was a table next to the bed with a pitcher and cup of water. He pushed them off the table in anger. Splattering water everywhere. "She  _died_ because that fucking bitch was afraid of getting caught!"

Barba finally spoke up and said, “We might be able to get her on negligent homicide. If I can prove that her actions during the pregnancy led to the stillbirth. Even then it’s not a sure thing. We have _way_ more pull with the other charges that are easily proven.”

“Oh. So you won’t charge her with that because it’s not _easy_ for you?” Neal asked, still fuming with anger.

Barba saw the hurt and anger in his eyes, “I will. I’ll do my best.”

“Thank you.” Neal said, starting to calm down. “So you said she didn’t talk.” He said, changing the topic.

Benson, Amaro, and Barba subtly looked at each other. Wondering how much to tell him.

“What happened?” He asked

“I offered her a deal but despite strong urging she would not take it.” Barba informed, Neal let out an exasperated sigh. “She was arraigned this morning. I just came from there. To literally no one’s surprise she was denied bail. The judge didn’t even want to hear about it.”

Neal sighed, “So she wants to go to trial. I’ll have to testify.”

“She _will_ lose, Neal.” Barba assured, “She’s going away for the rest of her life.”

All Neal could think was, ‘ _Fuck I hope so.’_

Then a courier came in and said, “Neal Caffrey?”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve been served.” He said as he gave him an envelope and left. Everyone was confused. Neal opened the envelope and started reading the papers.

“No no no no no no no. She can’t do this no.” He said with a look of pure fear and panic on his face.

“What?” Peter asked

Neal looked at him in disbelief, “She’s suing me for visitation of Molly and Jack.”

“What!?” Peter exclaimed, he looked over at Barba and said, “She can’t do this.”

“Actually, she can.” Barba sadly explained, “In 31 states there are either thin laws or none at all protecting children born under assault.. New York is one of them. There’s no laws on the books.  Also she has not yet been convicted of anything.”

“This is bullshit!” Peter yelled

“Does she have a case?” Neal asked, still in shock

“Other than being the biological mother, no. She doesn’t have anything.” Barba said. Although he knew that her winning limited supervised visitation was a possibility. The rights of the biological mother were normally held up in court. Courts don’t tend to completely take a parent of a child’s life. Believing it is best to have two parents. Also noncustodial parents normally have the right to visitation. No matter the circumstances. He had seen rapists get visitation of their biological children before. 

It made his blood boil.

He still couldn’t believe that this legal loophole still existed.

“Don’t worry. We can fight this. You’re going to need a family attorney. I’ll get you the best one I know.” Barba assured. Neal still looked so damn fearful.

“What if she wins?” He asked

“She won’t. We’ll make sure.” Barba reassured

“If she wins. Even though they got out. Away from her. It will be for nothing. Because we _still_ won’t be away from her.”

Peter reassured, “Hey. We’re gonna fight this. She won’t win.”

After they left he sat alone in shock. He started crying, which quickly turned to sobs.

 _'I thought that once we got out it would be over.’_ He thought over and over again.

It wasn’t over. It was far from over. She was intent on torturing him, still.

Doctor Winters came in with a nurse, “Hey. I’m just here to check on you and she’s here to change some of the dressings. That okay?”

Neal took a deep breath and dried the tears from his face. “Yeah, sure.”

As the nurse tended to his bandages the doctor said, “In the coming days we can develop a care plan going forward for you and the kids. Getting them vaccinated, assessed further. Getting psychiatric care for the three of you.”

“What do you mean ‘assessed further’?”

“We didn’t know what happened so when you and them were brought in I did an evaluation on them.” He then went on to tell Neal what he told Peter earlier about what problems the kids could have going forward. Neal sat there in defeated shock.

He put his head in his hands and said, “I thought they were alright. Or as alright as they could be. I tried. I did what I could.”

Doctor Winters reassured him, “I know you did. They’re young, bright, and happy. With some help I see no reason why they won’t be like any other kid.”

That made Neal feel better. He asked, “What about me?”

“You’ll get there. Just give it some time.” He responded

* * *

 

Soon after the doctor left Mozzie came in with the kids. He smiled ear to ear when he saw Neal. “I saw these guys in the hall and I figured you’d want them back.” He said with a smile.

Neal smiled. The kids ran and jumped back on the bed to be on either side of him. Mozzie gave Neal a hug. As Mozzie sat down he said with a smile, “It’s so good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too, Moz.”

They sat in silence for a few moments. Mozzie finally spoke up, “I know it seems like it to you, but we _never_ deserted you. We _never_ forgot about you. We _never_ stopped searching for you.” He paused for a moment, “For whatever it’s worth. You needed to know that.”

Neal nodded. He looked down at his kids. He said, “We’re out now. That’s all that matters.”

He held his kids close.

Some time later while they were talking the nurse brought some lunch in for the kids and Neal. Mozzie moved some things off the little table next to the bed. He picked up the bunch of papers and was curious as to what they were. The nurse left and Mozzie looked at the papers.

“You’ve _got_ to be _fucking kidding_ me?!” He said as he looked up from them.

Neal looked up at him and, knowing he was looking at the lawsuit papers, said sadly, “Yep.”

“How?!”

“Legal loophole.” Neal responded

“This is bullshit!” Mozzie exclaimed and threw the papers on the ground.

The kids looked concerned with the severe mood shift, but Neal distracted them with the food.

“Yeah. It is. She refused to take a deal too. She is intent on going to trial.” Neal informed

Mozzie said in shock, “She’s not going down without a fight.”

Neal looked at him and said seriously, “Yeah, well neither am I.”

Mozzie smiled. Hoping that maybe, just perhaps, at least part of the Neal he knew was still in there. Somewhere.

Molly then said, “Daddy. I have a question.”

“What?”

“Do we have to see Mommy again?”

Mozzie looked over interested. Neal simply asked, “Do you want to?”

“No. We don’t.” Molly said ademiently

Neal responded with a smile,  “Then you never have to ever again.”

He thought, ‘ _Fuck I hope that’s the truth._ ’

“Will she find us?” Jack asked

“No. She’ll _never_ find us. She’s far away now.” Neal responded and gave them a hug.

Then Mozzie’s phone rang. The kids jumped at the unknown sound.  “Excuse me just a second.” He said and excused himself. “Yeah.”

“It was easy enough to find out. She’s at Rikers. You want me to send someone to do it or do you know someone that can do the job?”

“I know someone there. She’ll be more than happy to do the job. She can get it done in the next 48 hours max.” Mozzie said

“Just let me know who and I’ll tell them their job.”

* * *

About a day or so later

Christina walked into the prison’s bathroom to take a shower. She thought it was weird that no one else was there, but she enjoyed her peaceful shower. As she turned it off she heard footsteps behind her.

“Mendoza!” She heard someone call her last name. Christina wrapped her white towel around her and stepped out of the grungy shower stall.

“What do you want?” She said, not in the mood for anyone’s bullshit.

Christina quickly noticed the shiv in the woman’s hand. Her immediate thought was, ‘ _Ooooh shit.’_

The woman was young and had brown hair with light highlights tied back with a hair tie. She had a look of pure hatred and murder on her face. Christina did not know she was an old friend of Neal’s, Alex Hunter.

Alex looked her straight in the eyes and said, “This is for Neal Caffrey.” and plunged the shiv into Christina’s stomach. “One.” She counted.

She plunged it in again, “Two.”

She plunged the shiv into her lung, “Three.”

Alex said while still looking her in the eyes, “I knew him. Neal’s a good man, with a good heart. He didn’t deserve this.”

Christina had fallen to her knees, blood starting to spew from her mouth. “I gave him a new life. I bore him the children that he loves so much.” Christina said. “He should _never_ forget where he got them.”

Alex never lost eye contact with her, “You _destroyed_ his life. And the lives of everyone who cares about him.” She plunged the shiv into her other lung, “Four.” She counted,

“He’ll _never_ be the same! He’s going to spend the rest of his life recovering from what you did to him!”

Alex stabbed lower, below the pelvis, intentionally hitting the uterus, “Five.” She plunged it in again, “Six.”

She plunged it in one final time, “Seven.”

Alex kicked her down making her fall from her knees. Losing eye contact for the first time. Christina coughed up some blood from the wounds to her lungs and stomach.

She looked up and asked between wet bloody coughs and heavy breaths, “Who sent you?”

Alex looked down in the eyes again, “Someone who wants to ensure that justice is served. I want justice as well. This is the only way to get it.” She added, “If those children are lucky they’ll forget that you ever existed." She paused for a moment, "You’re a monster.” She walked away.

Leaving Christina to bleed out on the prison’s grungy bathroom floor. Her once white towel now soaked in her own blood.

Christina slowly and very painfully bled out a few minutes later.

 

Alex walked over the where the phones were. She dialed a number, when the other person picked up she said, “It’s done.”

“Good.”

“The cops should be alerted soon.”

“Good. Do you think you’ll get caught?”

“No, but if I do I won’t mind. I’d be going down for a good cause. A just cause.”

“Thank you, for doing this.”

“No problem, Moz.” Alex said, “I’m glad I could help him.”

“You’ve helped more than you know.”

“I’m glad that she can’t hurt him or those kids anymore. That he won’t have to suffer through a trial.”

“Bye, Alex.”

“Bye, Moz.” She hung up the payphone and walked away.


	4. The Beginnings of Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Neal's escape continues.

Olivia Benson walked out of her office and into the squadroom.

“I just got a call from Rikers. Christina was shived in the showers.”

The news surprised no one.

“Well she had it coming.” Finn said

“Do they know who did it?” Rollins asked

“No. They don’t. The cameras near the bathroom where she was found were out of order.” Benson informed

“This can’t be a coincidence.” Amaro commented

“It isn’t.” Benson said, “We’ve been silent about this case to the media so the only way someone in Rikers could have found out is if someone told them.”

“Or they just found out what she was in for.” Rollins suggested

“Doubtful. She was stabbed seven times. Neal was held for seven years. Three of the stab wounds were to her uterus. She birthed three children. She used her sex as a weapon. She was killed shortly after the arraignment and after the visitation suit was filed. There is _no way_ that this _isn’t_ personally motivated.”

“If we find out who did this we should send them a fruit basket. They deserve it.” Amaro said

“Okay.” Benson said with a sigh, “ _No one_ is sad that she’s dead. She did deserve it, but we’re cops and this is our job. The law has a thing against vigilante justice.”

“So who are we looking at for the murder?” Amaro asked

“Someone who knows someone in Rikers. Which sadly fits both Agent Burke and Neal’s friend, Mozzie.” Benson informed, “Agent Peter Burke has been a respected FBI agent for most of his life. Although when it comes to Neal his judgement can get skewed. He does know guards in Rikers along with Neal and Mozzie being his ties to the criminal underworld. All we know about Mozzie is that he’s a life long con. We can assume that he most definitely knows people in Rikers.”

“So we can assume that one of them ordered the hit. The other might know about it but neither are _ever_ going to flip on each other. Oh well, next case.” Amaro said

Benson sighed, “As much as I would _love_ to ignore this we can’t. We have to work the leads. It’s our job.”

“Well our job sucks sometimes.” Finn commented

“Yes it does.” Benson said in agreement, “Amaro come with me to the hospital. We have to tell Neal and talk to Agent Burke and Mozzie.”

* * *

They arrived at the hospital and went into Neal’s room. The kids were taking a nap and Neal and Peter were talking.

“Hey. Now a good time?” Benson asked as she and Amaro stood in the doorway.

“Yeah. What’s new?” Neal asked

“I got a call that Christina was killed in Rikers today.” Benson informed. Neal looked at her in suspicious disbelief. Wondering if this was really true.

“She’s dead?” He asked

“Yes. Very much so.” Amaro said

“How?” He asked

“She was stabbed which caused her to bleed out.” Benson informed

“Was it painful?” Neal asked

They thought about what they were going to say for a moment, “They’re doing the autopsy soon, but we presume so. Probably very painful.”

“Good.” Neal said satisfied, “She can never hurt us ever again.”

Benson asked Peter, “Agent Burke, we can speak outside for a moment?”

“Sure.”

The two walked out of the room and Peter asked, “What’s wrong?”

Benson said, “Something we find interesting about the case is _how_ Christina was murdered.” She paused for a moment before saying, “She was stabbed seven times. He was held for seven years. She was stabbed three times in the uterus. She birthed three children. Along with the timing of it all, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that was personally motivated.” Peter was silent, “There is no way someone in Rikers would have known those details about the case unless someone told them. Someone with a connection to Rikers and a motive to have her killed.”

Peter caught on and seriously asked, “What are you implying, Lieutenant?”

Benson responded, “Neal’s been through enough. I _don’t_ want to have to arrest you Agent Burke, or Mozzie. But if I have to.” She continued changing her tone, “Although we don’t have much to go on. If we don’t get a new lead soon we’ll have to call it cold.”

Peter noticed an undertone in her voice. Something that he remembered from working with Neal. If you did something illegal pray I don’t find out.

He responded with the truth, “I didn’t do it nor do I know who did, but I’m fucking thrilled that she’s dead. I know I’m not alone in that.” Benson was about to leave when Peter added, “Let me know if you catch them. So I know who to thank.”

As the cops left Mozzie came by with coffees. He handed one to Peter and asked, “What did they want?”

“Someone had Christina shived in Rikers. She bled out. It was probably very painful.”

Mozzie nodded and said, “She deserved it. Do they know who did it?”

“No, but they suspect it was one of us.”

“Motive, means, opportunity. Makes sense.” Mozzie said, “ But we wouldn’t go to that level would we.”

“Of course not.” Peter said, going with what Mozzie was saying. Peter knew that he didn’t put the hit on her. He wanted to though. No doubt about it. He knew that Mozzie must have done it. He looked at Mozzie and sincerely said, “Thank you. He needed this. They needed this. She wasn’t going to stop. Ever. This was the only option.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Suit.” Mozzie feigned innocence. Even though he knew that Peter knew. Peter slightly smiled.

* * *

 

A nurse came into Neal’s room holding something and said, “Someone left this for you.” She handed him an origami crane. He recognized the significance immediately. He noticed on the inside were the words, _you’re welcome._

He smiled, because he knew that he had people watching his back, protecting him. It was refreshing from constantly having to be on guard all those years.

Mozzie came into his room. Neal reached over a sleeping child on his side and picked up the visitation suit papers and said with a smile, “I don’t have to worry about this anymore.”  He ripped the papers into tiny pieces and tossed it in a nearby trashcan.

“So you’ve heard?”

“Yeah.”

“All that matters is that she’s dead. So it’s over.” Mozzie reassured, “She can’t do anything anymore.”

Neal knew that Mozzie must have ordered a hit on her. If he remembered his friend correctly, this is something he would do.

Because he protects his family.

Neal knew that Mozzie must have gotten in touch with Alex who must be in prison or someone who knew her to execute a hit.

Even though he couldn’t express his gratefulness completely.

Because for the first time in seven years he felt a small sense of _safety._

Neal muttered, “For the first time in _so long_ I am finally _free.”_ Mozzie smiled and Neal simply said, “Thank you.”

Mozzie was quiet. He knew that Neal must have put it together. Since it was just them and the sleeping children Mozzie quietly said, “You’re welcome.”

* * *

 

Olivia came into the squad room and asked, “Anything on the Mendoza murder?”

“We’ve gone through the inmates at Rikers who are capable of murder.” Rollins started to explain, “The list is about a mile long.”

“What about inmates or guards that know Neal, Peter, or Mozzie?” Olivia suggested

“We have a few confirmed connections but _no one’s_ talking.” Rollins said

“Even if we find who executed the hit. I _know_ they won’t tell us who ordered it.” Amaro said

“And there’s _no chance_ that Mozzie and Peter are going to flip on each other.” Rollins said

“So we’re at a standstill.” Benson responded. The others nodded. “Well people can’t say that we didn’t try to pursue the case.”

“So we drop it?” Amaro asked

“Until another lead comes up or someone decides to talk. Yeah.” Benson responded

“At least Neal doesn’t have to go through a trial now.” Rollins added

“I think that was the point. At least part of it.” Amaro responded

“Whoever did this was just trying to spare Neal and those kids more pain.” Benson said. From an emotional perspective, she completely understood why someone ordered the hit. Although that didn’t make it legal. She was just glad that they didn’t have the evidence to arrest anyone. Neal couldn’t afford to lose anything else.

* * *

 

Doctor Winters came into the room, “How we all doing this morning?”

“Alright.” Neal responded

“Good. A nurse is going to come in soon to give you more antibiotics and pain meds. Along with changing the bandages.”

“Do you think I could take the kids outside today? Get some fresh air.”

Doctor Winters thought for a second then said, “You have a good amount of antibiotics in you. We have a courtyard so the kids see be outside but not completely overwhelmed by the city but still be outside. It’s a very nice day out. I don’t see why not. We can have that arranged for this afternoon.”

“Thank you.” Neal replied

After the nurse came and left Peter came in.

“Hey.” Neal greeted

“Hey.” Peter greeted back, “How are you doing?”

“Alright.” Neal responded. Peter wondered if he was _really_ doing alright. Or if he was just saying that.

Peter sat down. Neither knew what to say. Peter was just happy to be with Neal again.

Then Jack stirred and woke up.

“Hey, buddy.” Neal said

“I’m hungry.” He said

“I’ll tell the nurse and she can bring you something.” Neal told him

Jack exclaimed, “It’s amazing how in World you can get food by magic!” Neal and Peter smiled, “Should I wake up Molly for breakfast?”

Neal replied, “Let her sleep. She can have some when she wakes up.”

“So we can eat whenever we want? Not at the same time every day?” Jack asked

“Yeah. Whenever you want.” Neal replied

Jack looked confused, “Okay.” He said with a smile. At the cabin they were not free to eat whenever they wanted. It was when Christina put a meal on the table three times a day.

* * *

 

That afternoon Neal and the kids were going to go outside. Doctor Winters came in and said, “Before you go outside I have some things.” He said as she pulled things from his pockets, “Some sunscreen, their skin isn’t use to so much sun. I know you don’t want them getting burnt. Sunglasses, incase it gets too bright, since your eyes aren’t use to so much sunlight. Finally face masks, since they’re a lot of germs that your immune systems aren’t used to.”

“You know they have been outside before.” Neal informed, slightly irritated

“We know. We’re just being cautious.” Doctor Winters said, “We also would like to vaccinate them before they go outside.”

“Of course.” Neal replied

“I’ll be back in a moment.” Doctor Winters left for a few minutes and came back with a nurse and a small tray.

“Hey Molly, Jack. I’ve got something for you.” Doctor Winters told them, they looked interested

“What?”

“It’s a magic patch.” He put them on their arms and then brought the tray of syringes over. “The magic patch will make the needles not hurt. You won’t feel a single thing. The shots are to make sure that you don’t get any bad diseases.” He said to Neal, “I’m so sorry but Molly needs six and Jack needs five.”

“Nope!” Molly exclaimed and her and Jack hugged tightly.

“Can you be really brave and do it?” Neal asked them. They thought for a moment. “Please.”

“Okay.” Molly conceded. They held hands as the doctor gave them the shots. They still cried a little and Neal gave them hugs afterwards. The doctor gave them each a lollipop. Which cheered them up a little bit.

The nurse brought in a wheelchair and said, “We’re ready when you are.”

“That for me?” Neal asked

“Yes, we don’t want you accidentally ripping your stitches. It will also be easier to keep you on the ivs.” Doctor Winters explained

“I’ll be fine.” Neal insisted, waving them off

“I _strongly_ advise that you do this.” Doctor Winters insisted

Neal sighed “Fine.”

 

They went through some hallways, took an elevator, and walked through some more hallways to get to the hospital's courtyard. The kids were bouncing off walls, they were pretty excited to go play. They walked outside and Neal immediately took a deep inhale of the warm September air.

It was the first time Neal had been outside over half a decade.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining. There was not a cloud in the sky. It was warm and breezy. When Neal got into the sunlight he looked up and tears filled his eyes.

It was the first time in years that he saw the sun.

The kids immediately started running around in awe at all the sights of the city. Neal just sat in the sun and watched them, with tears in his eyes, smiling ear to ear.

He listened to the sounds of the city. He had forgotten what New York sounded like. What civilization sounded like.

He kept telling himself that they weren’t alone anymore. They weren’t in danger anymore. Because for the first time in seven years Neal had people watching his back.

He heard a distant, “Hey, Neal!” He knew it was Peter.

He walked up to Neal and said, “The nurse told me that you guys were down here.”

“Yeah.” Neal said, looking towards his kids.

“They seem to be enjoying it.” Peter commented and sat down in the chair next to Neal’s wheelchair.

“Yeah.” Peter noticed that Neal’s voice sounded distant, “What if I had the opportunity to escape earlier.” Neal wondered. Peter was about to say something but Neal said, “Maybe if I could have somehow gotten them out earlier they would have been better off. Less likely to remember. Better off physically, emotionally, developmentally.”

“You got them out. You all survived. You’re all safe now. She can’t do anything now. That’s all that matters.” Peter replied, “The doctor even said they will probably forget anyway.”

Neal was still not looking at him. He was still looking towards his kids when he opened up to Peter, “You know. I had a way out if I really wanted to.” Peter turned curious, Neal continued, “The shower rod was bolted into the wall. It wasn’t going anywhere.” Neal paused, Peter thought he knew where Neal was going with this, “All I had to do was bring in the bed sheet when she wasn’t there and wrap it around the rod. It would have all been over shortly. I would have been out. Free. As I understand it’s only uncomfortable for a few seconds then you’re gone. That’s if you don’t do it right.”

Peter sat next to him in pure shock. Completely speechless. His first assumption was right.

Neal continued, “But I didn’t. Even though there were times where I really thought about it. Because I knew that I couldn’t. Because then they’d be alone with her. Which defeated the point of me protecting them. I also knew that there was not a chance in hell that they would _ever_ get out if they were left alone with her.”

Neal paused for another moment, “They’re always so happy. They were always happy kids. Because they didn’t know the evil around them. I tried to keep it from them. I ensured that they stayed happy innocent kids. Oblivious to the situation they were born into by no choice of their own or mine. But I knew I could only do it so long. They reminded me that life, as dismissal as it was, was still worth living. I couldn’t give up. I couldn’t surrender. I had to keep fighting. Because I have them. They needed me.”

Peter was speechless.

Although he was glad that Neal had someone else to talk to during his ordeal. Another face to see. Another voice to hear. Someone that wasn’t his abuser. Because at least he was not completely alone. He understood the children gave him a reason to live. To survive. When he didn’t think he had a reason.

Neal changed topics and said, “I’ve been wondering if she would have been happy, just like her siblings. Would she have been as smart? What would her interests be? What would she look like growing up? Because of _her_ I’ll never know.”

Peter knew who he was talking about. Neal’s baby girl that was stillborn just over a week ago. He couldn’t even imagine what Neal was going through.

“If she just would have held on just a little bit longer. She would have been free. She wouldn’t have known that existence.” He sighed and said, “I told the cops that when they found her to cremate her. They said they’ll be delivering the ashes today.”

Then the kids ran over and Jack exclaimed, “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Have you seen all the buildings! There’s zillions!”

Neal smiled and said, “Yeah. That’s what cities are.”

“There’s so many people!” Molly exclaimed, “It’s so cool! I didn’t know so many people could fit in the World! It’s so big!  It’s amazing!”

Neal and Peter smiled. Neal held back tears. Molly and Jack played for awhile more before they all went inside.

* * *

 

The doctors wanted Neal to stay in the hospital a while before they released him. Enough time for his wounds to heal and their immunities increase. The doctors got them started on psychiatric care a few times a week.

About two weeks after the escape Peter came into see them. Peter had been in everyday. Elizabeth was there most days and Mozzie came by at least once a day. June came by a few times and Jones and Diana came by before.

“Hey everyone!” Peter greeted as he entered the room

The kids got up from where they were sitting next to Neal and went to hug him. “Hi, Uncle Peter!” They exclaimed

They started calling him that lately, along with Aunty El and Uncle Mozzie.

“How are you doing today?” Peter asked

“The doctor’s talking about having me discharged soon so I’m pretty great.” Neal responded

“What does discharged mean?” Molly asked while her and Jack returned to where they were sitting.

“That means we’ll leave here soon because I’ll be better.” Neal explained

Molly thought for a second then asked, “If we’re not going back to Cabin there where will we live?”

Neal hadn’t thought about that yet. He had been so focused the last years with just surviving minute to minute. He had never thought long term. He had yet to shake that mindset. Peter was about to say something when Molly said, “What about your house on top of the other house.”

Neal thought for a second and said, “My old apartment? As I recall it’s quite small. I don’t think we’d all fit.”

Jack responded, “We all fit in Cabin just fine. And there was four of us not three.”

Peter noticed that Neal was trying to hid how that comment made him just die inside.

Peter then said, “That’s easily solved.” Neal looked at him curiously, “You can stay with El and me.”

“Oh Peter I wouldn’t want to put you two out like that.” Neal insisted

“No no no. We’d love to have you guys.”

“We can get a place.”

Peter said to the kids, “Hey guys. Do you like dogs?” The kids started bouncing with excitement. Neal sighed and hung his head in defeat. “We got two dogs at home. One’s a puppy.”

“Well you know how to sway kids.” Neal commented and Peter smiled

“Please Daddy!”

“Please!”

“Pleeeeeeeasssseee!”

“Alright. We’ll stay for a little while. We don’t want to overstay our welcome.” Neal said and the kids rejoiced.

“You could never.” Peter said still smiling, “Stay as long as you want.” Peter would like it if they never left.

The next day Doctor Winters signed the release forms. Peter and Elizabeth picked Neal and the kids up from the hospital and took them to their place. The kids looked out the car window in amazement. Amazed at all the people, cars, and buildings. Neal was worried it would overwhelm them. The kids were getting use to all the sights. They’ve spent a lot of time looking out the windows of the hospital room and playing in the courtyard over the city.

They soon reached Peter and Elizabeth’s house. Peter parked the car and they all got out. Neal commented, “You still live in the same house.”

“Yep.” Elizabeth responded

“We had to stay.” Peter commented and left it at that. He couldn’t handle leaving. Because it would be a sign of moving on from Neal. Peter couldn’t ‘move-on’. He never could or would. If Neal ever came back Peter wanted to be there. He was glad that he was.

They walked in the door and the dogs greeted them with delight.

“Calm down guys.” Elizabeth told the dogs. The kids backed up in hesitation.

“They’re not going to hurt you. They’re just excited to see you.” Neal explained

Elizabeth grabbed the dogs’ collars to hold them back. Neal knelt down and scratched the yellow labs behind their floppy ears.

Elizabeth introduced Molly and Jack to the dogs, “This is Ruth and Satchmo.”

Neal asked, “You still have Satch?”

“Yeah. Not as active but still his old self.” Peter commented and rubbed behind Satchmo’s ears.

“Also, Babe Ruth.” Neal commented with a smile

“El named the first one so I got to name the second one.”

“And of course you’d name them after a baseball player.” That made Peter chuckle

“Make yourselves comfortable. Do you want anything?” Elizabeth asked

“I’m fine.” Neal said, “Kids, do you want anything to eat or drink?”

Molly looked at Jack and said, “No thank you.” Peter and Elizabeth smiled. They noticed over the past two weeks that the kids were very well mannered. Neal sat down in the couch. He just near collapsed. He looked around, the house was just how he remembered it.

After so many years. So much hardship. Years of thinking that escape was impossible.

Neal was finally _home_.


	5. Lights Will Guide You Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal goes through the ups and downs of recovery while learning the effect his disappearance had on the people he loves the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that it's been so long. I'll try to be better. These chapters are normally much longer than what I normally write. Title comes from Fix You by; Coldplay.
> 
> Also, I've been wanting someone to beta my chapters, and mostly to bounce ideas off of. This is mainly for other fics I have. 
> 
> If you're interested please let me know.
> 
> Also this series has reached over 100,000 words. So yey me!

Shortly after Neal came home.

Peter was in the backyard playing catch with Molly and Jack.

Peter asked, “Is your Dad going to come down?” He hadn’t seen Neal since the previous night when he went to bed.

Jack responded, “We tried to get him, but he’s Gone.”

“What do you mean gone? Where did he go?” Peter was confused as to what they meant.

“No, he’s Gone.” Jack replied. Peter was still confused.

“When he sleeps all day and doesn’t wake up.” Molly informed

“Is this new?” Peter asked. He knew that Neal had been sleeping a lot since he came home, but not all day.

“No. It happened in Cabin too.” Jack said more interested in the game of than the conversation. Peter nodded. If he had to go through the Ninth Circle of Hell he wouldn’t want to wake up either.

“Mommy didn’t like it when it happened.” Molly said

Peter didn’t want to ask but he had to, “What would she do?”

“She’d yell at him.” Molly said, also more focused on their game of catch then what they were talking about, “She’d call him mean names.”

Peter bit his tongue, trying to keep a neutral expression.

“We’ll just let him sleep then.” Peter said

“We were suppose to go to the Spy Museum with Uncle Mozzie and Daddy today.” Jack said, “Will we?”

“He can still take you. I’m sure your Dad would be okay with it. He can take you another time.”

Just then Mozzie came through the back door. “You guys ready to go to the museum?”

“Yeah!” They exclaimed

“Where’s Neal? Is he coming?” Mozzie asked, Peter subtly shook his head, “That’s okay. Just one day at a time. Don’t push him.” Mozzie took the kids and headed out but before Jack said,

“Can Uncle Peter come?”

“If he wants to.” Mozzie said with a shrug

Peter looked at Mozzie and said, “I was going to go to a meeting.”

“It’s okay. I’ve got them. We’ll see you later.” Mozzie responded and they left.

* * *

 

Neal was still lying in bed, half asleep. He just couldn’t get himself up that day. He rolled over and looked at the bottle of pain pills on the nightstand that the doctor gave him for the sprains and breaks that didn’t heal right. He would need surgery in the future.

He grabbed the bottle and sat up in bed.

 _‘You can’t do this.’_ He thought.

‘ _No. You can. They’re safe now. They’re better off without you anyway.’_

He poured out a handful into his hand and studied them.

‘ _It’s odd how they have pills for physical pain but not for psychological pain.’_

He stared at the handful of pills for what seemed like an eternity.

All of a sudden he heard footsteps charging up the stairs. He hurriedly put the pills back and the bottle back on the nightstand.

The kids charged in and jumped on the bed. When Mozzie entered it seemed like he was interrupting something. He heard pills clacking against a bottle when he entered and Neal putting the bottle on the nightstand.

“Hey Daddy!” They greeted. Neal gave them hugs.

“Hey.”

“Uncle Mozzie took us to the Spy Museum!” Molly exclaimed

“You need to come next time!” Jack declared

“Yeah!” Molly agreed

Neal smiled, “Yeah. Next time.”

He now  knew for certain there was going to be a next time for him.

Because their _had_ to be.

Mozzie was standing nearby. “I’m sorry they really wanted to see you when they got home.” Apologizing for disturbing his sleep.

“It’s okay. I needed to see them.”

“How are you doing? Honestly.” Mozzie asked seriously. Hoping he’d get an honest answer.

“I’ll get through it.” Neal responded. Mozzie didn’t know whether to believe it or not.

Mozzie looked at Molly and Jack and said, “Hey, how about you go play with Ruth and Satchmo for while. Okay?”

“Okay.” Molly said and led Jack from the room.

“I saw you putting your pain pills back. You don’t take those in the afternoon.” Mozzie confronted.

“I was seeing how many I had left.” Neal lied

Mozzie intensely stared at him and said, “Don’t bullshit me, Neal.” His voice turned from stern to soft when he said,  “We _can’t_ lose you... _again_. Not again. Those kids were born having only one parent. And they can’t afford to lose him.”

There was a silence between them.

“I didn’t do anything.” Neal admitted

“I know.” Mozzie responded, “If you did you’d already be in an ambulance.”

Then Peter entered the room, “Hey, the kids told me that you guys were up here. Everything okay?”

Neal looked at Mozzie and said, “Yeah.”

Mozzie left and Peter asked, “It seemed like something was going on between you two. Want to tell me about it?”

“I was looking at something and considering something and Mozzie caught me.”

Peter was quiet for a moment then asked, “You want to tell me what that something was?”

Neal was silent. Peter saw the pill bottle and came to the realization. He said a serious yet exaggerated, “ _Neal.”_

“I didn’t do anything.”

“Would you? Answer honestly.” Peter said seriously

There was silence. Neal finally responded, “No. Because there are so many reasons why I can’t.” Peter breathed a sigh of relief. Neal didn’t tell Peter that didn’t mean that he didn’t want to.

“You’re right.” Peter responded, “Too many people love you. Need you.”

“I know.”

“If you’re _ever_ feeling like that again. _Please, please, please_ tell someone. Please.”

“I hope I don’t have to.” Neal honestly responded.

Peter liked that answer.

* * *

 

Peter soon came downstairs where Elizabeth was cooking and the kids were playing with the dogs.

“What’s you making?” He asked her

“Just checked on the chicken in the oven. It’s almost ready. How was your day?”

“It was fine. Went to a meeting.”

“Oh how was that?”

“Oh you know.”

Elizabeth nodded, “How’s Neal?”

“Just barely hanging on.” Peter admitted

Elizabeth nodded again, “How have you been doing? It’s not been easy years for you either.” She asked, “Have you talked to Dave?”

“I’m fine and Dave and I had lunch the other day. We’ve talked some since then.”

“Good. Neal needs you. _All_ of you.”

“I know.”

“Have you told him yet?” Elizabeth asked

Peter sighed, “No, I haven’t.” Elizabeth was surprised

“You need to tell him.”

“I will. When he’s doing better.” Elizabeth looked uncertain. “He’ll get better.” Peter didn’t know who he was trying to convince. Elizabeth or himself.

“Are you sure he can come back from this?” Elizabeth asked uncertain

“He’s Neal. He’ll get better.” Peter said, trying to convince himself

Elizabeth gave her husband a hug and said, “We all want him to get better. But he’s just been through so much. I don’t know how much he’ll recover. He’ll never be the man that we knew.”

Peter had to believe that the Neal would get better. He was well aware that Neal was just a broken shell of who he was.

He wondered if there was anything old left.

But he knew that broken was better than dead.

Because you can fix what’s broken.

**_Right?_ **

Elizabeth’s phone rang. She checked it and it was a client, “Can you keep an eye on the chicken while I take this?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks.” Elizabeth walked outside to take the call.

Peter checked on the chicken and assumed it needed a few more minutes. He went over to check on the kids who were playing tug of war with Ruth and one her toys. Peter watched them blissfully play with the dog and he lost track of time. Elizabeth came back in about twenty minutes later and checked the chicken. It was burnt.

“Dammit, Peter!” Elizabeth raised with a sigh and a slightly raised voice

Peter got up from the couch and walked over to the kitchen. “What?”

“I told you to keep an eye on the chicken and it burned!” Elizabeth said aggravated with a raised voice.

“I’m sorry I forgot.”

Elizabeth sighed and said in the same tone, “Of course you did!” She put the chicken on the counter and started to think of ways to save it. Peter turned to go back to the couch and leave Elizabeth to do her work when he noticed Molly and Jack hugging each other looking terrified. It reminded him of the day he met them. “El.” He said

“What?” She turned

“Look.” He said and slightly nodded over to the children. She looked and got confused.

They walked over. When they got to where the kids were in the living room Elizabeth knelt down and gently asked, “What’s wrong?”

“We don’t like yelling.” Molly said. Peter and Elizabeth immediately knew why.

“Mommy would yell at Daddy.” Jack said

“Is Uncle Peter going to be okay?” Molly asked

Peter and Elizabeth looked confused, Molly continued, “Because when Mommy would yell at Daddy, he would sometimes get hurt after.”

Peter and Elizabeth were in shock.

They quickly remembered that before this the children had never seen a real and healthy relationship between adults before.

All they have ever seen before was abuse.

“Of course he’s going to be okay. I just got a tiny bit mad. It means _nothing_. We love each other so much.”

“She’s right.” Peter confirmed

“Sometimes adults fight or get mad but that it _never_ means anything. And _no one ever_ gets hurt by it.” Elizabeth explained.

“You understand. She would _never_ hurt me. I would _never_ hurt her.”

“That’s just something Mommy did because she was a meanie who stole Daddy.” Molly said, trying to clarify.

Peter and Elizabeth nodded. Elizabeth said, “Yeah. You’re right.” She paused then said, “You want to help me set the table for dinner?”

“Yeah!” They exclaimed

So Elizabeth took the kids into the kitchen and started handing them things to put on the table. The kids started putting the plates near each chair and silverware next to the plates without prompting.

Elizabeth saw and said, “You’re doing a good job. Have you set a table before?”

“Yeah. In Cabin.” Jack responded while putting a plate on the table.

“Is Daddy eating with us?” Molly asked

Elizabeth and Peter, who was standing nearby, got confused. Elizabeth asked, “Of course. Why would you ask something like that?”

“Because sometimes Mommy said that Daddy wasn’t eating with us.” Jack said

“It was normally after she yelled at him.” Molly added

Peter and Elizabeth tried, yet slightly failed, to hide their shock and horror.

“How long would this go on?” Peter asked

Molly shrugged, “Depends. Sometimes a few meals. Sometimes longer.”

 _‘If only I could have a few minutes alone with her.’_ Peter thought. Peter was a highly skilled and highly experienced FBI agent. He studied at Quantico.

He knew how to fuck people up.

“Dinner’s just about ready how about you go get him.” Elizabeth said to Peter.

“Alright.” So Peter walked upstairs and saw Neal back asleep. Peter didn’t really want to bother him, but he knew that Neal hadn’t eaten that day and Peter couldn’t handle that.

Even though Neal was seemingly use to it.

He gently shook him on his shoulder above the big comforter. Careful not to startle him. “Neal. Wake up.” He gently prodded

Neal groaned and opened his eyes.  

“Dinner’s ready. Want some?” Peter asked in a soft voice

Neal sleepy replied, “Not hungry.”

“You haven’t eaten all day. Just a little something. Please.” Peter softly pleaded

Neal groaned and sat up in bed. He rubbed his eyes with his hands and said, “Fine. I’ll be down in a minute.”

“Okay.” Peter said and went to leave when Neal said

“I’m sorry.”

Peter turned around confused, “For what?”

“I’m just been such a fucking mess lately and you’ve had to watch Molly and Jack. I’m sorry.”

“It’s no problem, seriously.”

“I’m not the father they deserve. They deserve more than I can give them.” Neal admitted. Peter was surprised by this revelation and came closer.

“Yes you are. You’re great with them. They’re good kids. Very intelligent, kind, polite, happy. They’re braver than I could ever be.” Peter consoled, “You’re doing a damn good job. You just need to stay with us. With them. We _all_ need you.”

“I know.”

“So how about we get some dinner.”

Neal sighed and started to get out of bed.

* * *

 

Neal stood in the Burke’s kitchen drinking a cup of coffee. Hoping it would give him energy to get through the day ahead. He smiled as he watched his kids happily play outside with the dogs. He heard a rhythmic knock at the door. He knew it must be Mozzie. He answered it and he was right.

“Hey, Moz.”

“Hey.” Mozzie walked in and asked, “How are you doing?”

“I got up today. So I call that a win.”

“One day at a time.”

“Coffee?” Neal offered

“Sure.” They walked to the kitchen and Neal poured another cup and topped off his. They watched the children blissfully play.

“I protected them as much as I could.” Neal said

“I know.”

“I made sure that she _never_ hurt them.”

“I know. You succeeded.”

“I’m just glad that they can have what they didn’t know existed.” Neal softly said, “Freedom.”

Mozzie was silent. Neal continued, “For a long time I was so unsure if escape was even possible. The place was impenetrable. She had a keypad on the door. Which can be hard to break if you have tools available to you. It’s fucking impossible when you have nothing. At first it was locked on the outside. She changed it after she killed Barry Lander.”  
Neal remembered when it happened like it was yesterday.

_I woke up on the bed. I don’t remember going to the bed. Damn. That water. It must have been drugged. Why? Like she needs a reason. I get up and look around for Molly. In doing so I immediately notice something new._

_A keypad at the door._

_I put my head in my hands and mutter, “Fuck.”_

_I examine it. Of course she would get a good one. I turn my attention to see if Molly was still there or if she took her again. I look in her little bassinet. She’s lying there blissfully asleep and I breathe a sigh of relief. I watch her for the longest time._

_I know it will be even harder now to get her out._

_But we will._

_One day._

_One day sooner. One day later. But one day._

_One day I’ll be able to show her the world. Her real family._

_If only I had a way out._

_I don’t know how long I was out. I don’t know how long she’s been gone. I look to see if there was any formula for the baby. There was some on the table. Nothing else._

_She’s gone for what I assume was a few days. Time doesn’t really matter here._

_Don’t think about time. Because then you remember how much has past since you’ve been here._

 

_I need to get that code. I’ve been trying combinations for days but nothing. There are literally millions of combinations. I could be one number off and not even know it._

_I hear something coming from the keypad. I back away._

_She comes in and closes the door. I find myself lunging towards her wrapping my hands around her neck._

_I hear a voice screaming, “GIVE ME THE FUCKING CODE!”_

_That’s my voice._

_My body is doing these things but I’m not in control of it._

_She chuckles, “You like my little upgrade in security? We can’t have another incident like that. I’m taking the code to my grave.”_

_I find my hands wrapping around her neck tighter._

_A malicious smile crawls across her face. She scoffs, “What are you going to do? Kill me? I’m the only one who will EVER know the code. You should know by now. I die, you die. She dies. You don’t want your daughter to starve, do you?”_

_I back off. It hits me._

_I’m never getting out._

_This is never going to end._

_I’m going to die here._

_I turn to see her holding Molly. “You EVER do ANYTHING like that again I WILL leave you here to rot!”_

_She goes towards the door. “Please don’t take her! I’m sorry. Please don’t take her! Please! I’m sorry!” I pled_

_She gets out the door before I can do anything._

_She was seemingly gone for an eternity._

_Turned out to be about two weeks._

_I was almost certain that I was going to starve to death._

Neal turned back to the present. He asked Mozzie about something he had been wondering, “What brought you back to New York so recently? Was it a job? They said you were at the police station. How was Peter able to contact you so easily? Even knew you could be reached.” Mozzie was silent. Neal soon came to the sobering conclusion, “Because you never left. He knew that. You kept communication open. So Peter could reach you. Or even I could reach you. Like what you did with your parents. Kept certain aspects alive so you could be reached.”

There was a moment of silence before Mozzie muttered, “People thought I was crazy. Holding on hope for all these years. Never moving on. I had everyone I knew looking into this. As time went on, they got less sympathetic. Saying that I should give up and move on. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

_Mozzie met with a friend of his, Alec, about a job in a parking lot across the city._

_“Hey, Mozzie.” Alec greeted_

_“Hey, Alec.” They shook hands. “Need to ask you for some intel.”_

_Alec groaned, “Haven’t heard from or seen Caffrey nor do I know anyone who has. Are we done?”_

_“Good to know, but no. That’s not why I called.” Mozzie went on to talk about how he needed some jewels fenced._

_Alec assumed what Mozzie wanted because he hadn’t exactly been subtle about it. Mozzie had tried to get help wherever he could. Everyone in the criminal underworld knew about Mozzie’s never ending search to find his friend._

_As Mozzie and Alec were wrapping up business before Mozzie left Alec said with compassion, “You need to move on you know. It’s been years.” Mozzie just looked at him. Alec continued, “I know that you two were really close, but it’s time to move on.” He changed to a more matter-of-fact tone of voice, “It’s been so long that the chances of him still being alive are slim to none. You know that right?  People don’t normally keep their captives alive for long unless they’re useful to them. Even then.” He shrugged, “That’s just a fact. There’s statistics you can look into.” He continued, “Because of his mouth he probably said something that pissed her off and she killed him years ago.”_

_Mozzie knew that, statistically speaking, the probability of Neal being alive was slim._

_But he had to try. He couldn’t give up._

_Mozzie couldn’t shake this feeling that his friend was alive and needed him._

_Alec continued, “Even if he is alive, which is a stretch, and even if you do find him alive, an even bigger stretch. He’s going to be broken. I mean like, beyond broken. Where it would be just better for him to be dead so he isn’t suffering anymore.”_

_“You can still fix something that’s broken.” Mozzie replied with an angry undertone. Alec just rolled his eyes and sighed. Mozzie would take a broken Neal over no Neal._

_“He’s a lost cause, Mozzie. He’s gone and most likely never coming back. It’s sad and it’s tragic but it happened. You have to let him go. You have to move on. It’s the healthy thing to do.”_

_“I’ll call you about fencing those jewels.” Mozzie said and turned to leave_

_“So I don’t suppose you’d be interested in a crew I’m putting together to spend a few years going across Asia and the Mediterranean to hit various high profile targets.”_

_“I’ll call about the jewels.” Mozzie repeated and walked away. Alec just shook his head._

“I couldn’t let you go.” Mozzie said to Neal “I just couldn’t.”

They just stood in silence and watched the children play.

* * *

Neal was going to join Peter on the patio that night. He grabbed the bottle of wine that Mozzie brought over. (At Neal’s request) He grabbed the bottle and a glass and headed outside.

“Hey.” Neal greeted

“Hey.”

“Wanna beer?” Neal asked as he poured himself a glass of wine

“No thanks.” Peter replied “Where did you get that? We don’t have any alcohol in the house.”

“Mozzie brought it. Don’t worry I didn’t take my meds today. One drink won’t hurt.”

“Be careful.” Peter warned

Neal threw his head back and groaned after taking a sip. It was the first taste of alcohol he had in years. “Damn I needed this.” He muttered as he drank some more.

“Be careful.” Peter warned again, “Alcohol normally gives you more problems than it solves.” Neal nodded.

Peter said in a concerned tone, “Neal. There’s something that you should know.”

“What?” Neal asked taking his attention from his drink

“I don’t drink anymore.”

Neal shrugged, “Okay, and?”

“Neal. I’m three years sober.” Peter confessed. Neal put down his drink in shock. He was speechless. He realized what Peter was saying.

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry.” Neal said in shock, “How did it happen?”

Peter was silent for a while before confessing, “It was slow, gradual. It started as a few beers after work and on the weekends. Then a lot of beers on weekends, then a lot after work. Soon that wasn’t dulling the pain quickly enough so I started drinking harder liquors at night. Vodka, scotch, bourbon, anything really. As soon as I got off work I would go to a bar. I would be drunk long before I even got home. Then I would drink more and fall asleep on the couch. The amount of nights I fell asleep on that couch.” Peter said remembering, “Eventually I was drinking on the job. Just to make it through the day.”

Neal sat there in shock. When he finally asked, “You said that it wasn’t ‘dulling the pain’?”

“I had, and always will have, so much guilt about not being able to find you the one time you truly needed me. The fact that I had no idea what happened, where you were. I didn’t know if you were even alive. I found an escape in drinking. It dulled the pain. It made me numb.”

“The guilt and the grief ate you alive. You turned to drinking.” Neal realized

“You know. When you ran to Cape Verde and I had Ellen help me. I told her that if anything were to happen to you, I didn’t think I could live with myself. I was right.” Peter said, “It’s one time of my life that was very dark and I will always regret. I knew it wasn’t a healthy coping method.” He paused, “But it dulled the pain of losing you and failing you. After I started I just couldn’t stop. It kept getting worse and worse. I was powerless to stop it.”

“Wait. How do you still have a job? The Bureau was probably far from okay with this.”

Peter was silent for a moment, “The Bureau never found out.”

“I was a very high functioning drunk. Sometimes a little sleepy. Once Diana was looking for a file in my desk and found a lot of little bottles of booze. Then El, Mozzie, Jones, and Diana had an intervention for me. El had tried to talk to me a few times before that but it didn’t work. I would just walk away. To a bar, and I’d get drunk. More like drunker. I was normally at least a little drunk. No one ever told the Bureau. I used my vacation days and went into rehab under an alias Mozzie had set up.”

Peter looked out into the yard, remembering those hard times, “I was overcome with guilt and grief. I’d see someone on the street that looked like you. That led to some odd interactions where people thought I was crazy. Hell, maybe I was. I’d see a case that was exactly like something you would do. I secretly prayed it was you. Of course it never was. I really have to hand it to El. She stuck by me the entire time. She never left my side. If I didn’t have her...I don’t think I would be here today. I most likely would have eventually drunken myself to death.”

“How are you doing now?”

“I’m doing much better. Went to a meeting recently. My sponsor Dave and I had lunch a few days ago.” Peter said, “Having you home safe helps a lot.” He smiled

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Neal asked

“What was I supposed to say? While you were going through the Ninth Circle of Hell I was trying and failing to find relief of my guilt and grief at the bottom of a bottle. That I eventually had to go to rehab.” Neal nodded. He understood. Peter continued, “The guilt and the grief just ate away at me. Until there was nothing left. I could always find you...until I couldn’t, and that was the time you really needed saving. I’ll never be able to forgive myself.”

Neal was still speechless.

He finally asked, “Have you tried therapy?”

“Yeah when I was in rehab and when I got out. Helped a little. Went sporadically ever since. I do go to AA meeting regularly though.”

There was a few moments of silence before Neal said, “I’m glad that you had people in your corner. I’m glad that you didn’t have to go through that alone.”

“I’m glad you weren’t alone either.” Peter returned, Neal nodded.

“You know, my shrink says that the worst is over. Now I have to start over. When you’ve hit rock bottom there’s only one way to go. Up.” Neal said with a undertone of encouragement. Peter smiled, because he knew it was true.

“We’ll get through it. We’ll climb up and start over. Together.” Peter said with a smile. Neal knew that he wasn't the only one who had to start over. 

He was reminded lately that he wasn't the only one affected by Christina's destruction.


	6. Haunted by Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal wasn't the only one affected by Christina's destruction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a really fun yet a really emotionally draining chapter to write. Everyone is in a lot of pain and very vulnerable. I still have some more backstory I want to write. I was going to make it one long chapter but I found such a nice ending that I decided to split it into two chapters. I laugh at the fact that at first I thought this was going to be only 20k words max. It will probably be 40-50k+ once finished.
> 
> Inspired by Haunted by; Kelly Clarkson, Changed by; Rascal Flatts, Tears of an Angel by; RyanDan, Waiting by; Norah Jones, and Never Say Never by; The Fray.

4 years after Neal disappeared

Peter grabbed his jacket from his chair and grabbed his phone, wallet, and keys. As he walked through the bullpen Jones and Diana said

“‘Night boss.”

“‘Night.”

“See you tomorrow.” Peter said and he walked out of the office. When he got to his car he drove to his normal stop before heading home.

A small bar near his house.

He walked in the bar and sat down on a stool. It was early on a Tuesday so it wasn’t busy. The regular bartender, named Scott, nodded hello. He was tall, middle aged, with scruffy brown hair and stubble. After Peter sat down Scott held out his hand and Peter handed him his car keys. Scott asked, “What will it be tonight, Peter? Your usual or something else?”

“What’s the strongest thing you’ve got?” Peter asked. Scott could see the hurt on his face.

“Coming right up.” Scott said and got him a glass of new whiskey they had just received. “That has more percentage of alcohol than is probably allowed.”

“Great.” Peter said and downed the liquor in record time. Scott knew to keep it coming.  

“You want to talk about it?” Scott asked

“No, not tonight.” Peter replied and finished his drink. Scott poured another.      

Peter drank for a few hours. Once he was done he stood up, got himself together, and walked home. The bar was only a few minutes from his home and he was in no condition to drive.

When Elizabeth came that night Peter was sitting on the couch with a file and a glass of bourbon. The half empty bottle sitting right next to the glass.

“Hey, Hun.” She greeted

“Hey.” Peter responded. She knew immediately what file he was looking at.

Neal’s.

She noticed her husband’s appearance. His tie was hanging around his neck untied, first few buttons unbuttoned, sleeves rolled up, his speech was slightly slurred, and his eyes weren’t focused.

Elizabeth knew her husband was already drunk. She knew it was going to be a bad day for him.

Because it was exactly four years ago that day that Neal disappeared.

Elizabeth quietly sighed. Her heart broke at the sight of her broken husband. The man sitting near her was not the man she married. She knew that he wouldn’t talk about it. He’d been suppressing it.

“I was going to call out for dinner. What do you want?” Elizabeth asked. Peter shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. Whatever you want.”

Elizabeth sadly sighed. She then said, “Pizza?”

“Sure.”

She didn’t know how to help her husband. She had noticed that lately Peter had been coming home drunker and later. It was about nine pm on a Tuesday and it was obviously he had started drinking hours before. She knew that he was only getting worse.

* * *

 

A few days later Elizabeth was working from home when she heard a familiar rhythmic knock at the door.

She answered it and greeted, “Hey, Mozzie.”

“Hello.” He greeted

“Tea?” Elizabeth asked as they walked towards the kitchen.

“Have anything stronger?” Mozzie asked

“Sure.” Elizabeth responded and grabbed a bottle of wine from the cabinet. As she poured them each a glass she asked, “How are you holding up? Honestly.”

“Keeping myself busy. Repressing it some.” Mozzie honestly replied. He knew he could be true and real with her. She also wouldn’t accept anything else.

“You know that’s not healthy, Moz.” Elizabeth responded

“I’ve done it my whole life, you expect me to change now? Plus, do I look like I’m capable of making healthy decisions?” He took a sip of wine. “How’s Peter?”

Elizabeth turned sad, “I’m worried about him, Mozzie. I’m really worried about him. He’s been getting drunker earlier and more frequently. Lately he hasn’t even waited until he gets home. Yesterday I saw him pour some Baileys into his coffee when he thought I wasn’t looking.”

“He is getting worse.” Mozzie said, “He forgot that you see everything.” Elizabeth sadly smiled but it faded when she said,

“I think he’s at the end of his rope.”

“When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot, and hang on.” Mozzie quoted, “FDR.”

Elizabeth paused, “I’ve tried to talk to him about it, the drinking, why he does it. He won’t listen. He just leaves. He doesn’t want to talk about it or Neal. What should I do, Moz?”

“I’m _far_ from the best person to ask for advice about healthy coping skills. I can tell you want not to do. I can tell you what works in the short run, until it gets harder and harder to believe your own bullshit.”

Elizabeth sighed, “There hasn’t been a credible lead in so long. He’s losing hope.”

Mozzie said in a serious tone, “Hope is the worst thing to lose.”

There was silence,

“I think he’s finally facing reality. That Neal might not come back to us this time. It’s just so highly unlikely.”

Mozzie stared down at his drink, like it held all the answers.

He couldn’t face that reality.

He refused to accept it.

It was too painful.

“He’s Neal. He’ll find a way. There’s _always_ another way. Neal _always_ finds his way out. No matter how bad. It’s just taking longer this time. Maybe he got away long ago but there was some reason why he had to stay away from us. Maybe to keep us safe. We don’t know what happened. When Neal gets back he’ll tell us. ”

Elizabeth knew that Mozzie couldn’t face that reality either.

“One way or another, he’ll come back to us. When he does, we’ll all be there for him. He’s going to come back. He’s going to come back.” Tears were forming in his eyes and he was trying to prevent his voice from cracking. Elizabeth gave her friend a hug.

She felt bad for him. She almost pitied him. He was, yet again, holding on hope that the impossible would happen. When they knew that it may not. That Neal may not come back this time.

Mozzie was toeing the fine line between hope and denial.

Mozzie’s finally voice cracked and tears started falling down his face when he said, “He has to come back. He _has to_ . This _can’t_ be how he ends. He’s going to come back to us. There’s _always_ another way.”

Elizabeth kept hugging her friend to console him as he started to cry.

* * *

 

The next night Peter came home already drunk. When Elizabeth saw him her heart sunk, even though she had already expected this.

“Hey, Hun.” She greeted from her seat at the table.

“Hey.” He put his coat on the chair next to the couch and went to the kitchen to pour himself a drink. She sadly sighed. She still didn’t know what to do to help her husband.

After grabbing a drink he sat down on the couch and grabbed a file from his briefcase. It was a case about an art heist.

When Elizabeth found out she knew what Peter was thinking. What he was hoping. That Neal did it. Art heists were one of his specialities.

Whenever Peter got a case that was something Neal would do or even had a chance of doing. Peter secretly hoped Neal did do it. So he would have a clue as to where he was.

That he was alive and alright.

He just wanted to see his friend again.

Elizabeth tried a new tactic to help Peter. She got up from the table, walked over her him, and sat down next to him.

“Hey, Hun.” She said getting his attention

“Yeah.”

“I haven’t said anything yet but I have been seeing a psychologist. She thinks it would be beneficial to me to have you come with me next time. What do you think about that?” That was a lie, it was just a ploy to get Peter into talking to someone.

“Um, I’m actually been really busy with work lately. You know how it is. I’m sorry.”

Elizabeth sighed, “Please.”

“I’m sorry. Maybe another time.” Peter said and poured himself another glass of whiskey before looking back at the file.

Elizabeth sighed again out of failure.

Although it had gone much better than when her parents came by recently and her dad, the psychologist, tried to talk to him about it. That didn’t end well. Peter ended up getting angry and ended up storming out of the house. He came back a few hours later clearly drunk.

* * *

 

A few weeks later while Peter was at a long meeting Diana was looking through his desk looking for a particular file. She opened and searched a few drawers but did not find the file. She then opened the drawer towards the bottom of the desk. She saw some files that seemed particularly placed. She moved them and tried to hold in a gasp.

There must have been about two dozen small bottles of booze in the drawer.

Diana looked around to make sure no one was looking in. No one was. She saw his coffee cup and picked it up to inspect it. She saw a clear liquid inside that she doubted was water. She swirled the mug and smelled it.

She had no doubt that it was vodka.

She looked in the little trash can under his desk, under some strategically placed trash she noticed small empty bottles of booze. She gasped

“Oh my god, Peter.” She hid the evidence again and walked out into the bullpen to find Jones.

“Peter’s office, right now.” She told him

“Okay.”

He followed her up to his office where she showed him the evidence.

“Oh my god.” He said with a gasp. “I know that he’s not doing well, but I didn’t think it was this bad.”

“We have to tell Elizabeth. If it’s this bad on the job, how bad is it off the job?” Diana said

 

They knocked at the door and Elizabeth answered, “Hey guys. Peter’s not here.”

“Yeah we know.” Diana said as they entered the house

“That’s why we came.” Jones finished

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” She asked, getting concerned

“You could say so.” Diana started, “You know about his drinking.”

“Yeah.” Elizabeth said cautiously and growing more concerned

“I was looking for a file in Peter’s desk when I found these.” Diana said and showed her pictures of Peter’s desk on her phone.

Elizabeth gasped, “Oh my god. I didn’t know it was that bad.”

“Nobody did.” Jones said solemnly, “Addicts are very good at hiding things.”

“We need to have an intervention. ASAP.” Diana said getting to the reason they came by.

“When is he the most sober? So he’ll be the most lucid.” Jones asked

“If he’s drinking at work then I guess in the morning. Because he’s already drunk by the time he gets home.” Elizabeth answered

“That’s when we’ll do it. Also, contact Mozzie. We’ll need all the help we can get.” Diana said

* * *

 

Peter finished getting dressed for the day and went downstairs. He noticed that his hands were starting to tremor a little bit. He hadn't had a drink since the previous evening and was starting to feel withdrawal. When he got downstairs he was surprised, to say the least, to see not only Elizabeth in the kitchen but Diana, Jones, and Mozzie as well.

Elizabeth said in a serious tone, “Peter, we need to talk.”

“About what?” Peter asked innocently

“Your drinking.” Elizabeth replied

“I’m fine, what are you talking about?” Peter didn’t want to talk about it

“I found the booze in your desk.” Diana confronted

“When were you in my desk?” Peter asked, trying to change the topic

Jones sighed, “Peter, you can’t be drinking on the job.”

Peter huffed, “So what is this? Some kind of intervention?”

“Yes.” Mozzie piped up, “That’s _exactly_ what it is.”

“Like you should be talking about drinking.” Peter huffed, “You get drunk all the time.”

“I’m not in a drunken stupor _E_ _very. Damn. Night_!” Mozzie almost yelled. Peter looked surprised.

“Here are our terms.” Elizabeth started sternly but with care, “Either you go to rehab right now under an alias Mozzie has made for you or Jones and Diana tell the Bureau about your drinking at work and you _will_ lose your job.”

Then they each started to speak about how Peter’s drinking had affected them.

Jones and Diana spoke about it as his colleagues and friends.

“You _can’t_ be drinking on the job. Not with what we do. You can’t have blurred judgement. You just _can’t._ It’s not good for your nor for your cases.” Diana pleaded

Jones warned, “If the Bureau finds out about this all your cases in the last few years _will_ come under scrutiny.”

Peter was silent. Standing there in shock.

Elizabeth spoke up next about her feelings towards her husband’s drinking.

“Hun, you know I love you. But this isn’t you. You’re not the man I married. This is not the man I fell in love with. It just kills me to see you killing yourself like this. Because that’s what you’re doing. You’re killing yourself with this drinking.” She pleaded with tears in her eyes, “I want the man I love back. I love you and I want you to get better. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. Please go get help.”

Peter continued to stand there in shock. He was speechless.

Finally, Mozzie spoke. Not for himself nor his relation to Peter.

But for the man who could not be there.

“You know that this is the last thing Neal would want for you.” Mozzie said in a dead serious tone with an undertone of hurt, “He would be so saddened by what has happened to you.”

Peter finally spoke up, “I think Neal would be more concerned with me failing him, but okay.”

“He cares about you. A lot.” Mozzie continued, “Even before you caught him I knew he cared. I could never understand the bond between you two. Matter of fact, I _still_ don’t. But I know he would be completely and utterly heartbroken to see what has happened to you.”

He paused for a moment, “That’s why you need to get better. Because _when_ Neal gets back. He’s going to need us. _All_ of us.” He paused again before saying, “He’s going to need _you,_ Peter.”

Peter curiously asked, “How can you be so sure he’s even coming back?”

Mozzie said in a serious tone, “When all logic and odds are against you. All you have left, is hope. One shred of hope is a _powerful_ thing.”

“Don’t you get it?” Peter asked, voice raising, “He’s most likely not coming back! And it’s all my fault! Because he was _my_ responsibility!” Peter started yelling with hurt, “I was suppose to be monitoring him! I failed! I’m a _failure!”_ He calmed a little and said angrily, like it was a challenge, “So yeah. Tell the Bureau. It’s not like I’ve been doing stellar work since this all happened. There hasn’t been a single real lead in _years._ I might as well just give up.”

Silence fell upon the room.

Mozzie declared, “You’re allowed to yell. You’re allowed to be angry. But you are _not_ allowed to give up! That’s _not_ the Peter Burke I know and tolerate! By drinking, you’re giving up!”

Mozzie continued, “Yes, all logic and statistics are against us, but Neal defies all odds! He defies the odds of everything he’s ever done! So why would now be any different?”

Peter wished he could have Mozzie’s hope.

Or some might call it denial at the time.

“The only thing we have left is hope. Hope that he’ll come back. Hope that he’s alive. Hope we’ll find out what really happened. So we have to cling to it and _never_ let go. We have to be strong and hold on until it gets better. That’s the only way we’ll get through this. Together.”

Peter confronted, “What if he is alive? What if he’s still stuck with her and fucked up beyond repair? What then?”

Peter was still trying to hide the tremors he had been feeling since he woke up that morning.

Since he hadn’t had a drink in a while he was starting to feel symptoms of withdrawal.

He felt ever growing agitation and anxiety. As well as a little nausea, and wiped the thin layer of sweat from his forehead.

Mozzie said with anger and determination, “Then we’ll deal with it. Together. We can’t do that if you’re drinking yourself to death.”

“And if he’s dead?”

Mozzie paused then said lowly keeping his stern tone, “Then we’ll deal with that too.”

After a few moments Mozzie asked, “So what will it be? Rehab or losing your job?”

The room fell silent again.

Peter sighed, “Fine. I’ll go.” They slightly smiled

“Good.” Elizabeth said and gave her husband a hug

* * *

 

Peter was lying in bed in his room at the rehab center. He was severely shaking and was t-shirt and sweatpants were drenched in sweat.

“The first 48-72 hours are the worst.” The nurse watching him kept saying, “You’re doing great. Just hang in there. You’re almost out of the woods.”

He was in full on withdrawal.

Peter kept his eyes closed. Whenever he opened them his vision was blurry and his nausea got worse. His vomit was now whatever liquid he managed to get down. His head pounded like an elephant charging around his brain. He was completely disoriented.

Against his better judgement he eventually opened his eyes and through the hazed blurriness he saw a familiar figure standing in the corner of the room.

“Neal.” He slurred. The nurse overseeing him looked over curiously.

Peter saw that he looked so heartbroken.

“It is so sad that _this_ is what you’ve become. You’ve fallen _so_ far, Peter.” He sadly shook his head, “It’s hard to believe that _this_ is man who caught me. Maybe that’s why you couldn’t find me this time. You’re not you anymore.”

Then he vanished.

“No! No! Come back!” Peter slurred trying to get up.

“Peter! Peter are you okay?” The nurse asked, not knowing what happened. She got him to lay down again.

“Come back. Come back. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Peter pleaded, still slurring his words

The nurse went outside the room to get some meds to help him out.

He was unconscious soon after.

* * *

Two weeks later

Elizabeth and Mozzie went to see Peter in rehab.

“How’re you doing, Hun?”

“Better.” Peter replied, “Detox was a bitch, but I’m sober for the first time in..a _very_ long time.”

“That’s good.” Elizabeth encouraged

“They have me seeing a shrink.” Peter informed, he wasn’t happy about that. Mozzie rolled his eyes. It wasn’t a surprise that he didn’t really like psychiatrists.  “I don’t like her.”

“Why?” Elizabeth asked

“I don’t like her methods.” Peter was being vague on purpose.

“Don’t blame you there, Suit.” Mozzie commented, “Never trust shrinks.”

“What has she said?” Elizabeth asked

Peter paused before saying, “She wants me to move on. Let him go.” Elizabeth knew she would say that eventually. “I can’t do that, El. I just can’t.”

Before Elizabeth could respond Mozzie advised, “Don’t listen to her. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

“Did she say anything else about it?” Elizabeth asked

Peter paused before answering regretfully, “She thinks that we should have a memorial service.”

“No.” Mozzie said ademiently

Elizabeth was up for _anything_ that would help her husband get better. No matter the cost.

Although she _knew_ that Peter and Mozzie would _never_ agree to having a memorial without undeniable proof that Neal was dead.

“Moz, can I talk to Peter for a moment?” Elizabeth asked

“Sure. I’ll be outside.” Mozzie said and left the room.

Once they were alone, Elizabeth turned serious, “Peter, I love you. You need to get better. You need to put your recovery first. And if doing something like this will help...then you should do it.”

“I can’t do it, El. It’s too final. It would be like forgetting him. I can’t let go.”

Elizabeth sadly sighed, “No one could ever forget Neal.  You would just be moving on so you can recover and truly be sober and have your life back. There’s a difference between forgetting someone and moving on.”

Peter had so many people telling him to move on. His psychologist had informed him lately of ambiguous loss.

A loss that occurs without closure or understanding.

She told him how the lack of closure brings the grieving process to a halt. How it was common amongst the families of missing persons. She had told him that a key to recovery was resilience. Coming to terms with the loss and being able to continue moving on in life.

“I have to think about it.” Peter told her

He thought about it, for quite a while. He finally called Elizabeth one day and said, “Fine. I’ll move on. But no memorial. That’s too much.”

Elizabeth could tell he was in recovery. “That’s good. I’ll be there to visit in a few days.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. We’ll get through this. Together.”

“I know.”

* * *

Two months later

Peter had been home from rehab for a few days. He was two months sober now. He told the Bureau that he and Elizabeth were taking an extended vacation and took some personal time off. Between that and the alias that Mozzie had set up before Peter went into rehab the Bureau never found out.

Peter was doing better. He was starting to feel like it was possible for him to move on. Being sober and having psychiatric help definitely helped with that.

Although the loss still haunted him.

He knew it always would.

But he was learning to deal with it...in a healthy way.

He was in the kitchen cleaning up from lunch when he heard a knock on the door. He answered to see it was Mozzie.

“Hey. El’s out. She’ll be back soon if you want to wait.”

“Sure.” Mozzie said and came in and walked to the kitchen, “How’ve you been?”

“Better.” Peter replied, “Therapy and AA are helping.” Mozzie nodded, “You should try therapy. Who knows, it may help.”

Mozzie scoffed and remarked honestly, “Peter, if I went to a shrink they wouldn’t know where to start.”

Peter nodded knowingly.

* * *

That night Peter was alone in the house. Elizabeth had a work event. Peter was going to do what the specialists in rehab and his psychologist had been telling him to do. Saying it would aid in his recovery and sobriety.

Stop obsessing over Neal’s case and officially put it away.

He had a copy of the file. The small box of evidence was technically NYPD property and in an evidence warehouse somewhere. He was about to put the file on the top shelf of his closet when he heard someone say,

“So that’s it. You’re really giving up this time.”

He recognized that voice.

Neal.

He turned and saw him in the corner of his bedroom. “You’re not real.”

“No. I’m just a part of your imagination.” He said, “And you’re not the type of person who gives up. Especially not on me.” He turned confused, “What did they do to you in rehab?”

“This grief nearly made me lose everything. I need to do something about it.” Peter defended

“You know how to handle your grief now. You don’t have to let me go.”

Peter was silent and frozen in movement.

“Are you really going to make me just another cold case sitting on a shelf collecting dust? Another person that went missing and will never be found. Another missing person who has been long forgotten.”

“You could _never_ be forgotten, Neal. I’ll forever be haunted by this. Even though I don’t even know what actually happened.”

“Well then find out.” He demanded, “Because I _need_ you. Now.” He looked heartbroken, “Don’t let me go, Peter. Please don’t let me go. You can’t let me go.” He said, “You _need_ to find me, one last time.”

Peter closed the closet door, file in hand.

Neal smiled, “I knew you couldn’t let go.” Peter blinked and he was gone.

* * *

 

When Elizabeth got home that night she saw a sadly familiar sight.

Peter sitting on the couch looking at Neal’s case file.

“I thought you were going to put that away tonight.” She said as she took off her coat and walked over

He looked at her and said, “I was, but I couldn’t do it.” He said with renewed determination, “I’ll make sure to keep my sobriety. But he’s out there, El. Somewhere. And I’m going to find him. Dead or alive. I’m _going_ to find him.”

Elizabeth nodded. Deep down she knew that he wasn’t ever actually going to let go. So she would stick by him and make sure he stayed healthy and sober during his relentless search for his friend.

She gave him a hug and said, “I know, Hun. I know you will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [I also have a blog.](http://onequartercanadian.tumblr.com)


	7. Waiting The Long Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks: Peter struggles to find his friend and maintain his sobriety but is faced with new challenges. Mozzie won't give up on his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm so so sorry this fic has been dead for about 2 months. I've been so busy and only had enough time lately to update my fics with short chapters. These chapters tend to be long and very emotionally draining. (Seriously though, when I started this fic I didn't know how emotionally draining it would be to write.)
> 
> But yeah, I hope you like it! Let me know what you think.  
> Inspired by; Waiting by; Norah Jones

5 years after Neal disappeared

Peter was getting ready to leave an AA meeting when his sponsor, Dave, came up to him. He was younger than Peter and had short brown hair.

“Hey! So the big day’s coming up. One year.” Dave said with a smile

“Yeah, one year sober this week.” Peter replied

“We should have a sober celebration!” Dave cheerily suggested

“I can’t I’m heading to Philadelphia for a few days for that conference.”

“Oh yeah.” Dave said remembering, “You told me about that. Good luck. We’ll celebrate when you get back.”

“Certainly.” Peter responded and left.

He came home to grab his duffel bag before leaving for the airport.

After arriving he dropped his bag off at the hotel then headed to the conference. It was being held in an office building a short while away.

He knew he was in the right place when he saw the check in desk with sign that said, Vidocq Society.

They were a group of current and retired law enforcement professionals who would hear and give theories on cold cases.

Normally presenters had to wait at least a year before having a chance to present before the committee due to the volume of cases they had. But Peter knew some people and made some calls. He only had to wait a few months to present before the group.

The society meet once a month and only had time to thoroughly discuss about three cases per meeting. Peter was third to present.

When it was finally his time he walked up to the podium and accompanying screen projector with the file. Now old and worn after years of constantly being looked through and transported.

He introduced himself to the conference room. “Hello. I’m Agent Peter Burke. I have the case of Neal Caffrey. He went missing from his apartment going on five years ago.” He clicked a button on a remote to show the crime scene photos on the screen behind him. “I believe he was taken by Christina Mendoza. Her fingerprints were found a syringe at the crime scene. It was later found that that she was serially stalking him and had warehouse of pictures, plans, and other evidence.” He showed accompanying crime scene pictures. He went on to give more details about the case and Neal.

When he was finished presenting the details of the case it was time for questions.

One former agent clarified, “So you have not found a body?”

“No.” Peter responded

“Do you have any reason to believe he’s still alive?” The agent asked

Peter replied, “As of currently there is no proof of life since he was last seen.”

He answered some more questions about possible theories. Questioning and theorizing upon Christina’s possible motives along with analyzing what they knew about her. Finally a younger male agent asked, “Have you ruled out any accomplices?”

“We don’t have any evidence that another person was involved.”

Another agent, a profiler, piped up, “I don’t see her as the type to have an accomplice.”

“Neither do I, but it might have been out of reluctant necessity.” Peter turned interested in the younger agent's speculation, “Caffrey doesn’t seem like a large man but getting him out of the apartment and away seems unlikely on her own. Along with getting him to wherever she took him, it would be hard to do that on her own. Not impossible, but difficult.  It seems like she thought this through, maybe she realized that she needed help. You said that you already looked into her past?” Peter nodded, “Look again. Re-interview anyone who could have helped or known she needed help. I would also look through her financials and phone records.”

“Thank you.” Peter really appreciated the help.

* * *

 

Peter was sitting in at his kitchen table, looking at financial records. Elizabeth came by and looked at what he was looking at, “What’s that?”

“Christina’s financial records. Found a small bank in Milwaukee that recognized her but she was going by an alias. She probably doesn’t use it anymore but flagged it incase she does.”

“Wow, Milwaukee, that’s a little far.” Elizabeth commented

“Yeah.” Peter remarked, “I have Mozzie looking to see if anyone remembers at least the alias.”

“That’s good.” Elizabeth said with a smile.

“Although Mozzie told me that apparently people’s patience are running very thin with his constant requests for intel.”

“That won’t stop him.”

Peter smiled, “Of course not. He specializes in annoying people.”

Elizabeth slightly chuckled. She then remembered, “Oh hey, Dave called earlier. He wants to know if Friday’s good for dinner.”

“Yeah. That’s works.”

After a thorough investigation, there were no leads on Christina’s whereabouts or what she did.

They still had no clue where Neal could be, or if he was even alive.

* * *

6 Years after Neal disappeared

Peter was sitting in his office doing paperwork when an older upper agent knocked on his open office door with a file in his hand.

“Agent Burke?”

Peter looked up, “Yes.”

“I’m Agent Clarkson.” He introduced, “Good news. You have a new partner.”

Peter was confused, “I don’t do much field work anymore. And I _definitely_ don’t do partners.” He hadn’t had a partner since Neal.

“Well that’s going to change.” He declared, “This division’s conviction rate is in the low 70’s. Been in the 70’s for years now and has recently hit an all time low. That’s unacceptable. This is one of the changes we’re implementing.” He handed Peter the file from his hand, “Your new partner should be here shortly. He’s young and fresh. Graduated top of his class at Quantico and has more than proven himself in the field. We believe that he has great potential and could be a good fit for you.”

“So he’s the new golden boy of the FBI?”

“And you get to mentor him. If this turns out well it will not go unnoticed by the other higher ups.”He added as a sidenote, “You know, you would really have a place in DC. What could we do to make that happen?”

They have been wanting to promote him to DC for a few years now, but Peter kept rejecting them. Peter couldn’t move from New York without knowing what happened to Neal. But Peter didn’t give them that reason. Instead he told Agent Clarkson the excuse he’d been telling them for years, “Thank you. I appreciate it, but I’m happy where I am.”

Agent Clarkson rolled his eyes and said, “Alright then. Your new partner should be in shortly.” He turned and left.

Diana came in shortly after and asked, “What was that all about?”

“Apparently I have a new partner.” Diana looked confused. Peter then added, sarcasm dripping from his voice, “Yay.”

* * *

 

A young man came in, at a quick first glance he looked like Neal. Peter did a double take when he came into the office. But of course it wasn’t Neal.

He didn't know where Neal was.

The young man introduced himself, “Hello, Agent Burke. I’m Matthew Grant, your new partner.” He went in for a handshake but Peter didn’t reciprocate. Didn't even get up from his chair.

“So I’ve heard.” Peter remarked turning his attention back to some files on his desk.

“I’ve heard so much about you. You’re like a legend. I’m so honored to be working with you.”

Peter coldly responded, “Well look through those cases.” He nodded to a small stack of files to his right. “Get back to me with your findings.”

Matthew was a little thrown by the cold reception. He thought, ‘ _I guess the old adage is true. Never meet your idols.’_ He told Peter, “I’ll get right on it.” He grabbed the files and left.

Coming down to his desk he asked Diana, “So that’s the famous Peter Burke, huh?”

“Yep.” Diana replied while looking down from her computer.

“I didn’t know he was so…cold and...distant.”

Jones was walking back to his desk with a cup of coffee, “You know that old trope of the scorned cop who ‘doesn’t work with others anymore’?”

“Yeah.”

“Well that’s Peter nowadays.” Jones answered and sat down

“Nowadays?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Why would someone stop working with partners?” Jones asked sarcastically

“He had a partner and lost them.” Matthew felt stupid that he just put that together. Jones nodded.

“So what are those files you’ve got there?” Diana asked, changing the topic.

* * *

 

Peter treated his new partner very cold the rest of the morning. He later had lunch with Dave.

He arrived at the restaurant terrace and sat down at the table.

“Well don’t you look pissy. Did someone get off?” Dave asked who was already sitting at the table.

“The Bureau decided to give me a new partner.” Peter gruffed

Dave knew that Peter didn’t want this, “I’m sorry.”

“I was such an ass to him this morning. I didn’t mean to...I just couldn’t help it.” Peter looked at him, “He reminds me so much of Neal. He’s very intelligent, resourceful, a smartass, even looks like him...It hurts.”

“I’m sorry, Peter.” Dave was sympathetic, but needed to give him some advice, “But you know you can’t be an ass to him forever.”

“I know.”

“You’re going to have to at least be professional with him. Maybe even get to know him.”

“Yeah I know.” Peter then brought up, “He brought up the idea of a stakeout for this one case. It’s a good idea, but I don’t know.”

Dave took a good look at Peter and realized something, “You’re afraid of getting close to him.”

Peter looked up at him. He took a few seconds to respond, “Of course I am! My last partner turned best friend vanished into thin air!”

There was silence between them. The waiter came by to take their orders. After she left Dave said, “I know you are afraid of getting close to him, but as I understand you can’t have a partner and _not_ get close to them.”

“I spent the morning looking into him. If there is anyone in his life I should keep an eye on. Anyone with a possible vendetta. There isn’t anyone.”

Dave was surprised, “You did a background check on him?”

Peter justified, “If I’m going to be responsible for him I want to make sure I do it right this time.”

* * *

Peter and Matthew started their stakeout on the street where they believed a sale of priceless Mediterranean art was going to go down.

Matthew got there and said, “Hey, Peter. Brought some pizza.”

Peter responded, “Hello, thanks.”

They sat in silence for a little while when Matthew started trying to make conversation. He started with asking Peter about some old cases. He opened a little bit, Matthew loved hearing about Peter’s past cases.

“Yeah I heard you catch the Dutchman. That’s amazing! He’s taught at Quantico.”

That hit a sore spot for Peter and Matthew noticed.

Peter brushed it off, “Yeah.” He didn’t elaborate. Matthew noticed that he seemingly didn’t want to.

“Did I say something?”

Peter shifted in his seat and his eyes wandered the car, trying to distract himself. He finally confessed, “That was the first case I had with my last partner.”

Matthew was a curious little shit, “What happened to your last partner?”

Peter scoffed and muttered under his breath, low enough that Matthew couldn’t make it out, “That’s what I’ve been trying to find out.”

Peter got silent after that. They sat for a while until they saw their suspect. They moved in and arrested the buyer and the seller.

* * *

Mozzie and Elizabeth were having drinks at Peter and Elizabeth’s one afternoon shortly after Peter and Matthew started working together.

“Oh I didn’t tell you this, the Bureau gave Peter a new partner.”

Mozzie put down his glass of wine confused, “He doesn’t work with others.”

“Yeah they know. They just don’t care.” Elizabeth responded and took a sip of her drink.

“The Man not caring. What a surprise.” Sarcasm dripped from Mozzie’s voice, “Have you met this Junior Suit yet?”

“No, but I heard he’s very smart and motivated. Reminds Peter of Neal. Which hurts. He admits that.”

Mozzie turned sad, he looked down at his drink. Elizabeth sighed. They were silent for a while before Elizabeth finally said, “Peter doesn’t want to get close to him.”

Mozzie understood why immediately, “He terrified of someone else he cares about vanishing.” Elizabeth nodded, “But at the same time he’s watching him and everyone in his life.”

Mozzie nodded and took a sip of his drink, “He wants to make sure that no one else vanishes on his watch. I understand.” He understood not wanting to get close to someone after what happened with Neal. He felt the exact same way.

* * *

 

A few months later

Peter had let Matthew get somewhat closer to him. He was very slowly opening up. He was also very protective over Matthew. He found it odd but he knew that something happened to Peter’s last partner so in a way he understood and went with it.

They were on a stakeout one night. Matthew noticed that Peter had been more sad and on edge that day than he normally was.

“You okay?”He asked Peter

“Yeah.” Peter lied while looking out straight ahead in his car.

Peter knew that, that wouldn’t work. Because he knew that Matthew was a curious and nosey little shit. He liked to challenge Peter.

“You’re lying. What’s wrong?”

Peter paused, and said while trying to distract himself, “It’s just been a tough day, that’s all.”

Peter was normally pretty vague and guarded when it came to his emotions.

Matthew was confused, it had been a pretty average workday in his opinion, “There’s something bothering you. I know it. I’ve noticed you’ve been off all day. What’s wrong?” Matthew was very concerned now.

“It’s nothing.” Peter brushed off

“No, it’s not. What is it?” Matthew insisted

“Drop it!” Peter snapped

Matthew knew that Peter _really_ didn’t want to talk about it. The two men sat in silence for a while. Peter calmed down.

He eventually confessed, looking straight ahead, “It’s six years today that my best friend and last partner disappeared.”

Matthew turned to him interested. He _never_ talked about his last partner. So Matthew didn’t ask. He was a nosey curious person but he didn't cross lines that someone wasn't comfortable with. He didn’t know what happened, but he knew it was a very sore spot for Peter.

Peter's voice sounded so far away, “Why did I tell him to leave the van that night? I should have just told him to sit still and shut up like I normally did. Why didn’t I watch him more?”

None of this made sense to Matthew. He looked to Peter for clarification. Peter finally looked at him.

“He doesn’t like van work. He annoyed me until I told him to leave. He said that he would see us on Monday.” Matthew’s heart was breaking due to the massive amount of hurt in Peter’s voice, “No one thought differently. That was the last time anyone saw him. We found a syringe in his apartment with an ex-colleague's fingerprints on it. We know she took him. Nothing else. I don’t even know if he’s even alive.”

Matthew had heard stories of Neal and Peter’s partnership. They were like legends. He didn’t know why the stopped working together though.

He was speechless. All he could manage was an, “I’m sorry.” Peter nodded. They sat in silence for a while when Matthew brought up something he noticed about Peter’s language.

He noticed Peter used the present tense, “ ‘Doesn’t like?’ ”

Peter turned very defensive, “I have no proof he’s dead.” Matthew didn’t test him on that. Even though he knew that statistically the odds of Neal being alive after all these years was about zero. He gave Peter a look conveying that message.

“I have no proof he’s dead.” Peter repeated in the same tone. Matthew could sense the guilt coming off Peter. He was entranced in the memories, “I was suppose to be responsible for him. I failed. I always said if something ever happened to him I don’t think I could live with myself. Damn if I wasn’t right...this guilt, it will forever eat me alive….I just know how to function with it now. In a way that’s healthy anyway.”

He took a few deep breaths. Matthew knew that Peter didn’t drink, and he was starting to speculate why.  “I’m supposed to find him. That’s my job. I found him three times. Three times! Now the _one_ time he _needs_ me to find him...I can’t. A part of me knows that he’s most likely dead. Another part hopes that he got out and just never told anyone so he can finally have his freedom. Then there’s the other part of me.” He took another shaky breath looking ahead, “The part that thinks, what if he never got out and he’s been stuck with her all these years...Oh god. I can’t handle that.”

He looked over at Matthew. He seemingly realized that he basically poured his heart out Matthew for the first time. “You remind me of him you know. How you look, how you act, how you do the job. Just...everything.”

Matthew was speechless for a while. He finally said, “Have you been working this case all these years.”

"Yeah.”

Matthew suggested, “Maybe you could give me the file and I could have a look. Fresh eyes couldn’t hurt.”

Peter reached back into the backseat of his car and grabbed his briefcase. He pulled out an old and worn file and returned the briefcase to the backseat of the car.

“Oh.” Matthew was surprised that Peter had the file with him.

Peter handed him the file, “Maybe you’ll see something the tons of other people I’ve shown this too didn’t.”

Peter was silent as Matthew looked over the file. Matthew noticed how old and worn the file was. The wrinkles and creases on the folder and pages, a few coffee stains and mug stains, some food stains on the corners, the pages turned with old practiced ease, the weak bindings barely holding all the photo evidence and papers together. He knew that this file had been looked at probably a million times over the years. Going by the state of the file and Peter emotional attitude, he knew that Peter was never going to give up. That Peter would never let go.

After closing the file Matthew just had to ask one last question, “Why have you held on so long?”

Peter looked over surprised, “Because he’s my best friend. It’s my responsibility to find him when he leaves. Whether he runs or is taken. It’s my responsibility to bring him back to New York. Where he belongs. I _need_ to bring him home. Dead or alive. I need to bring him home. I can’t move on. I can’t.”

He couldn’t imagine the toll this had taken on Peter, “How have you coped?”

Peter looked at him honestly, “Not well. At least not for a while. Everyday is a struggle. How can I do everyday tasks like go to work, or have lunch with my wife, or even drink a cup of coffee when I don’t know if my best friend is okay. If he's even alive.”

Matthew now understood why Peter didn’t want another partner.

He wanted his old partner back.

Peter confirmed this, “I just want my friend back. I need to know what happened to him. What I would give to, at the _bare minimum,_ know what happened. If he’s dead, then have a body to bury.”

* * *

 

A few weeks later

Peter sat in his office Monday morning. He looked at the time, 9:30. He grew more concerned that Matthew was not in the office yet. He was normally on time or even early. He was _never_ late. He had been calling him for a while and he hadn’t picked up yet. He hadn’t seen or talked to him since the previous Friday.

He went down and asked Jones and Diana, “Hey, have you seen or talked to Matthew lately? He isn’t picking up his phone.”

Jones answered, “Yeah I had drinks with him last night.”

“When did he leave?”

“We left probably around 9:30. We both went home.” They could tell how worried Peter was. He couldn’t be still and was sweating, even though it was cool in the building.

How this was reminiscent of a Monday six years prior when he couldn’t find his partner.

“He’s probably fine, Peter.” Diana consoled

“I’m going to check on him.” Peter declared

“We’ll come with you.” Jones responded

They went to Matthew’s small apartment nearby. They knocked on the door.

“Matthew! It’s Peter! You okay? You haven’t come into the office yet.”

No answer.

Peter wasn’t waiting. He broke the door down and they cautiously walked in.

There were signs of a struggle.

And no Matthew.

Chairs were overturned, things thrown on the floor. They cautiously inspected the apartment with their guns drawn. Peter was walking and near the small kitchen and stopped in shock when he saw a small pool of blood.

“Oh god.”

They walked over to Peter and saw the pool of blood. Jones called for backup.

Peter was sweating, hyperventilating, all color in his face was lost.

“Not again. Not again. Not again.” He kept repeating, “This can’t be happening _again._ ”

Diana consoled him.

She didn’t even bother with empty promises of finding him or that it would be okay.

Because she knew better by now.

* * *

 

That night he got a call from Elizabeth, “Hey Hun. You going to be home for dinner? Dave’s coming over.”

Peter ran his other hand down his face and sighed, “I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“Okay that’s fine. I’ll see you later. Love you.”

Peter confessed, “Matthew’s missing.”

Elizabeth was stunned, “W-wh-what? Missing?”

“He didn’t come into work today. Went to his place this morning to check on him and saw signs of a struggle.”

Elizabeth asked with urgency, “Are you doing okay?” She worried about the stress of losing another partner causing him to lose his sobriety.

“We have some leads as to what may have happened. I’ll let you know.” Peter hung up.

Elizabeth immediately called Jones, “Hey, Jones. I heard what happened. How’s he doing? Honestly.”

“About as well as to be expected.”

“You and Diana keep eyes on him. Please.”

“Already are.”

“Thank you. Also, follow him when he leaves to make sure he comes straight home. No _stops._ ” He knew she meant to a bar or liquor store.

“Certainly.”

“Thank you so much.”

They worked till late at night. Diana left to be with her son. Abiding to Elizabeth’s wishes, Jones stayed so he could follow Peter. But Peter didn’t leave that night. He sat at his desk all night and into the early hours of the morning working on the case. Jones helped him.

When Diana came in and saw Peter and Jones looking like shit she gave them a sad sympathetic look. She knew telling Peter to go home would be useless. She was right. So, she did the only thing she could. Brew some more coffee and help chase the few leads they had.

 

Peter sat in his office with Neal and Matthew’s files open on his desk. “The only things left of my partners.” He muttered.

He wondered if there was something wrong with him that people who partnered with him ended up vanishing into thin air. They had reason to believe that someone Matthew had pissed off on the job had come back. The higher ups insisted on calling his parents who lived nearby to let them know. Peter was adamantly against this. He wanted a little more time to find him, before his parents entered the hell that Peter knew all too well.

The hell of being the family of a missing person. They ended up calling his parents.

Elizabeth dropped by that afternoon under the guise of bringing lunch to see how Peter was doing. He was about as well as he was yesterday, if not a little worse.

 

That evening Jones and Diana told him to go home and get some rest.

“No.” Peter insisted

“You can’t help him if you haven’t slept in over a day.” Diana insisted

“No don’t you get it!” Peter snapped, they looked confused, “I lost _so much time_ with Neal! It took a fucking _week_ to figure it out! I’m _not_ making that mistake again!”

Peter wasn’t budging. There was a fierce determination in his voice and on his face. So that night Diana stayed with him, saying it was to help with the case. Peter kind of believed it but took her help.

* * *

 

Peter didn’t go home until two days after Matthew disappeared. After they got a call from the local PD.

“We need to get to East 79th St.” Diana ran up and told him. They called for backup and they went to the location.

Peter slowly and unsteadily walked up to the crime scene near the water. He saw the coroner’s van and a blue sheet covering something on the ground.

He unsteadily made his way to the sheet. His face turned white when he saw the face on his partner, Matthew,  with a single gunshot wound to his chest.

“He was shot probably between Sunday night and Monday morning and dumped in the river.” The coroner said. It all seemed to be a hazy blur for Peter. Time seemed to be going in slow motion.

He stood there and stared at his deceased partner. He couldn’t help but wonder, _‘Is Neal dead somewhere too? In a shallow grave or at the bottom of the river?’_

The rest of the day was a whirlwind for Peter. He sat in his office that night deep in thought. He was the only one in the office. (Well Jones and Diana were outside watching in their car to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid.) Peter soon broke into tears. He covered his face with his hands as he sobbed. He pounded his fist on the table. He got up and paced his office before soon punching the wall. He cried and punched until he didn’t think he could anymore.

He finally sat back down, calmer now. He wiped his face and got himself together.

He finally grabbed his jacket and keys and started to leave. He got into his car and was off. Jones and Diana discreetly followed. They sighed when he parked in front of a bar.

“Oh Peter. Don’t.” Diana regretfully said. They were ready to go in and stop him. They watched as he got out of his car and started towards the door. They were just about to get out to confront him when they noticed he stopped. They saw him turn around and get back in his car.

“Thank God.” Jones muttered. They both breathed a sigh of relief.

Peter went straight home that night.

Although he was never closer to breaking his sobriety that he was that night.

* * *

He went to Matthew’s military funeral a few days later. Agents from across the Bureau showed up. It was packed. Peter saw Matthew’s mother was an absolute wreck, his father was stoic, and Matthew’s younger brother was just barely hanging on.

‘ _At least they have closure.’_ Peter couldn’t help but think, then felt awful for thinking it.

After the funeral Matthew’s mother, followed by her family, came up to him.

“I’m so sorry.” That was all Peter could manage to say

She was clutching the flag she was given from on top of the casket, “He loved what he did. He loved this country. That’s why he joined the Marines out of college then the FBI.” She sniffled, “He was so excited and felt so privileged to work with you. Thank you. For finding him. For catching the bastard that did this.”

Matthew was killed by Jeremiah Crane, the brother of someone Matthew put away who had a thing for revenge. They found him shortly after finding Matthew’s body and he was awaiting trial after not taking a deal.

Peter knew the only thing he could give them was closure and answers.

She then pulled him aside away from her family. Peter wondered why. “Those two days were the worst time of my life. Second to today. Not knowing what happened. Matthew told me that you had a partner who went missing years ago. I couldn’t imagine going through this for years. How do you do it?”

Peter took a second, “It’s been the hardest years of my life. But you take it day by day. And you _never_ stop searching. You _never_ give up.”

She nodded before her husband lead her away and the family walked away.

* * *

 

He was holding on, but just barely. Gripping to whatever he could just to keep it together for another minute. Another day. He didn’t think about tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year.

‘ _Just get through today. They need you.’_ He told himself. That’s how he had gone this long. Just keep it together today.

But it was getting harder and harder to do that.

It was getting harder and harder to merely exist in survival mode.

Bringing the bed sheets into the bathroom and wrapping them around the shower bar was looking more and more appealing. He swiped some painkillers the last time She had them out. He thought about crushing them up and putting them the children’s water, then once they were gone, ending his life.

‘ _No. You can’t do that.’_ He thought, sitting at the table looking at the children innocently playing on the floor. ‘ _We will rise. One day. Maybe you won’t get out, but they will. Hopefully. One day. You_ ** _have_** _to keep that hope alive. It’s_ ** _all_** _you have. You have to keep fighting. You cannot give up. Because you have them to think about. Be strong. Be brave. Always keep fighting.’_

Another voice in his mind told him, ‘ _There’s no point in fighting. There is no hope. You are never getting out of here. They are never getting out of here. You are going to die here. No one will save you. You cannot even save yourself or your children.’_

He played the part he was supposed to. He did as he was supposed to. To avoid her wrath. He thought he could deal with her abusing him, but it was the passive threats to the children behind their backs. Even though she claimed every which way that she wouldn't hurt them. He never believed her. He wasn't going to risk her following through on one of those threats.

He also needed to avoid the children asking questions ‘why was Mommy yelling at you again? Why do you have those bruises? Why aren’t you eating with us again?’ Praying the children didn’t hear what she did to him every night.

She recently told him that she wanted one last child.

He knew he didn’t have a choice in that.

She took great pleasure in taking him to bed every single night.

He had no choice in the matter.

He took a deep breath. He had to live another day. He had to keep holding on. Even though it seemed _impossible._

He was brave, and strong, and broken, all at once.

* * *

 

7 years after Neal disappeared

Mozzie walked into a bar and ordered a drink, a bourbon. He was careful not to drink too much. As he took a drink of the burning liquid he heard a familiar voice.

“Well hasn’t it been a while.”

He turned around to see Alex Hunter.

“Yeah it has.” He downed the rest of his drink and ordered another. “Why are you here?”

“Just completed a job. Wanted to celebrate. Also the Feds are closing in on another heist I pulled. May have to do a few years. Need a good drink.” Alex took a seat on the barstool next to him, “What are you drinking?”

“Bourbon.”

“I’ll have one of those.” She said to the bartender and pointed to Mozzie’s glass. When Mozzie was quiet she asked, “Aren’t you curious about the job?”

Mozzie humored her, “Sure. What was it?”

“Chinese jewels at the Embassy.”

“Good for you.” Mozzie took another sip of his drink, “Also, sorry about the Suits.”

“Heard you take less jobs now. No international ones. Or any outside New York really.”

“Yep.”

“How have you been?” She knew that Neal disappearance still heavily weighed on him.

“Just barely hanging on. There’s been no change.” Mozzie admitted

"How's Peter?"

"Pretty terrible. It hasn't been easy on either of us. Especially him."

“How long has it been?” She asked, referring to the disappearance.

Mozzie was reluctant to say at first, “Seven years.”

“And you still have nothing.”

“It’s not that we have nothing. It’s just that any leads have not presented themselves yet.” Alex gave a small sad smiled and nodded. She took a sip of her drink. “He’s out there. Somewhere. He’ll come back to us. One day. I know it. I _have_ to think that. I have to have hope.”

Alex sadly sighed and put her drink down.

She knew that Neal was long dead. If he wasn’t physically dead, then he was mentally dead.

Well...she wasn’t wrong about that.

She knew that he probably had been told that thousands of times over the years. So she didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to hear it again.

She felt such pity for him.

“I’m sorry. Neal didn’t deserve this.” She consoled. She wasn’t exactly the warm and fuzzy type, but she did what she could.

“Doesn’t. Neal _doesn’t_ deserve this.” Mozzie corrected, “We have no proof he’s dead." He looked at her sharply,  "I’m not going to stop looking until I find him and find out what happened.”

All Alex could do was sit there and console him. “I know you won’t.” She, as well as everyone else in the crime community, knew Mozzie was looking for his missing friend...still. She thought at one point he needed to move on. Since it was almost a decade. But she knew that he had been told that plenty of times over the years. So she didn’t tell him that again either. He didn’t need to be told yet again that he needed to move on from Neal.

Mozzie could sense she was thinking that. “I know what you’re thinking. That I need to move on. That he’s dead. You know what, Neal is the closest thing I ever had to family. He’s my brother. My best friend. Family doesn’t forget each other. Family doesn’t give up on each other. Family doesn’t desert each other.”

He then blurted out without thinking, “But hey, in my personal experience, that’s what family does. They vanish without a trace. Never to be seen or heard from again. Why would this be any different?”  He realized what he said and felt very uncomfortable with that very personal outburst he left in a hurry.

Alex followed him concerned.

“Mozzie? Mozzie!” She followed him to the alley behind the bar.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that.” Mozzie was uncomfortable with his outburst. He was pacing the alley. Alex knew about what happened with his parents. How he was never able to find them. How he held on hope for decades. He knew that Mozzie didn’t let people in that close, for fear of getting hurt.

“It’s okay, Mozzie.” Alex asked, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Mozzie stopped pacing and said, “No, but thank you.” There was a silence, “You can leave.”

Before heading off Alex sincerely offered, “If there is anything, I mean _anything,_ I can do. Please contact me. I’m more than happy to help.”

“Thanks.”

Mozzie didn’t know that in a few short months he would be contacting her to do the biggest favor he’d ever ask someone.

To murder the bastard that terrorized his best friend for almost a decade.

And she would do it without hesitation. She was _more_ than happy to help and would take great joy in the job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we get back to the present where a lot happens.


	8. The Ghosts That We Knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal realizes how much has changed over the years. He gets to his breaking point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it just so happens that one year ago today I started posting this whole series. I want to thank everyone for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting. It means so much to me. I appreciate it so much!  
> Inspired by; Deep in the Meadow; The Hunger Games, Lullaby; Nickelback, Shattered; Trading Yesterday, One Day You Will; Lady Antebellum, After the Storm and Ghosts That We Knew; Mumford and Sons

The Present

Diana walked into Peter’s office. Peter had recently returned to work after taking time off after Neal was found.

“Today’s the day.” She said

“Yep.” Peter was unenthused

“Jones just called me and he’s on his way back. You testify today right?”

“Yeah. Did he say how it went?”

“He said it was harder emotionally. I testified yesterday and I have to agree with him.”

“I should be getting to the courthouse soon.” Peter sighed and shifted uncomfortably.

Jeremiah Crane, who killed Peter most recent partner, Matthew Grant, was finally on trial after many delaying tactics and futile attempts at a plea bargain by the prosecution.

“How’s Neal doing?”

Peter sighed again and turned sad. He took a few seconds before being brutally honest, “Diana, I don’t recognize him anymore. That man, living in my house, I don’t know him. He used to be so full of life, so bright. He made sure he and his smile lit up the room. He used to have so much life in his eyes. Now...there’s _nothing_. Even though he is still breathing...she really did take his life. All that’s left is a broken shell. And I don’t know how to help him.”

He looked and felt like he was going to cry. There was one last thing he needed to get off his chest, “For so many years all I wanted was to find him, to have answers. I never really thought about what would happen after. I didn’t think of how I could help him. I should have done that. All I thought about was just getting him home safe. Or at least finding a body. I figured we’d just take it from there... Well, we’re there and I have no clue how to help him. There were times I didn’t even think we’d ever get here.”

Diana felt for him, she gave him a soft sympathetic look, “You couldn’t find a way to help him because you didn’t know what happened.” She added, “Also, you’ll always tell yourself there’s more you could have done. Because that’s just how we are. But this damn near killed you. You almost lost everything. You did everything you could then and you’re doing everything you can now.”

“Do you think he’ll ever get better?”

Diana sighed, “I’m not in a position to answer that.” Peter knew that, but he was still disappointed nonetheless, “But I can say this, that hard suave charming conman exterior with the chaotic good hearted interior you knew seven years ago...he died a long time ago. He died when she stuck that needle in his neck and he woke up in that hellhole.”

Peter’s heart sank, even though he knew she was right. Peter knew that you can’t go back to the person you were almost a decade ago. He was just hoping there was part of the Neal he knew hidden deep down inside.

She asked another question, “How are the kids doing?”

“They can read very well, know more math than me, yet they have a tough time with things like steps and are only just learning social order and etiquette. Separation issues from Neal and each other.” He added, voice full of hurt, “It’s blatantly apparent what they have not been exposed to. What they had access to...and what they didn’t.”

“Hopefully they’ll never have to know why and how they were brought into the world.” Diana wished hopefully

Peter let out a deep breath, “Unfortunately they won’t be that lucky, I don’t think.” He tried to keep himself from tearing up, “I think  they already know that what they knew before wasn’t normal. They’ve asked me before, ‘why did Mommy hurt Daddy?’ It’s only a matter of time before they put the pieces together.”

 Peter looked at the time and knew he had to get to the courthouse to testify. He got up but before he left Diana advised, “Just give him time, and help. There’s not much else you can do other than be there for him. Which you’re doing.” She finished, “Good luck in court. You’ll do great. Because of you he’s going away for life.”

“I’d rather him be rotting in hell with her but I’ll take life in prison without parole.”

* * *

Neal and Elizabeth were cleaning up from dinner that night when Peter came home. She knew he was supposed to testify today.

She went over to give him a consoling hug. “Hey Hun.” Neal noticed Peter looked exhausted and even depressed. He knew Peter must’ve had a really rough day.

“You okay?” Neal asked

“Yeah.”

Neal knew that was a bold faced lie. “Rough day?”

“You could say so.” Peter went upstairs before Neal could ask anything else.

Neal asked Elizabeth, “What’s with him? He keeps this up and he’ll be the most depressed one in the house. And that’s not easy to achieve.”

Elizabeth slightly bit her lip. She wondered if she should tell him. He did not know about Matthew. It took no time at all for Neal to pick up on it, “What aren’t you telling me?”

Elizabeth let out a defeated sigh, “He had to testify today in a tough case.” She wanted to leave it at that...but she knew better.

“White collar cases normally aren’t that emotionally draining. So what’s _really_ going on?”

She went to sit down on the couch and motioned for Neal to follow. He was confused and concerned.

“Last year the Bureau was trying to improve its critically low conviction numbers. So against Peter’s wishes they gave him a partner for the first time since…” Her voice drifted off

“Since me.” Neal finished, Elizabeth nodded. Neal already had a bad feeling about this.

He had every right to.

“Matthew Grant, he was so excited to work with Peter. The Bureau considered him the new golden boy of the FBI. Top of his class, excellent in the field. They gave Peter the opportunity to mentor him. Well, it was more of an FYI kind of thing. Peter didn’t have a choice.” She brought up another point, getting on a slight tangent, “You know they’ve been wanting him to go to DC for years. He kept saying no. He said he was happy where he was.” She took a deep breath, trying not to cry, “But that wasn’t the real reason.”

Neal thought he knew why. She finished, “He needed to know what what happened to you before moving on like that.”

She then remembered what she was talking about and got back on topic, “Peter was cold and distant at first. He couldn’t stand getting close to another partner. Not after what happened.” Neal was already heartbroken. He knew by the fact there was a trial, that he never heard of Matthew before, and by Elizabeth heartbroken tone and demeanor, that it was only going to get worse. Although he was reminded that while he was locked up, the world moved on without him. “But after a while they eventually started to get close. He eventually opened up enough to tell him about you and your case, how emotional it was for him. Have him help. One day last year he was late for work. He was never late.”

  
Neal’s heart stopped. He knew where this was going. He knew it all too well. “So when he was a half hour late without answering his phone he, along with Jones and Diana, went to his apartment. They found signs of a struggle and no Matthew.” Neal’s heart was racing, he ran his hands through his hair. “I was so worried about him. He couldn’t handle going through this again. It’s a damn miracle he kept his sobriety.” She sniffled and wiped her nose with her sweater sleeve, “Of course he didn’t do it alone. Everyone was there to make sure he was alright.”

“W-what happened next?”

“Peter didn’t leave the office for two days. When they found his Matthew’s body in the East River.” Neal sighed and put his head in his hands. “He was shot by a guy who he pissed on the job. He’s finally on trial for murder.”

There was silence between them for a while before Neal finally said, “I hope the fucker rots in hell.”

“Me too. Me too.”

* * *

Neal and the kids were taking a walk on a warm and sunny afternoon. “This place has the best cupcakes in the world. I promise you.” He said with a smile. The kids giddily walked with him holding his hand on each side. He wanted to show them a bakery he remembered going to a lot previously. They finally got there and were confused.

“Dad, this isn’t a cupcake place.” Molly pointed out. “It says Fedex.”

“Yeah I see that.” Neal was confused. He Googled the place and let out a small, “Oh.”

“What Daddy?” Jack looked up and asked

“The place went out of business five years ago.” Neal was in a small shock.

He was reminded yet again how much had changed since he was kidnapped.

“Didn’t you live in a house above a house in the city?” Molly asked. This catch Neal off guard. He answered,

“Yes.” Uncertain where she was going with this.

“You said we could see it when we got into World.”

He remembered that conversation. Still uncertain, kinda regretting it he admitted, “Yeah I did say that, didn’t I?”

“Can we see it?” Molly asked, she gave him a big smile and pleaded, “Pl _eee_ ase! I wanna see it!” Molly was a curious and insistent one.

Neal sighed “Alright.” Jack and Molly cheered.

He called June and asked if it was a good time to visit. She was more than happy to oblige.

When they reached the mansion Jack and Molly looked up in awe.

“Wow!” Molly looked around, taking it in, “You lived here?”

Neal sadly smiled, “Yeah, I did.”

They walked up to the door where June was waiting to give them all a very warm welcome. She even had her chef put some cookies in the oven for them. They walked up to Neal’s old apartment.

The kids immediately ran in and started to take it all in in awe. Neal stood in the doorway. The furniture was covered with sheets and it was mainly used for extra storage now. He looked down at the floor near the counter and remember what happened last time he was there.

 

_The hand behind Neal came up and stabbed him in the neck with the syringe, unloading it’s entire contents. He was shocked because he never saw it coming._

_“What the hell!?” Neal yelled and touched the area where she dosed him. A few seconds later he started to feel tired. “You bitch!”_

_Christina sat there satisfied. His neck, around where she stabbed him, itched and tingled. Despite how terrified he was he felt his heart rate slow. He managed to get up, he needed to get to his phone. He needed to contact Peter. He started to go over when Christina remarked matter-of-factly,_

_“You’re not gonna make it.” She knew exactly what he was trying to do. He got to the counter and grabbed his phone, his vision blurry. He fell to the floor unconscious before he could dial Peter’s number or send him a text._

 

He looked around, in the closet there were a couple of suits. Most have been given away by this point. He wondered if he would still fit in them. He figured he lost too much weight and they’d probably fall off him. He saw the kids were running around, mostly taking in the views from the terrace. He grabbed a suit from the small selection and put it on. It was too big for him all over. He looked at himself in the full length mirror.

He didn’t recognize the man staring back at him.

He didn’t feel the same. He didn’t look the same.

He felt off. Odd.

Even though they were his, he still felt like he was wearing someone else’s clothes.

He looked around and found a hat at the bottom of the closet, he put it on and looked again.

He still felt the same way.

Molly and Jack then came running by. Molly was about to rave about the apartment but was curious, “What are you wearing, Daddy?” They had never seen him in a suit before.

“Just found some old clothes. Wondered if they would still fit. They don’t.” He needed to change and get out of there. He felt odd and strange, too uncomfortable.

Even though he was in his clothes in his apartment, he didn’t feel like they were his anymore. They felt like they belonged to a stranger.  

He plastered on a fake smile for the kids, “Hey, how about ice cream?”

* * *

 One sunny Saturday afternoon Neal was able to put himself together long enough to take the kids out to the aquarium. Peter and Mozzie came with them.

The kids loved the dolphin show and all the different species of fish. Especially those they were able to touch. It was a pretty great memorable day all things considering.

The kids ran into a very small exhibit room. The only light coming from the fish tanks. The walls and floor were black. Peter and Mozzie ran behind them with Neal last.

He didn’t like the idea of going into a small dark room.

As he hesitantly walked in the kids were awwing over the fish. He stood towards the dark closed door and tried to hide how claustrophobic he was getting.

He focused on the kids. Mozzie noticed that Neal wasn’t looking well. He walked over and quietly asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine. Just enjoying time with them.” Neal brushed it off. Mozzie didn’t know whether or not to believe it. Neal walked towards the kids.

“Daddy! Look at the fishys!” Jack pointed and exclaimed

Neal smiled, “I see.”

The kids spent more time looking the all the different species of fish in the tanks. Neal felt like the walls were closing in on him. He felt cold, yet he was sweating. He tried to cover up how shaky he was feeling. His heart was racing. He felt nauseous.

He had to get out of there.

“Excuse me.” Neal muttered and walked out the door. He started running as soon as he got out the exhibit room door.

Peter told Mozzie, “Watch them.” While he rushed to follow Neal. He finally found Neal outside the building. He was leaning against the building trying to stop hyperventilating.

Peter came over to him and put his hand on his shoulder.

“I-I had to get out of there. It was to-too small. Too dark.” Neal’s voice shook as he tried to calm down. “I ne-needed to get outside. Fresh air. Sunlight.”

“Just take deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth.”

Neal took some deep haggard breaths before calming down.

“I know you haven’t been doing well lately.”

“No shit!” Neal snapped back. He realized he was snappy and took a deep breath, “I’m sorry. I’m on edge.”

“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

Neal confessed,  “No, it’s not. Nothing will ever be okay again.”

* * *

 

A while later Neal was putting the kids to bed. Peter and Elizabeth managed to fit a second bed in the guest bedroom before Neal left the hospital.

He tucked them in and after reading them a story Jack insisted, “Sing, Daddy.”

“Please.” Molly insisted

Neal solemnly nodded and sadly smiled, “Of course.”

“Deep in the meadow. Under the willow. A bed of grass. A soft green pillow. Lay down your head. And close your eyes. And when they open. The sun will rise. Here its safe. Here its warm. Here the daisies guard. You from every harm. Here your dreams are sweet. And tomorrow bring them true. Here is the place. Where I love you.”  
  
A few hours later Peter was shaken awake by the sound of the front door. Peter immediately reached for his gun. He had been keeping it in the nightstand during the trial of Matthew’s killer. Just in case. He fished his hand around the drawer but was greatly alarmed when he couldn’t find it. He turned on the lamp on the nightstand and started worriedly searching. He grabbed his second weapon from the dresser and headed off. He noticed the second bedroom door was slightly open.

Neal normally closed it at night.

He put his gun in the waistband of his pajamas pants and covered it with his t-shirt. He crept into the room and saw the children fast asleep, but no Neal.

He saw a note next to the little urn of ashes from his baby girl that was stillborn.

He picked up the note and unfolded it.

 

_Peter,_

_I’m at a loss for words. I thought they would come as I write. I know you did everything you could to find me. I know what you with through with drinking and Elizabeth told me about what happened with Matthew. I just can’t do it anymore. I thought I could. But I was wrong. I don’t know how I can move on. I can’t seem to be able to._

_Most importantly, I can’t be the father that Jack and Molly deserve. They deserve so much more than I can give them. They saved their lives and barely understand it. They deserve the world. I can’t give it to them. I’m not fit to be taking care of children. I can’t take care of myself. So I certainly shouldn’t be caring for children. I know you and Elizabeth will be the parents they never had. The parents they deserve._

_Tell everyone that I love them and that I’m sorry. I tried. I truly did. But I used everything I had just trying to survive there and get the kids out. There’s nothing left in me. I’m sorry._

_-Neal_

Peter was shaking so hard the note almost fell out of his hand. He was crying. He wiped his eyes with his shaky hands.

He had to find Neal.

He went to fold up the note and saw more writing on the back.

_Molly and Jack,_

_I just wanted to say how much I love you. Everything I ever did was for you. To make sure you were safe. To make sure you were happy. I tried to make sure you didn’t know about certain things. I know I wasn’t too successful about that but I still tried my hardest. I tried to do right by you. I can’t give you what you deserve. You two are the reason I got this far. You deserve the entire World. And you’ll have that with Peter and Elizabeth. They’ll take better care of you than I could. Peter and Elizabeth will be there for you. When they can’t, Mozzie will be. Well, he’ll be there anyway. Don’t be a stranger to him. He’s the best friend I ever had. He’s the closest thing I had to a brother. Peter is the closest thing I ever had to a father. He’s who I learned from to be a father. Be good for them. They love you too._

_Remember I’m not too far away. I’ll always be in your hearts. I love you more than you’ll ever know and I only want the best for you._

_Love,_

_-Dad_

He ran out of the room and stormed down the stairs. He grabbed his keys and ran out the door. He didn’t even realize that along with his pajamas he didn’t even have real shoes on, just slippers.

He saw in the driveway that Elizabeth’s car was gone. He knew that Neal took it. He tried not to think about it but he knew that Neal took his gun too.

While clutching the note in his hand he ran and started his car. He was trying to think of where Neal would go.

He knew there was a park a few miles away that Neal liked to take the kids. He figured he’d try that first. He tried to call Neal but realized that not only didn’t he have his phone but Neal probably didn’t either. He didn’t have it.

He saw Elizabeth’s car parked outside the fence of the park. He walked through the park before seeing Neal sitting on a bench. He was in his pajamas as well.

He slowly walked up to Neal and saw that he had the missing gun in his right hand. It was sitting on his lap.

“Hello, Neal.”  
Without looking at him Neal said, “Now it’s four and a half out of five times.” Peter was confused, “I give you a half for last time. I tipped you off.”

Peter knew he was talking about the amount of times he had found Neal. He admitted, “I should have known. You always had a sixth sense when someone left the house.”

Peter looked at the note still clutched in his hand. He forgot he was holding it. “I found your note. I immediately knew that my gun was gone.”

Neal looked at the gun in his hand. “Yeah, pills weren’t working and I didn’t want the kids to find me.” He looked up at Peter was unimaginable sadness that shattered Peter’s heart into a million pieces, “I just can’t do it anymore, Peter.”

“You know that death is not the answer.” Peter calmly said. He sat next to Neal on the bench.

Neal looked at him a little confused, “It’s not that I want to die. It’s that I just can’t live anymore.”

Now Peter was confused.

“I can’t explain it any better.” Neal looked away. He looked down at the gun in his hands. “You know I saw my old apartment the other day.” Peter knew, the kids were more than excited to talk about it. He noticed that Neal was oddly silent while they spoke. Even a little uncomfortable. “I felt like I was in a stranger’s place. LIke I was somewhere I shouldn’t be. I found an old suit. I tried it on for old times sake. It felt strange, odd. It’s not how I remembered it. Nothing is how I remember it. Tried to take the kids to a bakery around the apartment only to find that it’s been a Fedex for five years. Everything is so different. I’m so different.” He paused, “I don’t recognize who I was then to who I am now. I don’t even know who I am now.”

He wiped tears from his face with his free hand, “I thought that maybe after I got back in the swing of things I would have some resemblance to who I used to be. I don’t. I want to go back to who I was back then. Before any of this bullshit happened. Before she stole my life.”

He rose his shaky hand with the gun, “I used everything I had to just survive and get them out. I don’t have anything left. There’s no fight left.” Peter was about to say something before Neal asked, “Remember the nursery rhyme of Humpty Dumpty?”

Peter wondered where he was going with this. “Yeah. He sat on a wall and had a great fall.”

“Yet no one, not even the most powerful people, could put him back together again.” Neal finished, “I was reading a book of nursery rhymes to the kids a while back and couldn’t help but relate _so much_ to that metaphorical egg. Because that’s _exactly_ what happened to me.” He cocked the gun.

Peter urgently tried to get his attention, turning towards him and in his direct line of sight as he looked out onto the empty dark park, “Hey hey hey! Neal, you can get through this. You got out of there. You can do anything. You survived the abuse, you can survive the recovery.”

Neal scoffed, “Sounds like something a therapist would say. Did you get from AA?”

“It’s true, Neal. We can get you more help. There’s life and hope beyond this!” Peter pleaded

Neal got up and shouted at Peter and unintentionally lowering the gun, “I’m already getting fucking help! It’s not fucking working!” He sarcastically remarked, “It’s not like there is Some Asshole Abducted Me Anonymous!”

There was silence between them. Neal looked down at the gun still clutched in his right hand.

Peter had been intensely following his eyes.

Peter was stern yet caring, “Trust me me when I say that I _know_ how it feels to be hopeless. Feeling like there’s no hope left. But I hung on, because a small part of me  believed there was something better on the horizon. That I would find you.” Neal was silent. He unsteadily raised the gun, “You have got to just have hope and hang on. Remember who you have to live for.” Peter’s voice still soaked in urgency and concern, “You have us, your family. You have your children. You want to see them grow up, right? You’re the only parent they’ve ever had. They need you.”

Neal snapped back in a shout, lowering the gun, “You don’t think I don’t fucking know that!!? You don’t think I’m _severely_ aware of that!!? Everything I’ve done has been to make sure they were safe! Make sure they didn’t know the pure evil around them! Do you even know how _hard_ it was to fucking placate her and make her happy because I was so damn _terrified_ she would make good on her behind their back threats to hurt them! She used threatening them as a weapon. It was I do as she wanted or she threatened to hurt them.”

Peter didn’t know what to say. He sat there in shock. Neal calmed down and ran his other hand through his hair, and started crying, “They deserve more than I can give them. They deserve a better father than me.”

Peter got up to give him a hug. Neal didn’t refuse but hugged him tightly. Peter used that as an opportunity to get the gun from Neal as they moved away. He emptied the chamber as soon as he got it. He hugged Neal again, “Let’s go to the hospital. They’ll get you more help, okay? We’ll work on being alright.” Neal nodded and Peter broke into tears as well while clutching his friend.

“Promise me you’ll be here next year.” Peter managed through his tears, “Promise me!”

Neal managed a small yet firm, “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about having Neal run instead but the entire fic he's been in a pretty bad state so I figured this made more sense. (It also made me cry while writing it.)


	9. So Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal deals with his feelings post breakdown while everyone else also reaches their breaking points.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [I made a rec list for Fanfiction Writer Appreciation Day!](http://onequartercanadian.tumblr.com/post/164451854455/fanfiction-writer-appreciation-day-rec-list)  
>  Fandom would be nothing without fanfiction. So thank you to all writers!! *hugs*
> 
> I also made a post a while back addressing different update schedules of my others fics. So if you read other fics of mine click [this.](http://onequartercanadian.tumblr.com/post/164123513645/state-of-the-fanfics)  
> 

Peter walked downstairs that morning in the same pajamas from last night. He looked like hell. The kids were at the table and Elizabeth was giving them breakfast.

Elizabeth noticed his appearance but didn’t say anything in front of them, “Hey hun.”

“Hey. Can I talk to you outside?”

Elizabeth was caught off guard and hesitant, “Sure.”

They walked out to the back porch. “What’s wrong? The kids have been asking where Neal is, since he wasn’t in the bedroom.”

Peter took a deep breath, “Neal broke down last night.” He told Elizabeth about Neal’s mental breakdown a few hours ago. She backed up in shock and put her hand over her mouth. She was devastated and speechless.

They stood in silence for a short while until Elizabeth finally asked, “How long?”

“I don’t know.” They stood in silence again. Peter looked into the house and saw the kids eating and playing with their cereal at the kitchen table. He looked at his wife in devastation, “What are we going to tell them? And how?”

“We’ll figure it out.” Elizabeth gave him a consoling hug, “We’ll figure it out.”

They walked back inside where Jack asked again, “Where’s Daddy?”

Elizabeth and Peter looked at each other and sat down next to them at the kitchen table.

Peter took a deep breath and began, “Your Dad…he’s very sick, in the head. You can be head sick and body sick. He needed to go back to the hospital so the doctors can make him better.”

They were a little confused, Molly asked, “I thought the doctors already made him better. Did they not do it?”

Elizabeth told them, “Sometimes someone is more sick than they originally thought. It’s okay, because the doctors are going to work hard with your Dad to get him better.”

Jack wanted to know, “Why is he sick?”

Elizabeth and Peter gave each other an alarmed look. Neither really knew what to say. They scrambled for something to tell them, Peter started, “Um, he’s sick because…”

Elizabeth saved her husband, “Sometimes people get sick in the head. It’s not their fault. It just happens sometimes.” Peter nodded in agreement and relief that she was able to finish his sentence.

Jack nodded, “Ok.” and went back to eating. Molly on the other hand, didn’t look quite convinced.

Elizabeth held her hand and tried to convince her, “He’s going to be okay.”

Peter tried to change the conversation and mood, “Hey, how about we go to the park after breakfast?”

Elizabeth smiled, “I think that sounds like a great idea, how about you guys?”

They nodded and Jack exclaimed, “Yah!”

* * *

 

They drove to the park nearby. They tried to get the kids outside whenever possible because the doctors said they needed to be out learning and socializing with others.

They needed to learn how the World worked.

This time there weren’t any other kids on the playground area of the park. The kids started to run and and play tag when they got there. Peter and Elizabeth watched nearby.

Peter saw the bench nearby that he and Neal was sitting on the previous night. Where he fought to get Neal from committing suicide.

He slightly nodded to the right, “It was right over there. I had to plead with him not to take his own life.”

Elizabeth couldn’t even imagine.

“What if I didn’t wake up and hear that door close? What if I wasn’t there to talk him down?”

Elizabeth shook her head then gave him a hug, “Don’t think like that.”

“If I wasn’t there to talk him down we’d probably be at the morgue. And we’d be telling those children that they don’t have a father anymore.”

“But you were there and he’s getting help.”

“He told me that the kids deserved more than he could give them. He said that he didn’t have any fight left.”

They sat on the bench and watch the kids for a while. She tried to articulate her thoughts as best as she could, “You know, Neal obviously knew he wasn’t doing well. He knew he wasn’t in the right place, mentally, to take care of kids. He was sane enough to know that he was insane. He didn’t go about it correctly, but he knew that he couldn’t take care of them the way he wanted to. So I think that some time alone to work on himself is exactly what he needs to improve his mental state and wellbeing. So that he _can_ take care of them the way he wants. Although his _actions_ were wrong I feel the _principle_ behind them were very selfless and brave. He just wants the best for them.”

Peter’s phone rang. He answered it. “Hey, I was at the house and no one was there. Neal’s not answering his phone. What’s wrong?” It was Mozzie.

Peter sighed and put his head in his hands, “You need to sit down for this.” He informed Mozzie about Neal’s breakdown. Mozzie was quiet and calm. Peter didn’t expect that from him.

“You can only be strong for so long before you fall apart and breakdown. Because he’s human. Sometimes humans only know how to crumble. The fact that he hasn’t broken down like that before is amazing.” Peter didn’t know how to respond to that. “The important thing is, he’s getting more much needed help now. Maybe having some time to work on himself by himself will work better than what he was doing before.”

“...That’s similar to what Elizabeth thought.”

“Listen to her. She’s normally right.” Peter slightly smiled

* * *

 

Neal sat in his psychiatrist’s office in the clinic. Dr. Anderson’s office was small and simple yet practical. They had already addressed what brought him to the clinic.

“I know I’ve said it before...but...I wanted to get out _so damn badly_ , and now that I have...all I want is to just sleep. I feel like I’ve been run over by a freight train and haven’t slept in a decade. I’m finally out so why do I feel like I just want to sleep or just die.”

She reminded him, “It’s not unheard of to have a delayed response to trauma like that. Your mind and body were too focused on surviving. Then you managed to escape the cabin and death in the same day. Your mind has a lot to process and deal with. It’s going to take a while. You’re not going to be okay overnight.”

Neal commented, “And I’m sorry you got the short straw and have to deal with my intensely heavy shit.”

She politely smiled, business like. She actually took on his case because she was the most qualified doctor in the area that dealt with intense trauma and sexual abuse.

“I just feel so numb sometimes. I can’t feel a damn thing. Other times I’m so full of emotion that all I can do is lay down and cry. Then on occasion I can pull myself together long enough to be a semi-functional human and at least get out of bed.”

Dr. Anderson wrote in her notebook perched on her lap.

“My father was non existent and my mother was mentally non existent. I always told myself,” He wiped tears from his eyes, “I always told myself that if I had kids they won’t see what I saw growing up, experience what I experienced growing up. Not only do they have that, but they have it _worse_!”

He got up and started to pace. “They didn’t ask for this! To be caught in the middle of all this fucked up dysfunction! They’re innocent! I tried to make sure it stayed that way, but it backfired on me. I was one person fighting a losing battle.”

She put her pad on the coffee table between her chair and the couch Neal was now pacing behind, “But if you didn’t have them, then you wouldn’t be here today. You’ve admitted that before.”

Neal stopped pacing and looked at her remembering.

She was right.

* * *

 

Peter was driving everyone home from the park to have lunch when Molly spotted a piece of paper that sparked her curiosity when she saw her and her brother’s names on it. She grabbed it, “What’s this? It has our names on it.”

Peter looked at her through the rearview mirror. He saw the back and knew immediately what it was.

It was Neal’s suicide note.

Peter had forgotten to get rid of it. He slowed the car and immediately turned around and snatched it from Molly’s hands.

“Why did you do that?” She asked confused

“That’s not for you!”

“But it had our names it!” Molly argued

Elizabeth was confused but tried not to show it. He handed the note to Elizabeth and she put it in the glovebox. Molly’s eyes followed where she put it.

When they arrived home Jack was antsy to get out of the car so he bolted as soon as possible. Elizabeth went after him and Peter followed. Molly used that moment of opportunity to find out what they letter with her and Jack’s names on it said.

She crawled into the front seat and started trying to figure out how the glove box opened. After a few attempts she figured it out and grabbed the paper from it. She un-crinkled it and began to read it.

 

Peter and Elizabeth soon noticed that Molly wasn’t in the house yet. Peter went to get her. When he got to the car he saw her sitting in the passenger seat. He walked over and opened the door. He saw her with the note in her hands. She looked up at him and with tears in her eyes.

“Why does Daddy want to go to heaven?”

He stood in shock for a solid while before gently taking the note from her hand and giving her a tight hug. “We need to talk.”

They walked in the house and he gave Elizabeth a serious look and handed her the note. They sat the kids down on the couch and they sat across from them.

Molly asked again, “Why does Daddy want to go to heaven?” Jack looked at her confused then turned to Peter and Elizabeth.

“Daddy in heaven?!” The poor boy looked like he was about to sob.

“No no no. He’s still with us. He’s still with us.” Elizabeth assured the boy and gave him a hug.

Peter continued to speak to them, “I know that things may not make sense to you right now, butt it’s going to be alright. I know you miss him, we do too, but he’s very sick. He misses you too.”

“If he misses us why would he want to leave us?” Molly asked, trying to understand

“Like I said, he’s very sick. It’s not his fault. The sickness makes him feel like _that_.  He’s at the hospital now trying to get better. He wants to get better so he can be with you guys.”

“Can we see him?” Jack sniffled and continued to hold on tight to Elizabeth

Peter sighed, “The doctors said he needs some time.”

Elizabeth held Jack closer, “He’s going to be alright. Everything’s going to be okay.” Molly didn’t know whether or not to believe them.

He asked, “‘M scared. What if he don’t.”

“It’s going to be alright. He’ll be back once he gets better. He loves you two _very_ much.” Peter didn’t know what else to say to them. Neither did Elizabeth for that matter. This was very much out of their depths. They looked at eachother at a loss for words but wanting to comfort these children.

Molly spoke up about something she was wondering about, “When will he come home?”

Peter and Elizabeth looked at each other. They had no idea. Elizabeth told her a version of the truth, “He’s trying to get home as soon as possible.”

* * *

 

They called out for some takeout that night and Peter was going to pick it up. They were going to introduce the kids to Chinese food. On the drive home Peter past a bar. He slowed the car. He found himself turning into the parking lot. He didn’t think about what he was doing or what he was seemingly about to do. After parking the car he stopped himself from walking out. He got out his phone to call his AA sponsor, Dave. Instead he turned off the car and got out.

 _‘One couldn’t hurt would it? After the last the few weeks. I need at least one. I’m not going to get drunk,’_ He thought.

The justifications of a recovering addict.

He sat at the bar, trying not to think about what he was doing. Instead he thought about how good a drink would feel. Soon after ordering a whiskey, it was just sitting in front of him. The drink almost seemed to taunt him. He stared down at the glass. He grabbed the glass with a shaky hand.

He had been sober for three years.

As he held the glass he phone rang. He put the whiskey glass down and pulled out his phone. Elizabeth was calling him.

“Hey Hun! Just wondering if you picked up the food yet.”

He heard her usual cheery voice. It lifted his spirits a little. It made him crack the faintest of smiles.

“Um, yeah I did.” He thought that he could tell Elizabeth there was traffic. That’s why he’d be late. He picked up the glass again.

“You okay?”

That question seemed like a taunt with his current predicament. He thought, ‘ _No I’m not okay. I’m sitting in a bar with a drink and my best friend had to be committed because he tried to kill himself. So no, I’m not fucking okay.’_ He could have said that. He seriously thought about it.

Instead he said, “I’ll be home soon.” He hung up without saying goodbye.

He rubbed his face with his hand.

“What the hell am I doing?” He muttered.

All the reasons he had to quit drinking ran through his brain like a frieght train. With a shaky hand he eventually put down the untouched drink. Before he could slip up he grabbed some cash from his wallet, tossed it on the counter, and got the fuck out of there.

* * *

 

When he got home Elizabeth immediately noticed that Peter looked like he’d seen a ghost. He put the Chinese food on the counter near Elizabeth who asked, “What’s wrong?”

Peter was honest with her, “I have a meeting to get to.”

She pulled him aside, “Are you okay?”

“I’m working on it.”

He left and arrived at the church were the closest AA meeting was being held. He walked into the church basement and sat down with the about dozen others arranged in a circle.

He was unsure if he was going to share why he came to this particular meeting. It started and soon enough a guy was talking about his recent struggles. Peter wasn’t really paying that much attention. He was looking down and was mildly trembling. He was looking down and said loud enough for people hear but with no real emphasis, but more out of realization, “My best friend tried to kill himself last night.”

The room went silent. They all turned and looked at Peter in shock and confusion. He looked up at them he repeated himself, “My best friend tried to kill himself last night.” It seemed to finally hit him. “And after what he’s been through...I don’t really blame him for wanting to. Although if I wasn’t there to stop him. If I hadn’t heard him leave the house...he would probably be dead now...and I’d be at a bar drunk off my ass.” He took a deep breath, everyone was listening closely, “My wife and I had to explain this to his kids. How do you explain to a troubled six and four year old that their only parent wanted to commit suicide? I was coming home tonight with dinner and I stopped at a bar. I ordered...but I didn’t take a drink. I was close, but I didn’t.”

The leader of the group hesitantly asked, “Why?”

Peter looked at him, “...Because I remembered all the reasons why I had to stop. I remembered that no matter how much I try to justify in my head, _just one drink won’t hurt._ I’ve drilled it into my head that it will. I’ve been sober for three years. I’ve only slipped up a few times in the beginning. I intend to keep it that way. I keep thinking about disappointing my wife, my best friend. How his kids have seen and experienced enough dysfunction for five lifetimes and they need to see strong, normal, loving, adults. Their father can’t be strong right now, so everyone else in his life will be strong for him. Those kids need strong positive influences in their lives. Their father and I can be their examples of strong people that can get through anything with enough help. That’s why I didn’t drink. Because I need to be strong for everyone else.”

* * *

 

That night Elizabeth was putting the kids to bed. They put a small bed in their guest room for them but Elizabeth was tucking them into the king sized bed next to it.

“A story!” Jack called out

“Yeah!”

“Okay. What’s your favorite?” Elizabeth was sitting on the edge of the bed next to Molly. Jack was next to her.

“Tell the Count of Monte Cristo.” Molly suggested. Elizabeth tried to hide her shock. She figured a story about unlawful imprisonment and exacting revenge on those responsible was a little on the nose.

She wondered what the children thought, “I don’t know that one. What’s it about?”

Jack shook his head, “Mommy don’t like that one.”

Elizabeth thought, _‘Yeah I wonder why.’_

“It’s about a boy who was taken from home and when he finally escaped, bought an island, and called himself the Count. He wanted revenge on everyone who was mean to him.” Molly told her.

Elizabeth was silent for a few seconds. Trying to think of what to say next. “It seems like you already know that one. How about another one.” She scrambled trying to think of a children’s story. Any story really.

“Did you know that Uncle Peter and your Dad worked together?” They shook their heads, “They did. Once someone wanted to hurt their friend, called the Dentist of Detroit. They wouldn’t let that happen. They confronted the bad men but because the Dentist cared about them he make sure that they weren’t hurt by them. He confronted them first, and then your Dad and Peter came to take them away.”

They seemed to enjoy that story.

“Another story!” Jack cheered

“How about you go to sleep now.” She got up and was about to turn off the lights at the door when Jack called out

“You going?”

“Yeah.”

“Noooo! Don’t!” He cried. Molly looked uncomfortable as well.

Elizabeth turned confused and confused, “Why?”

“We’ve never slept alone before.” Molly told her. Neal was normally with them at Peter’s house and well...the cabin was basically a room and a bathroom.

Elizabeth’s face fell in sympathy. She muttered, “Oh you poor things.” She walked over to them, “How about I just stay until you guys fall asleep.”

She sat down next to Jack who seemed distraught, “You’ll just leave. Like Mommy and Daddy.”

Elizabeth looked at the boy yet again in another state of shock. They had a tendency to shock her yet also amaze her. Tonight it was mostly shock.

She didn’t know what to say to him. Although she was most definitely guilted into staying the night.

 

Later that night when everyone was asleep. Jack couldn’t sleep. He got up and turned to his right and started to shake his sister. “Sissy! Sissy!”

She woke with a groan, “What?” She rubbed her eye.

“No can sleep.”

“You can’t sleep?” She was still lying down. She moved some brown hair from her eyes. Jack nodded.

“Why?”

“Do you ever wish we still lived in cabin?”

Molly sat up in bed, “Why?”

“Daddy never left us there. He never tried to go to heaven in cabin. Mommy was there too.”

Molly commented on the last sentence. “That’s good and bad.” Molly had an alright grasp on the situation. She understood enough to know it was bad. Not too much else.

Jack was too young. He didn’t really understand much of what was going on and why they had to leave the cabin. He only understood a little. The last few weeks since the escape had been a whirlwind for him, for Molly as well but mostly for him.

“Why does Daddy want to leave us?”

He looked at his sister like she was suppose to have all the answers because she was his older sister.

“I don’t know, Jack.”

Neither could understand the complexities of PTSD and depression.

“Where’s Mommy? Why did she go?”

Molly looked at him confused, “We had to leave her. Remember? You were scared. It was the first time we saw World.”

Jack nodded, “Oh right!” He had to be reminded.

No one told them that Christina was murdered. They hadn’t really asked before. Jack asked once and they said that she went away.

“Is it our fault?” He asked, regarding having to leave.

Molly was still just a child. She didn’t understand why Christina did what she did. That question was still baffling Neal and everyone else.

“I don’t know.” She honestly answered and gave her brother a hug. She never told anyone, but she would secretly think, _‘Maybe if we were better she would have been nicer to Daddy. Maybe if we were better Daddy wouldn’t want to go to heaven.’_

She was just a child. She didn’t understand that she was just an innocent byproduct of this fucked up mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by; Mockingbird; Eminem, Thistle and Weeds; Mumford and Sons, Family Tree; Matthew West, 7 Years cover; Jasmine Thompson, Human; Christina Perri, Family Portrait; Pink, and So Cold; Nikisha Reyes


	10. Seeking Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter looks for someone else that could help Neal.  
> Neal talks to his psychiatrist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by; Days in the Sun; Alan Menken, Cast

“Don’t do that. You have to press it, like this.” Molly pressed the towel down on the wet spot on the bed.

“I am!” Jack called

“Shh! Be quiet. You’ll wake her!’ Molly warned. Jack went quiet. The previously night they got Elizabeth to sleep with them. They had never slept alone before.

After blotting the wet spot on Jack’s side of the bed Molly assessed it. “Do you think they’ll notice?”

“I dunno.”

Elizabeth heard the light commotion and woke up. She sat up in bed and looked over to them, “What are you doing?”

Molly got defensive, “We’re sorry! He didn’t mean to!”

Elizabeth was confused, “Didn’t mean to what?”

“I peed last night by accide’t. While I sleepin’.”

Elizabeth sighed and smiled, “It’s okay. We’ll just pop the sheets in the washer and they’ll be good as new. Are you guys okay?”

The kids looked at each other and nodded at her. They started to calm down. Elizabeth’s concerns grew as to why the kids were so defensive and even a little scared that Jack wet the bed.

She wanted to ask but was afraid of the possible answers. So she phrased it another way, “Is this normal? Does this happen a lot?”

Jack shook his head no. Elizabeth nodded in response. “‘m sorry.”

Elizabeth gave him a warm consoling hug, “It’s okay. You have nothing to be sorry about. It was an accident.”

The kids remembered the last time Jack wet the bed.

 

_“You’re three years old, Jack! You should have this down by now!” Christina yelled as she tried to clean the stain from the bed. She pulled the thin sheets off and put them aside to wash later. “Your sister toilet trained without a problem! Why can’t you be like that?!”_

_Molly was sitting on the larger bed next to the kids’ bed. Jack was standing behind Neal who uselessly pleaded, “Please don’t yell at him.”_ _  
_ _“Shut up!” She balled up the sheets and put them near the door. She rummaged through the cabinets looking for more cleaner._

_“‘m so-sor-sorry.” The boy’s voice shook as he spoke._

_Christina hastily walked back to the small mattress. She angrily sighed, “Well how about you try harder to make it to the toilet! It’s not that far!”_

_“Please don’t yell at him.” Neal uselessly repeated_

_Christina turned around and gave him a look of daggers, “What the fuck did I just tell you?”_

_“It was just an accident. He’ll get better. It can just take a little time.” Neal tried to defend_

_“Molly trained without a problem! He should be the same!”_

_Neal weakly defended, “Kids are different. Some take a little more time, some less time. It’s not his fault.”_

_Christina looked up at him with this evil look in her eye. She got up and walked slowly towards him like a vulture circling its prey. Neal prepared for the inevitable blast wave._

_“You know what...you’re right. It’s not his fault...it’s your fault. I gave you one damn job, Neal!” She came closer. Neal tried not to flinch. Molly pulled her brother behind the kitchen counter._

_“I told you days ago to start toilet training Jack. I had enough chores to do so I couldn’t do it. I should have known that you can’t do anything right! I do so damn much around here! Without me you all would be dead! I have to do everything around here! I gave you one job and you couldn’t even do it right! You’re so fucking incompetent! You know that! You’re incompetent!” She finally took a breath while clenching and unclenching her fists.  “I should have started training Jack myself. Maybe then he wouldn’t wet the bed. I’m the one who trained Molly anyway.”_

_She turned towards the door in a huff, “If I want something done right then I guess I have to just do it myself.” She grabbed the sheets and left to wash them, slamming the heavy door in the process._

_The kids ran out from behind the counter._

_“‘M sorry! ‘M sorry! ‘M sorry!” Jack cried out as he ran to give his dad a hug. Molly wasn’t far behind._

_Neal bent down and held them tightly. “It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s not your fault. It’s okay.” They sat down on the bed and he continued to hold them tight. They were still frightened by Christina’s latest outburst so he sung to them to help calm them down._

_“Days in the sun. When your life has barely begun. Not until my whole life is done, will I ever leave you. All those those days in the sun. What I’d give to relive just one. Undo what’s done, and bring back the light. Oh I could sing of the pain these dark days bring. The spell we’re under. Still it’s a wonder of us I sing of tonight._

_How in the midst of all this sorrow, can so much hope and love endure. I was innocent and certain. Now I’m wiser and unsure.”_

* * *

Peter was meeting with his AA sponsor Dave for coffee. He grabbed his cup and sat down at the table where Dave was sitting.

“You look like you’ve been run over by a bus. What’s wrong?”

“Everything’s spiraling out of control.” Peter rubbed his face with his hands. “I told you about Neal. We don't know when he’s coming home. The kids don't know what the fuck is going on. Jack wet the bed this morning which apparently isn’t normal. And all I want to do is get piss drunk.”

Dave’s great concern showed on his young face. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk to someone else about all this? Like a psychologist.”

“C’mon, between you and El I don’t need a shrink.” Peter took a sip of his coffee

Dave backed down, “Just saying, maybe it would help you.” He then took a sip of his coffee and slightly changed the topic, “Other than that, how are those kids doing?”

Peter put his mug down and sighed, “They’re smart and catch on quickly, but they still have some social issues. Those will probably be there for a while. They’re confused now, just trying to make sense of everything. Jack’s too young...he can’t understand how toxic Christina was. As I’ve said before, Molly just knows that there was something wrong. The doctor is coming by today for their session.”

Dr. Anderson came to speak to the kids every few days. Trying to get them caught up to speed for their age and give them an outlet for their feelings about what happened.

* * *

 

Peter sat at his desk, not really focusing on the mountain of paperwork in front of him. Something Neal had said the other night during his breakdown really stuck with him.

_Neal got up and shouted at Peter and unintentionally lowering the gun, “I’m already getting fucking help! It’s not fucking working!” He sarcastically remarked, “It’s not like there is Some Asshole Abducted Me Anonymous!”_

He needed to help his friend. He knew that having someone who understood, even a little, helped mountains. So instead of doing his work he started looking through old, closed, missing persons cases.

To limit the amount of cases he put his search perimeters as, greater than five years old, and found alive.

He had less than a handful of results.

He wasn’t surprised when he came across the Arial Castro kidnappings from Ohio. He remembered seeing the headlines. He also remembered seeing the headlines when the Elisabeth Fritzl kidnapping case came to light. Elisabeth and her subsequent children were held underneath the family home by her father for over two decades. Everyone in law enforcement was talking about it.

Peter remembered how it made him want to vomit.

After a little searching he found the case of Emma Donoghue. She was abducted eight years ago in a stranger abduction and was found five years later.

She was abducted and kept in Pennsylvania but happened to be currently living in New York. A sadistic man managed to get her into his van and threw her in an inescapable garden shed on his suburban property.  He found her current address and left the office in a rush.

 

Emma lived in a small two bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. Peter knocked on the door.

She called through the door, “Who is it?”

“I’m Agent Peter Burke. I would like to talk to you.”

She opened the door just a crack. Peter noticed the chain was on. “Can I see your badge?”

“Of course.” Peter took his badge from his jacket pocket and showed it to her. She slipped her hand through the door crack and took it from him. After inspecting it she handed it back and opened the door a little further.

“What do you want?” It was clear that she didn’t want _anything_ to do with him.

“I just would like to talk to you.”

“Why? Is that bastard filing _another_ appeal?” The irritation and hate crystal clear in her voice.

“I’m not on the case. I need your help. Can I come in?”

She became confused and interested, “Then what do you need?”

Peter was honest, “I read your file.” That made her stomach churn, “My friend went through something similar...and I don’t know how to help him.”

Her stomach dropped. She closed the door to take the chain off then immediately re-opened it for him. She was a little shorter than him and in her early thirties. She had on some sweats, a tank top, and had her long brown hair tied in a loose ponytail.

“Come in.” She lead him over to her couch. Her apartment was disorganized but in the way that showed that a single parent lived there.  It was evident through the toys that she had a little boy.

“I’m sorry about the mess. Between a job and a kid,”

Peter waved it off, “It’s fine.”

They sat down. Her tone turned dead serious, “So what happened?”

He told her the sparknoted version. She looked like she had seen a ghost. There was silence for a while.

“You know how they found me?”

Peter had read the file. He knew.

She continued, “The only small amount of natural light was from the skylight on top of the damn shed. Some kids nearby where playing with their RC drone thing and it crash landed on the skylight. We didn’t know what it was at first. The kids climbed up on top to get it. I yelled at them to call the cops. When they couldn’t hear me I wrote it down. They called the cops and waited there till they showed up.” She went silent, “What they did took so much bravery. The risk he took...oh god. Although...I understand his desperation.”

“...I don’t know how to help him. How can I help him? Is there even any possible way?”

Emma took a deep breath, “Don’t push him. You have to let him come to you. If he even wants to.” Peter nodded. He was already kinda doing that. “I can’t really describe it better than be there for him. I know that sounds vague but I can’t really describe it better. Also, _lots_ of psychiatric help.” Emma thought for a moment, “Don’t let him make big life decisions now.”  
“What do you mean?”

“About two months after I came home I decided it was best for my son Jake and I to move. I was _so damn desperate_ _for control_ _over my life_ , for change, for something different. When I told my family they flipped out. They told me what a horrible idea that was. Same with my doctors. Although I didn’t listen to _any_ of them. After I moved here I truly realized that my support system, no matter how lacking it may have been, was gone.”

Peter gave her a slightly confused look, “When I came home my family was kind of in shambles.” Peter’s stomach dropped.

He was kind of afraid to ask, “What happened?”

She took another deep breath, “Due to the stress my parents divorced and my mom ended up remarrying.” She side-commented, “That was a shock.” Her voice turned sad, “Whenever my mom looked at me, I saw it. This intense heartbreak and this...just...intense sorrow. After a while I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t handle her looking at me like I was broken.” She clarified, “Which I mean, I totally was, but I didn’t want to be looked at like that.”

Peter nodded, he seemed to really resonate with that. He knew he had looked at Neal like that before, even though he tried not to.

“My stepdad is fine. We do small talk on holidays and things. Nothing too eventful. Then there’s my dad. We don’t speak anymore.”

“Why?”

Emma was blunt, “Firstly, he drinks too much. He barely drank before all this. I don’t want Jake around that.”  
That caught Peter’s attention.

Her voice turned to heartbreak and anger as she continued while still looking at Peter, “He also won’t speak to Jake. He’ll barely even look at him. He wouldn’t say anything but I knew why. Because Jake was born while I was in there. He wouldn’t accept my son. We got into a big fight about it when I first got home. I wanted him to admit it but he wouldn’t say anything. We don’t really speak now.” She didn’t elaborate any further. All this made Peter’s stomach drop.  

“Jake is the only reason I’m still breathing. Even then, some days, before and after the rescue, he wasn’t enough. There were days in there where I considered taking our lives. Or thinking that he would be better without me.” She scoffed, “Depression is a real complicated shitshow.”

They both fell silent.

Peter needed to know, “How are you doing now?”

“Now I can get out of bed in the morning, hold down a job, properly take care of Jake. But I didn’t get there overnight. Neither did it just, happen. I had to work my _ass off_ to get to this point. Even now, I still have triggers, still have nightmares. I probably always will. Also, I can never go back to being who I was before. It’s just impossible. Too much has happened. I’m a new person now.”

Peter truly realized that was probably Neal’s trajectory when he got home again. He was cautiously hopeful.

“How’s Jake doing? How old was he when…”

“He was five.” Emma answered, “He’s doing really well now. He loves hanging out with his friends, playing sports, doing anything creative. He’s a Boy Scout. Of course that didn’t come overnight either. With help and time he was able to mostly catch up to kids his age.”

Peter nodded. He found that encouraging.

She continued, trying not to get entranced in the memories, “It was a real shock and whirlwind for him. Before the rescue he didn’t know anything about the world. He was scared yet excited to see what it was.”

“How did you handle that?”

“With help, doctors, exposing him to new things as much as possible. Telling him how the world worked.” She thought for a moment, remembering, “He had a tough time socially for a while before he really got the hang of it.”

She noticed Peter’s concern, “Just give them all time and help.”

Peter hesitated but finally asked, “If I gave him your number, would you talk to him. If you each wanted to of course. If it’s too much for you it’s okay.”

Emma threw her head back with a huff, “The amount of times I’ve heard that. If it’s too much for you. Like I’m going to break at any minute.” She sighed and looked at him with a serious yet compassionate tone, “When he gets home, if he ever wants to talk. I’m here.”

* * *

Doctor Anderson came to the house to speak to the kids. They all sat down on the couch.

“So how we all doing today?”

Molly shrugged and looked at her brother before looking back at Anderson, “We miss Daddy.”

“He’s going to be okay. He just needs some time. It’s perfectly normal to miss someone when they aren’t with you.” She changed the conversation, “So, what new things have you seen and done recently?”

Their moods changed and got very animated as they both listed off new things they had seen and done since they last saw her a few days ago. She smiled and nodded, pleased with their progress.

“So today I just wanted talk a little about people and what we call, stranger danger. Also, what’s appropriate to talk about in public. What we call ‘social etiquette.” The kids were listening, “First you have your family, the people closest to you. Then you have your friends. Then you have strangers. Family would be like your dad, Peter, Elizabeth, and Mozzie.”

Jack asked, “What about Mommy?”

Anderson came back with a question, “Where do you think she belongs?”

“I don’t know.” He answered

She got back to her main point, “Now you don’t talk to strangers. It’s dangerous.” The kids seemed confused.

Molly brought up, “We talked to strangers during our great escape. Was that bad?”

The older woman thought for a second before smiling and reminding them, “That’s different. From now on you don't talk to strangers.”

“Because they can steal you?” Molly tried to reason

“Then how you make friends?” Jack wondered

“Why can’t we say some things in public? What can’t we say?”

They were progressing well, but Dr. Anderson had her work cut out for her.

* * *

Neal paced back and forth in Dr. Anderson’s office.

“I worry about them.” He ran his hand threw his hair

“I know you do.” Anderson was seated opposite of Neal with a pad on her lap and a pen in her hand as well as a tissue.

“I know they’re fine with Peter but…” He looked for the words, “They’ve never been without me before. I just..I just worry. I haven’t stopped worrying in...God knows how long. I swear it’s the only thing I know how to do nowadays.”

She reassured him, “It’s only natural to worry about them. We’ll work on making sure it’s a healthy amount of worry.” She slightly blew her nose.

He stopped pacing and looked at her, “You know, I just can’t help but remember. I have these flashbacks, that are, so damn _vivid_.”

“Oh.”

“Like once, probably a few years ago. Now that place was built like fucking Guantanamo. The insulation kept me from hearing a single damn thing. Except once I heard this extraordinarily loud pounding on the roof. Like there was a freight train outside.”

“How long ago?” She was taking notes,

“Probably a few years.” He was pacing again

“A hurricane did hit New York a few years back. You were most likely hit as well.” She slightly sniffled.

“I knew it was bad because I could hear it. The place was built like a fortress but I doubted it would hold against a hundred foot pine tree crashing on the roof. I was terrified for them. A collapsed roof in the middle of nowhere during a hurricane...we’d be dead.” He paused for a moment, still pacing, entranced in the memory, “I just remember holding them so tightly. The bitch probably knew the storm was coming too. I did notice she was reinforcing some parts before that.”

He paused again, “I remember we’d get so much snow during the winter there was no going anywhere even if you could or wanted to. I would see it sometimes when she’d open the door and could barely do it due to the weight of all the snow against it. One year we almost ran out of firewood during a blizzard. It got _so cold._ Molly was complaining that she couldn’t feel her fingers or toes. I know where she was coming from. I was so damn terrified that we were going to freeze to death.”

Dr. Anderson nodded and wrote in her notebook.

“I remember this one time, back when Molly was really little. Maybe two? She started asking questions. So I told her that everything outside wasn’t real.” She could tell he was holding back tears. “Because I couldn’t tell her about a world that she couldn’t experience.” He wiped some tears from his eyes, “You can’t want what you don’t know exists.” He reasoned.

“You did the best you could.” Anderson consoled

Neal sat down on the couch, entranced in yet another memory, “When _she_ found out. Her reaction...it surprised me.”

_Neal was stretched out on the bed with Molly fast asleep in his lap. He looked down and held on tight. Hoping she was having a restful slumber. Whereas when he managed to sleep, it was restless. He gripped her even tighter when he heard the beeps of the keypad._

_She came in without a word and started to strengthen up the kitchen._

_Later she finally spoke, “So Molly’s getting very vocal.”_

_Neal didn’t respond. Christina continued, “She said something very interesting to me today.” Neal wondered what she wanted to bring up. He knew it was something. He wondered what he apparently did wrong now._

_“She told me that everything past the clearing is outer space. And that everything and everyone else are not real. Just pretend.” Her tone wasn’t accusatory, but more informative. She walked over towards him._

_Neal took a deep breath and prepared for the inevitable blast wave._

_“She was asking questions.” He lowly stated_

_She smiled, “Good job.” Neal looked up at her in surprise. “She shouldn’t know about the outside. She’s better off here and not knowing what I saved her from.” She rubbed Neal’s shoulder. He tried his damn hardest not to flinch. His skin crawled._

Neal shivered at the memory. Dr. Anderson grabbed another tissue from the dark wooden coffee table and sneezed into it. “I’m sorry. I think I might be coming down with something.”

“It’s okay.” Neal’s tone turn bitter, “At least if you get really sick you can get help.” She looked at him to continue, “Whenever she’d leave for a supply run she would bring back foreign germs. The kids weren’t used to them. They didn’t really have immune systems. So they would get sick. One time Jack got _really_ sick. I don’t know for sure but his fever was definitely over 100. I was terrified that he was going to have a seizure.”

_Jack was lying in bed moaning. Neal was sitting next to him rubbing his head. All he could think about was how hot he was._

_“I no feel good.” Jack moaned_

_“I know, buddy. I know. You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.” God Neal hoped that was true. Molly sat in front of Jack, trying to make him laugh with funny faces and voices. Christina was in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for soup. Even though Jack couldn’t keep anything down. Not even water._

_Neal needed to do something to help his son. He got up and walked over to her. “He’s not doing well.”_

_“He just needs some rest and fluids. He’ll be fine.” She didn’t even look up from the carrots._

_“He can’t keep any fluids down. He needs a doctor. He needs medicine.”_

_She stopped and looked at him with a stern face, “No.”_

_“Please.” Neal uselessly pleaded_

_“No. He’ll be fine.” She went back to cutting the carrots_

_“He’s two years old! He’s sick! He needs a doctor! He’s dehydrated, nauseous, feverish. He could go into convulsions!” Neal was adamant_

_“No! It could be suspicious!” Christina stopped cutting but still held a tight grip on the sharp knife with the large blade._

_“You could say he’s an illegal with no papers. Or just that he’s two no one will believe what he says. Please. He needs a doctor.” Neal turned down his voice so the kids couldn’t hear him._

_He soon realized, ‘That would mean him being alone with_ **_her._** _Damn you're desperate._ _Have you_ **_completely_ ** _lost your mind? ...You know what, don’t answer that...because the answer will be a resounding_ **_yes._ ** _’_

 _She gave him an evil look. Her voice was low as she not so subtly pointed the knife at him “Are you_ **_sure_ ** _you want to continue this conversation?” She pointed the knife in the children’s direction, “I would think_ **_long and hard_ ** _before you answer.”_

“...It wrecked his body for another two days.” He was so angry at her and himself, “And I couldn’t do a _damn thing_ about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to read something light and fluffy I updated the one shot fic. Click on the series link.


	11. Boundaries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal's therapy continues.  
> The kids miss Neal and come up with a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *side eyes wordcount and remembers what's coming* I truly didn't expect this AU fic to be //longer than the fic it's based on// once it's finally finished.  
> I'm so appreciative of everyone reading, leaving kudos, and especially commenting!

“How are you feeling today?” Doctor Anderson asked Neal

“Honestly?”

“Of course.”

His eyes went low, “For all those years, even now still, I tell myself I’m okay. I repeat it like a mantra. I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay. Because...I feel if I stop...even for a moment….I will collapse with all the reasons that I am not.”

She nodded sympathetically. He continued, “You know, I’ve been thinking about when the kids were born.”

“What about that?”

“I wish...I wish they were brought into a healthy and safe environment. I wish I had a normal life. Even though my life has never been ‘normal’.”

“They’re safe now. They’re in a healthy environment now.”

“Yeah,  _ now. _ ” He blurted, “Will my life ever be ‘normal’?”

“With help, with the help of your family, you have a chance.”

He took solace in that. 

He remembered, “When Molly was born...she was just a little angel. She hardly ever fussed or cried. That made it easier for me to protect her. The only problem with her was that she wouldn’t breastfeed. I panicked whenever she went near Molly. Whenever Molly wouldn’t breastfeed she’d get angry. I knew that when she got angry she got violent. I was terrified that she was going to hurt her, even inadvertently.”

“What about Jack?”

“He was...it’s like he knew there was something wrong. Like he wanted out as soon as he was born. And I don’t blame him. If there was a way earlier I would have taken it.”

“What do you mean, he knew something was wrong?”

“When Molly was born, it took a little while for her to cry. When Jack was born, he cried immediately. Shortly after he was born,” He looked down and shut his eyes, “He wouldn't, stop, crying. His cries quickly turned to deafening screams. All he would do,  _ for hours, _ was scream cry. I swear to God he had colic.” He looked back up at her, “As if I wasn’t already losing my sanity.”

He looked down again and closed his eyes, “His constant crying made her _so_ _ damn angry _ . I was terrified that she was going to kill him to shut him up. He’d cry so hard he’d stop breathing.”

Dr. Anderson noticed that he was falling into a flashback, “Neal! Neal! Stay with me! Where are you?” She started asking questions in an attempt to keep him in the moment.

It was too late.

_ Neal held the small infant tightly and securely as he bounced him up and down, trying to calm him down. He still screamed and screamed. Molly sat on her bed with her hands over her ears crying. The piercing cries hurt her small ears. It was the kind of piercing that left your ears ringing when it finally stopped. Neal cautiously looked over at Christina who was sitting at the table mending one of Molly’s shirts.  _

_ She spoke up, “You coddle him too much. He just needs to cry it out.” He stopped bouncing Jack and looked at her. She gave him a death glare, “Put him down.” _

_ Of course Neal wasn’t going to tell her that letting Jack cry this out wasn’t going to work. _

_ He wasn’t  _ **_that_ ** _ suicidal. _

_ Neal regretfully put Jack back in the small crib. He went over to Molly and tried to calm her down. _

_ Jack kept screaming which bounced off the soundproof walls of the small cabin. A while later Neal looked over to Christina again and noticed she was getting to her limit. Her jaw was clenched and she was stabbing the needle into the shirt much more aggressively than necessary. He prayed that Jack calmed soon. Although he knew better by now. _

_ She finally threw the shirt at the wall and yelled over the infant, “DEAL WITH HIM!!” She stormed out slamming the door behind her. Neal immediately got up to hold and protect his son. He sat back down next to Molly and attempted to calm both of them while trying to keep himself calm. _

_ She wouldn’t come back for a solid few hours.  _

_ Although this went better than a few times she stormed over to the crib and Neal immediately shielded the boy. She then took her anger out on Neal. _

“Neal! Neal! It’s over.” Dr. Anderson repeated, “It’s over. You’re out. They’re okay. You’re all safe.” He was now confused and tired. “It’s over.” She repeated and kept trying to ground him in the present.

* * *

 

Elizabeth was at an event one weekend so Peter took the kids on some errands. 

After giving them breakfast he tried to get them and himself ready to leave. It took much longer than he expected. He wasn’t used to getting kids ready to go out who, really weren’t totally use to it yet. Peter was used to just doing things and the kids were still new to seeing everything in the world. 

This was new to everyone.

Getting ready also took a while because Jack refused to get dressed. He made no effort to cover up that he was sad. He had been saying all morning that he missed his Dad and wanted to see him again.

Peter sighed at the boy’s comment, “You’ll see him soon enough. For now you need to get dressed.”

“No.” Jack folded his arms and held firm.

Peter gritted his teeth and took a deep breath. He was starting to lose his patience, but he knew he couldn’t raise his voice to them, even a little. Because he knew it scared them. It also didn’t help that he really wasn’t that good around children. He normally had Elizabeth around to help him and save him when he didn’t know what to do.    
For just a second he thought, ‘ _ Neal, why did you leave me with them?’ _ He then immediately felt terrible about thinking it. 

He didn’t know what to say or do. Normally Elizabeth would have taken over by now. At this rate they’ll be leaving the house by dinnertime. If they’re lucky.

He left the room to call Elizabeth, “El, I don’t know what to do. Jack won’t listen to me.”

Elizabeth was running around an event venue, trying to do so many things at once, “Do you think you could call them and ask if the kids could talk to him?”

“No, they told me he'd call us.”

“If you keep pushing he’s just going to meltdown. Let me talk to him. Maybe I can get through.”

Peter was willing to give anything a chance. He walked back into the bedroom and, “Hey, Jack, Elizabeth wants to talk to you.” Peter gave Jack the phone. He didn’t really know what to do with it. He heard Elizabeth’s voice. Peter motioned for him to put the phone up to his ear. He looked at Peter curiously and tried to copy him. 

“Hey, sweetie.” Jack didn’t know what to say. Molly was watching this all curiously. 

Peter informed, “Talk.”

“Hi.”

“So I heard you don’t want to get dressed.”

“No.”

“Your Dad would really want you to be a big boy and get dressed.”

“But he’s not here.”

“He’s always with you, sweetie. He’s with both of you.” She consoled

“So will you be a big brave boy and help out Peter? It would make your Dad really proud of you.”

“Okay.” 

“Great. Be good for Peter, okay?”

“Okay.” Jack then tried to get dressed with the phone. Peter took the phone from his hands and he continued to get dressed. Peter was in shock. He rose the phone to his ear, “How the hell did you do that so quickly?”

“I just said things he wanted to hear. Now I really have to go.” She sounded like she was busy.

“You're a miracle worker."

She chuckled, "Thank you. Bye Hun.”

“Bye Hun.”

* * *

Their first (and as it would turn out, only) stop was to return a defective blender. Peter walked into the large department store with the kids at his sides. Peter and the kids found their way to around the store to the customer service desk. As Peter talked to the woman the kids wandered through the store. Peter knew they were nearby so he didn’t worry.

As they played around the store displays Molly noticed that Jack still wasn’t himself. “You okay?”

He stopped what he was doing, “No. I miss Daddy.”

She frowned, “Me too.”

Jack then came up with an idea, “What about finding hospital?”

Molly was confused, “What?”

“Daddy’s at hospital. We found World, we can find hospital.”

She was interested in this idea. “How do we find the hospital?”

“Like with the great escape. We run and find someone to help us.”

Molly was too young to understand how many things were wrong with this plan. She looked over at Peter who was still talking to the sales women behind the counter. 

“Okay. Let’s go.” She grabbed her brother’s hand and they set off. Although they didn’t exactly remember where they entered the store. So their first task was finding the exit. They walked from the kitchen section to the bathroom section. They got distracted in the bedding section because they wanted to try out the beds they had on display. Which is when they another shopper found them playing under the blankets of a display bed. The woman was probably in her early/mid forties.  She noticed that they were alone. 

She walked up to the kids and asked, “Hey there, where’s your mom?”

Now due to their circumstances the children hadn’t developed any sort of social etiquette yet, nor did they have any filter because they were children.

Jack popped his head out and responded simply, “She had to go ‘way.”

The woman was curious, “Why did she have to go away? Where is she?” She was expecting a normal answer such as, she’s in over in the bathroom section. 

“Cause she stole Daddy.” Molly finished, getting out from the covers

The woman turned really confused.

“Where’s hospital?” Jack asked, “We want our Daddy.” 

“Why do you need to the hospital? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, but Daddy’s there. He tried to go to heaven cause he’s sick in the head.” Molly simply explained.

Then her friend came by, “Hey, Loreane. What’s you got here?”

Loreane told her friend what the kids told her. She thought for a little while. “Oh my god! These must be those kids from the cabin upstate! You know, from the news.” 

The media eventually found out about the case and had a field day with it. Luckily for Neal, one of his best friends was in the FBI and had the ability to keep his location under wraps so neither he nor the kids were hounded by the press. 

“You precious things.”

“How are you guys doing?”

“Okay. We miss our Daddy.” Molly answered

“Aww, you precious things. How are you liking it here so far?”

“The World? “ Jack asked

“Aww. Yeah.”

“There’s dogs and buildings and people and swings and pizza and Chinese food.” Jack turned excited

“Aww, I’m glad you like it here.”

* * *

 

Meanwhile, as soon as the kids left the area Peter could tell something wasn’t right. So he turned from the woman behind the counter to check on them. He started to panic when he didn’t see either of them. “Molly! Jack!” He called out and started running around the store searching for them. The woman worriedly followed him. 

“Where’d they go?” He shouted, “MOLLY! JACK!” He was in a full scale panic attack. Shaking, hyperventilating, sweating, his heart was going a mile a minute.

“SHUT THIS DAMN STORE DOWN NOW!” He barked at the employee,

“Alright. Have they ever run away before?” The frazzled employee asked as she got her manager on the phone.

Now that was a complex question, but Peter answered, “Well, yeah.” 

“Alright.” She finally reached her manager who hauled ass to get to them.

Peter described the kids to him.

“Do you have any idea where they’d go?” The older man asked

“I don’t know.” He truly didn’t know, “Also, they have developmental and socialization issues.”

“What are we talking about?”

“Socially, they have attachment issues, an indiscriminate friendliness. They don’t really understand social order yet. First family, then friends, then neighbors.”

The manager became worried, “So they have no fear of strangers?”

“No, they don’t.”

They shut down the store and started searching. They soon found the kids on the bedding section talking to some women.

Peter ran over to them, “There you are!” They looked at him and smiled

“Hi.”

He yelled at the women, “What the fuck were you doing?! Don’t you know about lost child procedures!” 

He grabbed the kids’ hands, “Let’s go!” 

Once they got to the car Peter tried to take a few deep breaths to calm down. He was so terrified, upset, frustrated. He waited to say anything until he calmed down. He knew he couldn’t blow up at them. Raised voices still scared them.

When he finally calmed down enough he asked while taking a deep breath, “What were you doing?”

“We were talking to the womans.” Jack answered simply

“Why do you run away like that?” 

“Jack thought to run and see Daddy. The women were going to tell us where the hospital is.”

Peter put his head in his hands and sighed. “I had a damn panic attack trying to find you.” he muttered, “Anything could have happened.”

Molly heard him, “Like what?”

He looked back at them, “Like a stranger taking you two. That’s what I’m talking about.” He was starting to get angry again and tried to calm down.

“Why?” Jack asked

“Because they might want kids of their own.” His voice got lower, “Or hurt you.”

“So like how Mommy stole Daddy?” Molly tried to understand

He sighed again, “Someone like that.” He lectured, “Rule, whenever you’re out with someone, you  _ never _ leave their side. Got it?”

They nodded, “Got it.”

“And you  _ never _ talk to strangers. Got it?”

“Got it.”

He turned the car on and sped home. The other errands would wait till another day. Peter had his fill of scares for quite a while. When they got home Peter called his AA sponsor, Dave. All he wanted to do was drink after what happened.

* * *

 

That night after dinner Peter and Elizabeth were sitting at the table. She told him about her event that day, Peter told her about the department store. 

“I’m so sorry.”

“It was, just so terrifying. God I was so scared, El.”

“Hey, you found them, they’re okay. They’re learning. We just have to be patient.”

Then Peter’s phone rang. “Hello.” His spirits were immediately, “Neal. Hey….how you doing?”

“Hanging in there.”

“It’s good to hear from you.”

“You too. How are the kids doing?”

“They’re keeping their chins up. I’ll go get them.” Peter went outside where they were playing and said, “Hey, there’s someone who wants to talk to you.”

They looked curious as Peter put the phone on speaker and handed it to them.

Molly put the phone up to her ear, “Hey guys.” Since it was on speaker she thought it was too loud and moved it from her ear.

“Are you still head sick?” Jack asked. His voice sounded smaller than usual.

There was a pause, “...I’m working on it.” Before Neal could continue Molly spoke up,

“Why did you want to leave us and go to heaven?” Her voice was upset, almost angry.

There was another pause, “...I made a mistake.”

“Are you coming to get us?” Jack asked

“Yes, as soon as I can.” Peter swore he heard a sniffle over the phone.

“When?”

“Hopefully soon.”

Molly added in her same tone, “Don’t leave us again.”

“I won’t. I promise.” Peter could tell he was crying over the phone.

“So, what’s new?” Neal asked, getting to hopefully a lighter topic.

“Everything.” Jack answered and Neal laughed.

“Have you been having fun?”

“There’s so much out here!” Jack exclaimed, “It’s amazing!”

“Hey, I have to go now guys, but thank you. I really needed this. We’ll talk soon.”

“We’ll see you sooner.” Molly said

“That’s what I’m working towards.” He sounded hopeful.


	12. New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal's doctors decide whether or not to release him from the hospital. The kids want to visit the cabin to say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, I'm so so sorry that this fic has been stagnant for so long. I just lost all motivation and inspiration to write it. Hopefully it's here to stay so I can finish this fic! (We're so close!)
> 
> In other news, this series turns 2 years old today! So I'm updating all fics in this series! Thanks to everyone who's read, commented, bookmarked, and left kudos over the last two years!  
> Be sure to check out my [fanfic tumblr tag](https://onequartercanadian.tumblr.com/tagged/fanfic) for some fic playlists and moodboards that will be posted today!!

The lead psychiatrist working with Neal and the kids went to her boss one afternoon. Her boss was an older woman with greying hair. Her office was small and sparse yet it served its purpose. The middle aged doctor stood in front of the desk. Before she could say anything she was asked, “What do you want Anderson?”

She tightened the brown hair in her already tight short ponytail, “I want to convert Neal Caffrey from inpatient to outpatient care.”

Her boss looked up from some patient files with her eyebrows pulled down in confusion, “What? Already?”

“I think he’s ready, Barbara.” Anderson stood her ground. Even though she was Neal’s primary psychiatrist, his case was a group effort due to its complexity and intensity. She needed her boss’s approval for Neal’s release.

“It’s only been a few weeks. He needs to stay longer.”

Anderson’s face softened, “The holidays are coming up.” Barbara knew where where she was going with this. Her face and body softened, 

“Dr. Anderson-”

“All he’s talked about is spending the kids’ first real Thanksgiving and Christmas with them. If he doesn’t…” Her voice drifted off but she found it again. “Saying that it would be a blow to his morale would be an understatement.”

Barbara tilted her head, “So you’re saying that being released could actually help his recovery.”

Anderson stood strong and nodded, “Yes, I do. He has a strong support system. Spending the holidays with his family for the first time in almost a decade will give him some desperately needed normalcy.”

Barbara nodded, she had some things to think about.

* * *

 

The kids were sitting at the table doing some crafts with kid paints. The table was covered with art supplies. They have always absolutely loved doing any sort of craft and drawing. Mozzie, Peter, and Elizabeth, were sitting with them, drinking some tea. Molly enjoyed making pretty pictures of people and animals whereas Jack was in still in the phase of spattering paint all over the paper. 

Jack raised his wet paper, “Look! Look! Look!”

Mozzie commented while looking at the paper, “You know there’s an artist, Jackson Pollock, who is famous for doing that kind of art. Hold on.” Jack bounced with excitement as Mozzie pulled up one of Pollock’s works on his phone. Jack looked at and his face scrunched up in disinterest and dislike.

“Mine has prettier colors.” He turned back to his picture.

Everyone burst out laughing and Elizabeth muttered, “Suck it, Pollock.”

Jack reached for another piece of paper, “You say it’s gonna be Thanksgivin’ soon.”

Peter nodded, “Yeah.”

“Would it be Thanksgivin’ in cabin too?” Jack tilted his head in confusion and looked at them with his big blue curious eyes. 

The adults looked at each other, trying to figure out who was going to tackle this and where it could go. 

Elizabeth spoke up. She kept her body language was open and calm, “Well I suppose so. Except no one’s there. Why do you ask?”

Jack shrugged, “I’m wonderin’.”

“Since the holidays are a societal construct. I guess it’s like if a tree falls in a forest does it make a sound.” Mozzie muttered to himself, overthinking this.

“Why wouldn’t it make a sound?” Molly was confused

“What?”

“The tree.”

Mozzie tried to think of how to explain it, but Peter piped in, “It’s complicated. There’s a lot of debate about this.”

Jack was still thinking about his question, “We could go there before.”

“What?” Elizabeth nearly dropped her teacup.

“Can we?”

“ _ Why? _ ” Peter was  _ really _ confused.

Jack shrugged, “I dunno.”

“Molly, how do you feel about this?”  Elizabeth needed to know.

She shrugged, “If he wants too, I’m up for it.”

“Don’t you like it outside?” Peter asked Jack. His voice and body language were dead serious.

Jack nodded, “Yeah, but we didn’t get to say goodbye. We should say goodbye.”

Molly liked that idea. Saying the adults weren’t happy about it was an understatement. They called Dr. Anderson for a consult. She told them that it was good that the kids wanted to say goodbye to the cabin, it would give them closure and showed that they were truly ready to move on. Also, she reminded them that the kids didn’t see the cabin as the impenetrable hellhole that it was. It was where they lived. They saw it this way partly because they were just children, but partly because Neal worked his ass off everyday to ensure that the kids didn’t see it for the prison that it was.

* * *

 

The next day the kids along with Peter were escorted to the clearing with Lt. Benson, the lead on the case who escorted them. Peter insisted that he and the kids went alone because he didn’t want Elizabeth and Mozzie to see the horrid conditions. 

There were no objections.

The clearing was still marked off as a crime scene due to the immense amount of evidence to process.  Even though Christina acted alone and was dead, they were still following procedure for processing all evidence to close the case.

They pulled the yellow crime scene tape up and walked under. The kids ran started to run around the clearing. Peter looked around at the clearing. The large pine trees that ran along the base of the mountains, the river that flowed through, diving the clearing into two sections. The lush green grass was now turning slightly brown due to the chilly November temperature, the cabin, shed, and fruit trees settled in the middle. Even a laundry line hung between two apple trees. It looked like something from a postcard, not a prison cell.

Benson stood next to him and muttered, “Looks can be deceiving. Can’t they.” She just about read Peter’s mind. 

He absently nodded, “Yeah. Yeah they can.”

The kids ran to the edge of the clearing near the mountains. Benson and Peter ran to keep up. Molly playfully called to Jack, “Look! It’s the end of the world!” Jack giggled. Peter looked at them for clarification which Molly noticed, “We couldn’t get by this mountain.” She pointed to the other side of the clearing where the river flowed and the mountains widened out to form a path of dying grass on either side of the river, “And Mommy wouldn’t let us go past there. So that’s the end of the world too. Until we found out about World of course.” She smiled. 

They called it ‘the end of the world’ because as far as they knew, that was the end of the world. It was the end of _ their _ world. The precious few times Christina let them outside with her. 

“How about you do what you want to do so we can head back.” Peter was more than eager to get the fuck out of there. 

Molly collected her brother and took him inside. It was darker than usual, the cabin was more sparse and smaller than the kids remembered and the titanium alloy door was wide open. The cabin was only a few hundred square feet. “This doesn’t look like Cabin.” Jack shook his head.

“Yeah. It is.” Molly told him, She looked around and squinted in confusion, “Where’s all our stuff? The books. Our pictures. Everything.” She looked to Peter and Lt. Benson.

Benson bent down to her level, “We had to take everything to look at and have the judge look at. Why? Is there anything you wanted?”

“We colored pictures. Daddy put them on the walls. Said it made them pretty and added color. He said that the place needed color and was sad without them.”

“He said we have enough to make our own pic’ture gallary!” Jack called from other at the empty bookshelf.

“Mommy liked it too.” Molly added. It explained to the adults how that was allowed.

Anything that wasn’t bolted down (ie: the furniture) was taken as evidence. The mattress from the queen sized bed in the middle of the room was gone, it was just the solid wood frame. The small twin bed to the side was the same way. Yellow evidence markers were scattered at various locations throughout the cabin. 

Molly looked at the broken shell with protruding wires where the entry keypad used to be and ran her fingers across the empty space, “We’d play Keypad. It used to be here.”

“What’s that?” Peter hesitated to ask because he wasn’t sure he wanted an answer.

“Daddy thought it to me when I was small. When Mommy’s not here you press numbers into it and see it made the Beep Beep sound that opened the door. It wasn’t really that fun because we never won the game. We never heard the Beep Beep.”

That shattered Peter and Benson’s hearts. 

Peter remembered when he stormed in there just a few months earlier to finally save Neal. He remembered how he was on death’s door due to Christina beating the shit out of him, along with the effects of long term captivity. 

Jack ran from the bathroom wall, “Race! One more!” They loved to race each other across the cabin. Neal thought it was good exercise for them. Molly ran over and they started running the short distance from the bathroom across to the kitchen wall. Jack slammed his hand into the wall first, “Hahaha! I win! First time! ’M faster then you!”

“Well I ran from Keypad so I was more tired.” She tried to defend. They giggled about it for a while before calming down. 

Molly brushed her fingers across the wall, “Bye Wall.” She walked over to the counters brushed her fingers across them as well, “Bye Kitchen.” Jack took her lead and walked over towards their bed and did the same thing, “Bye Bed.” He walked over towards the big bed in the middle, “Bye Big Bed.” They did this for most of the things in the cabin before looking at Peter and Lt. Benson.

“Okay.” 

“You ready?” Peter was more than eager to get out.

“Yeah.”

Peter took each of their hands. Jack waved with his free hand, “Bye Cabin.” 

Molly repeated him, waving, “Bye Cabin.”

They turned and left for good.

* * *

 

The kids were playing with the dogs in the living room. Peter, Mozzie, and Elizabeth were watching from the table while drinking coffee. The kids perked up in interest when they heard someone knock at the door.

“Who’s dat?” Jack asked

“We’ll see.” Peter got up to get the door, “Hey there!” He called to the kids, “Hey guys, someone’s here to see you.”

The kids got up in interest and started jumping up and down and almost screamed when they saw Neal standing in the Burke’s doorway. 

“DADDY!” They called and ran towards the door to attack him with hugs which he lovingly accepted. Peter could hear Neal’s relief when he hugged them again, clenching on tight. 

“We missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

When they finally broke from the hug, “You back for good?” Molly had to know

He nodded, “Yeah. For good.”

“Good.” Jack nodded. Neal smiled. 

“We thought you were coming tomorrow.” Mozzie and Elizabeth were now standing behind the kids.

“Well I wanted to surprise you.” Neal gave a smile that was reminiscent of his earlier days working with Peter.

“I’m just glad you’re home.” Elizabeth smiled and went in for a short hug.

Peter noticed Neal’s appearance. His hair was shorter, his face and body filled out more so he didn’t look as underweight as before. 

For the first time he saw life in Neal’s deep blue eyes. 

For the first time since the abduction, Neal looked genuinely happy. 

Peter truly felt like, through all odds, everything was going to be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The cabin scene was inspired by the last scene in the book, Room, where the protagionist, Jack, asks to see Room one more time and he says goodbye to it.


End file.
